Bleh...

I don't like having things to do. Then you never have enough time to tell anyone else about those things.

Well, here's a couple things:
-I'm in my new apartment. Video tours will commence once everything is finalized. I'll give out an address soon. In the meantime, don't send me any mail.

-I've started my new job, and training is sooo inconvenient.

-School begins in a week. Huzzah?

Hell, at least I keep Elderly Apple updated, eh?

Catch up with you (for reals) later!

François! NOOOO!!!!

He grew too much for his own good...

He couldn't support his own weight...

Not even my pencil-turned-brace solutions could help...


Until...



The other arm didn't last much longer. And he was this close to blooming beautifully!!!



I...I...

I'm sorry, François. I tried to take good care of you, to keep you watered, to keep you growing. In the end, I may have killed you.

R.I.P. François Schnorr
June 13, 2008 - July 16, 2008

A Button-less Shame

Oh, I forgot to mention this.

Remember how I was going to have buttons and postcards for Elderly Apple at Comic-Con?

Well, long story short, it ain't going to happen.

Short story long (or maybe medium length), I sent in my finalized designs several weeks back to be approved as family-friendly, and to receive the address to which I would send the materials to be put on the freebie table. I had no doubt that I would pass the family-friendly test, as I don't use profanity, don't have graphic violence, and would be completely lost on kids, save for the pictures. So it was just a matter of them looking at my pieces so I could get some confirmation.

As such, I waited.

And waited.

...And waited.

And heard nothing. Not one word. Neither one way or the other. Days, a full week passed. I was becoming concerned. So, I decided to call their Press Relations department (who were in charge of the approval).

Him: "Hello?"
Me: "Hello, I was hoping I could speak with Christopher Jansen, please."
Him: "May I ask what you're calling in regards to?"
Me: "I had sent an application out a while ago to put some promotional materials on the Comic-Con freebie table, but I hadn't heard back."
Him: "Okay. Your name."
Me: "Andrew Schnorr"
Him: "And your company?"
Me: "Elderly Apple Comics."
Him: "Ebony Apple?"
Me: "Elderly Apple."
Him: "Okay, so you have a question about the freebie table?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Okay, you're going to want to speak with our press relations department."
Me: "Yes, I know. I was hoping to be patched through to them."
Him: "And you're going to want to speak with Christopher Jansen."
Me: "Um...yes. That's who I asked to speak with."
Him: "Okay, give me a second."
[Three minutes later.]
Him: "Sir, I'm sorry, but Chris is currently busy. Would you like to wait, or would you rather me take a message."
Me: "I'll wait."
Him: "It may be a while."
Me: "I'm willing to wait as long as necessary."
[Ten minutes later.]
Him: "Sir, I'm afraid Chris is in a conference meeting."
Me: "I can wait."
Him: "Sir, a more expedient method of contacting Chris would be through email. He answers immediately."
Me: "I sent Mr. Jansen an email regarding this situation well over a week ago. He has not responded in any way."
Him: "Oh. Well, you see, Chris is currently backed up with email. It may be some time before he responds."
Me: "My promotional materials publisher has a strict turnaround period, and I need an answer soon."
Him: "You may want to call again later."
Me: "Will he actually be available?"
Him: "He should be."

And so I called back later that day. Another conference meeting. I called again the next day. Twice. Two more conference meetings. And again and again for seven days! I'm pretty sure Christopher Jansen is a Patrick Bateman-like slacker in the office, always making excuses to get out of phone calls and meetings.

So, after a full week of calling, I finally get hold of one of Christopher Jansen's underlings. After a lengthy conversation, I was basically told that it was pretty much too late at this point, and if I didn't get an email in the next couple days, there was no chance (needless to say, I didn't get an email within a couple days). My favorite part of the conversation was the end:

Him: "Sir, you really can't blame us. You should have sent in your materials at least a week ago."
Me: "I sent my materials in two-and-a-half weeks ago."
Him: "Oh. Sorry."
Me: "...Thank you." [Click.]

So...yeah. You're not going to see people walking around the Con wearing buttons of a bar of soap slipping on his own residue. It just wasn't meant to be. On the bright side, I don't have to pay the hundreds of dollars to get it all printed, right?

...Am I right, folks?

Worst. Fireworks. Ever.

Damn you, mother nature!

You and your clouds have ruined America!

Cop-Out: A Smug Looking Cartoon Version of Me

Ugh. I'm very sorry for not updating much. But what can I say? Life is busy for the moment. Lots of productivity. Good for me, bad for you (or, at least, your ability to read TLD). I will try (honestly try) to get some more regular updates in, but no promises; just hopes. Don't worry, all the craziness will all settle down within...I dunno, a month. O_o

In the meanwhile, enjoy my best attempt at making myself a Simpsons character using the "Simpsons Avatar Generator" at the movie's website. Pretend the bad mustache isn't there.



Note: While I don't actually own a ducky shirt, I can easily see myself wearing one.

Note 2: I'm, like, reverse moonwalking.

Dear School...

Can I PLEASE go to bed before 4am one of these days?

PLEASE?!

Getting more than 4 hours a sleep once in two weeks would be nice.

Have You Ever Wondered What I Would Look Like if I Were a Pretentious Snob???

Well, wonder no more!

I'll see you at the next art gallery opening!

UC Berkeley and the St. Patricks Day Apathy

*Sigh...*

Another holiday, another disappointing showing from Cal students.

Perhaps this is a trend amongst college students in general (I wouldn't really know, having only been to one college), but it seems as though people are very selective in the ways they celebrate their holidays.

(Note: I am strictly speaking about fun, nearly fully-secularized holidays here.)

For example, people are more than willing to gorge themselves on sweets on Halloween, but Lord forbid they put on a costume. Valentine's Day seems to have become less about love and more about sex. And St. Patrick's Day? Well, people are more than willing to drink themselves senseless, but I mean, c'mon! Is it that hard to wear a little green?

We're not asking for much!

A shirt! A button! A scrunchie, for God's sake!

But no, nothing will do. I estimate that less than 15% of people wore any sort of green for St. Pat's Day. There are only a few reasons I can fathom for this:

1. Cal has a high percentage of atheists in it.
While this is true, I think we can kind of discount it as a reason. Like I said, St. Pat's day is mostly secularized at this point. And I find that even staunch atheists don't really refrain from celebrating Christian holidays. ("I don't want to take Christmas off! That's contrary to my lack of faith!") In any event, it's likely something else.

2. Cal has a high percentage of Asians in it.
"I knew it!" you're thinking. "Ol' Andrew has turned into a racist! Time to expunge that honkey from our society!" Hold on a second, mister! I'm not talking about Asian-Americans here (who do still hold the plurality at Cal). I'm talking about Asians. As in, from Asia. As in, not American citizens. Hence, there is a fairly good chance that they don't have much experience with what is primarily a Western holiday. While I would like to say that this is the case, there were still plenty of non-Asians not wearing green. So, it must be something else.

3. Cal students have no holiday spirit.
That's the one! I think this is unequivocally true. People have no spirit! It's like a bunch of Grinches-in-training. I usually find that I put the most effort into celebrating holidays, especially by reaching out to others, as evidenced here and here. As far as I know, nobody else does this. Why? Because they're lame! That's right! Cal may be a wonderful educational institution, but when it comes to even an iota of holiday cheer, I have to imagine we rank really far down.

...Maybe still above BYU, though. I can't imagine there being too much excess cheer there.

And what about me? Am I being hypocritical by preaching about wearing green and then not doing so myself. Well, take a look for yourself at what I looked like all day (excuse the overall disheveledness; I had taken a nap before taking this picture):(As a little aside, I personally think suspenders are like canes: they're lame if you have to use them, but if you don't need them, they're awesome!)

Also, I would like to note that this is the first day in three months that I've eaten red meat, specifically so that I could have a traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner. Now that's holiday spirit!

Cop-Out: Pictures! Pictures for you!

I've got a job interview today.

Then I have a midterm to take.

Then I have a program to present at.

Yes, I know I've been bombarding you with "I'm busy" notes, but I can't help it. I'm busy.

As some filler, please accept these random images of interest.

First, here is my new business card:
It's very simple and non-flashy, and it sure-as-Hell won't get me featured amongst the more imaginative cards. Now, if I had all the money I needed, I think I'd go for a card like Steve Wozniak's. But I don't, and this one gets the job done, while at the same time confirming my place in Haas. So it'll do.

Second, this is what my hair looks like when I wake up in the morning:

If only it was a bit cleaner and more symmetrical, I would never even have to mess with it at all!

Finally, here's that picture of the weight I've lost so far (meaning, by a couple Fridays ago).

I'm actually making this one a pure link. Click here if you want to see it. Don't click if:
1. You want to wait to see a more dramatic change later on.
2. You don't want to see me without a shirt on.

Okay, that's all for now. I promise more/better content in the near future...sometime.

In the meantime, wish me luck!

Will.....

.....have....time....to....write...later.........

(Until I do, here's a discussion starter: Despite my feelings of disconnect with the rest of humanity, I tend to be a popular counselor figure with my peers. Try to figure out why!)

They're Not as Roly-Poly as the Song Would Like You to Believe

The Time: February 6, 2008, 12:15pm

The Place: A normal sidewalk in Berkeley

The Sight:Sometimes, this city is weird.

Fighting Demons of Deception: The "Mass Effect" Story

(NOTE: Get comfortable. Make yourself a cup of hot cocoa. You're going to be here a while. A looong while...)

You know, there are plenty of non-controversial video games in the world. In fact, I bought two this week and am thoroughly enjoying them both. However, aside from some pointless review, that's not interesting enough to post on here. Besides, I think it's a valuable service to my readers to provide a explanation of a story that they probably have no idea about. That's why whenever I seem to post on the subject, something's going down.

And this one, it's a doozy.

So, there's game that came out last November on the XBox 360 called Mass Effect. It's made by BioWare, the same company that made the excellent, excellent Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic games. Mass Effect has been likened as the spiritual successor to those games, and so I'm waiting anxiously for it to come out on the PC (it hasn't been announced that it's coming to the PC, but trust me, it will eventually). The game has garnered almost universal acclaim and has been said by many to be one of, if not the, best game of 2007. So what could possibly be controversial about it.

Well, you see there's relations in this game.

Sexual relations.

Lesbian sexual relations.

Interspecies lesbian sexual relations.

Ruh-roh, Raggy!

However, before you visit the stables to find a high horse to sit upon, let me assure you upfront, it's really not that bad. In 21st-Century terms, I'd say it was actually done with quite some dignity. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Onto the story!

Chapter One - Cybercast News Service

So...Cybercast. Ever hear of them? Of course you haven't. They're a conservative (and trust me, you'll see a pattern here) news and opinion website. On January 11, one of their correspondants wrote an article on Mass Effect, entitled "Sex in Video Games Makes Waves Through Industry." Now, even though I'm likning to the articles, I don't recommend you click on them, because all that would do is generate traffic and, thus, encourage them. However, I'll give some nice juicy quotes, straight from the article.

A new, best-selling video game, Mass Effect, made for the Microsoft Xbox 360 console, allows the characters to engage in explicitly graphic sexual intercourse.

Okay, let's stop right there. That's the first sentence of the article, and already it's showing complete and utter ignorance: ignorance of the game, ignorance of the world we live in, and ignorance of the words he's using.

"Explicit." What does that mean? According to Dictionary.com, it means "fully and clearly expressed or demonstrated; leaving nothing merely implied; unequivocal." In other words, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Now, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to show the exact scenes that are causing this controversy (that is, the entirety of the controversy). Now, there are some definitely-intimate things going on, so this may perhaps not work-safe, but it's really...well, I'll just let you judge:





(Note: I am not in favor of stupid post-coital remarks.)

So there you go. That's 2 minutes and 33 seconds (half of which was spent in conversation) out of a game which can last from 30 to 60 hours. That is the total amount of sexual activity in the game, and it's not even a guarantee that you'll see it (as it only occurs after lots of specific relationship development with the computer characters).

And would you say that was explicit? Hell, I've seen more explicit things on NBC Primetime. Really, it's about as PG-13 as you could get, pornographic only in a world where there's nothing but silhouettes.

The game is "clearly marketed to minors," Cathy Ruse, a lawyer and senior fellow for legal studies at the Family Research Council, told Cybercast News Service.

1. Who the hell is this person?
2. Does she have any facts to back up this claim?

I'll admit that I don't see many TV ads - seeing as I don't watch much TV - but I'm pretty sure they're not promoting this show on Kids WB. What I do see, though, is the Internet, and I have not seen one iota of advertising for the game that has targeted it for minors. If they had even brought up one example, I would have been satisfied, but I guess that was beneath them.

The game is rated "M" for mature, as are many video games...

Oh, because that's not a leading statement.

If you'd like the stats, only 14% of video games sold are rated "M". 49% are rated "E" for Everyone, 32% are rated "T" for Teen, and the remaining 4% are "E10+".

"Mass Effect...even goes so far as to allow homosexuality to be on par with heterosexuality and heterosexuality outside of its proper context of marriage."

"Goddamn queers! Queerin' up da place, tryin' makis all ho-mos!"

"There's no First Amendment right to exploit children ... They're making money at the expense of children in America, and they ought to be vilified for that."

Again, evidence? Do we have any evidence to support these really serious claims? No? Aww...

Really, it's just a bunch of talk with very few facts to validate any of what they're saying. It's almost like...it's almost like they've never even played the game. But this is the conservative news site Cybercast! Surely they wouldn't be so careless!

Really, the only beneficial thing to come out of this article was a hilariously satirical Photoshop (on Kotaku) adding a new option to the after-the-deed banter.

So, we get off that train, only to hop onto another...



Chapter Two - Kevin McCollough

So...Kevin McCullough. Ever hear of him? Of course you haven't. He's a conservative author and columnist on conservative website Townhall.com. I would provide you with a link directly to his article (written January 13), but it appears as though it's been taken down, likely due to too much traffic and/or heat. I don't remember exactly what it said, so the quotes I'm going to give you came from other sites. However, the article was entitled "The 'Sex-Box' Race for President." While I would love to compliment him on his clever wordplay, it seems some perverted Japanese company beat him to it. Oh, and how exactly does this play into the presidential race?

[Presidential candidates] all probably assume they have better, much more important, urgent, timely, things to campaign on, but I sure would like to get their individual takes on the new video game that one company is marketing to fifteen year old boys.

Ah! So he must have used Cybercast as his primary source! Wonderful! So basically, he's saying that we should be asking our candidates why they aren't addressing an issue that isn't even an issue, or at least not one that has been verified.

It’s called “Mass Effect” and it allows its players… to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the shape, form, bodies, race, hair style, breast size of the images they wish to “engage” and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game “persons” hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of…

You don't know how many people made the joke "Wow, I'd pay twice as much for the version that McCullough got. Harharhar." Now, there is a character creation screen for Mass Effect. Wanna see it? Here you go! Hard as I looked, I didn't see a "Breast Size" option anywhere. Go figure.

I like the assumption that the game goes straight into lewd territory the moment you finish the character creation. I also like the assumption that all gamers have 54" LCD TV's to watch their "persons" hump in...format? What the hell does "format" mean in this context?

…And because of the digital chip age in which we live - “Mass Effect” can be customized to sodomize whatever, whoever, however, the game player wishes.

I'm sorry, this made me laugh out loud. This guy must still write with a typewriter if he's going to refer to this as the "digital chip age." But really, the whole "sodomize whatever, however" bit...so basically, the game he played is about molesting young boys, or something. And though he did pick up on the fact that there is homosexuality in these sex scenes, he didn't even do enough research to figure out that it was lesbian homosexuality. No sodomy involved.

With it’s “over the net” capabilities virtual orgasmic rape is just the push of a button away.

.....I don't even know what this sentence is even supposed to refer to! Does he think this is some website you log onto and start raping (in a "virtual orgasmic" way)?! This guy must either have the most active imagination ever, or a really, really bad childhood.

How refreshing would it be for a President to… put his pen and signature to a bill that dealt with such simulated sex excess in a way that was punitive to its creators to such a degree that they would never recover from it?

That's right! Obama, McCain, Clinton: listen up (wait, no, not Hillary; she'd actually do it)! We need to stop these orgasmic sodomizing simulators from reaching our kids and put the bastards behind it in prison, America-style!

(Note: BioWare is a Canadian company.)

Now, as you can imagine, there was quite a stir amongst the gaming community. So much so, that the article was floooooded with comments. Thousand of comments. And this is on a website that, from what I've seen in my scan of it, normally has 20 - 50 comments an article. Now, I'm not going to say that everyone was entirely civil; nay, there were quite a number of completely uncalled-for comments in addition to the ones which adequately described to Mr. McCullough how he was wrong.

So, with his toes of his left foot gently tickling the back of his throat, what does this man do? He sticks the right foot directly below the left in his follow-up article "Life Lessons: Gamers 'Rights' to Lesbo-Alien Sex" (see what he did there?). This was his chance to make amends, to admit that he had no idea what he was talking about. Let's see how he fessed up.

If the few who wrote me are indicative of the rest of the gaming universe, we know at least they have passion - for their toy-boxes...

*Facepalm.* That's not a good way to start.

But what was it I was supposed to have lied about? That my friend is the compelling part of this highly emotional drama - if only to one niche of people attached to their X-Boxes.

1. "The most realistic sex acts..." - from the YouTube footage I saw, I still concur, to me these acts are the most realistic put in video games - that I have seen. In the lesbian version one woman's hand appears to stimulate the crotch of the other passing between the legs. Today many of the more perv-oriented gamers took delight in describing for me the detailed description of games they claim are MORE realistic... Ok fine, I'll take them at their word, but for me the statement stands...

So, he's now saying he didn't lie because this is apparently the most realistic sexual acts ever put in a game that he has seen. You know what? I believe him. Because I'm sure the only other video game footage - period - he has ever seen was the first level of Super Mario Bros. However, in his original article, he didn't say "the most realistic sex I've ever seen in a video game." He said "the most realistic sex ever conceived" (emphasis mine). There's a large, day I say "cavernous," divide betwixt those two points. Hence, I still call BS on his original statement.

2. "One can custom design the shape, form, bodies, race, hair style, breast size of the images..." Evidently the only thing I got wrong on this was the breast size, though I would like someone to explain to me how the female characters end up having different sizes again on the YouTube footage I witnessed with my own eyes... But the rest of it was true. race, hair style, color - etc.

I'll grant him that last sentence. Still, when has it been a bad thing to allow players to customize race, hair, and...oh, right, right. It goes against the idea of the perfectly homogenized (but not homosexual) human.

3. "...the video game "persons" hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of." Again true (not that there are that many combinations of human sexuality to begin with.)

You know, I would say that this is again completely untrue and the man is as bald-faced a liar as any. However, this man was obviously brought up in a very conservative household, and probably only knows of the missionary position (being the "proper church form" and all). Hell, I don't even think about sex and I can think of more "combinations" than are displayed in the game. He then goes on to equate the fact a partner can be a lesbian alien to bestiality. Really, bestiality? That's rather harsh.

4. They also took outrageous umbrage to the claims I made in the column that the game is marketed to teen-age boys. (Though many of those giving me feedback happened to be under the age of 17/18.) The common argument is that because the game is marked "M" that means that no kid under 17/18 (depending on your state) would be allowed access to it. Asinine thinking through and through though. Simply like the fact that movie theaters are this night allowing children underage to purchase tickets, refusing to ask for ID, these games are being sold over the counter by the major chain stores with no enforcement of the age limit suggestions posted on the games themselves. The Gamers act as though the packaging itself is all the responsibility that needs to be taken. Of course they themselves probably started hiding their collection of Hustler Magazine under their beds when they were eleven and have thus a good idea of how the "letter of the law" differs from the "intent." Thus the explanation of why they were so sore with me for pointing out the obvious. The silly "M" label stands for, and accomplishes precious little.

He later recanted - somewhat - this last statement, so I'll give him that. However, I still have yeat to anyone present anything that says anywhere that it's marketed toward minors? Only arguments to the contrary. Even if the ratings system didn't do anything, that still doesn't prove the argument they're trying to make. I mean, do they even know what it means to "market" something? Seriously!

5. The major criticism the Gamers had for me in their reaction was this challenge: "Unless you've spent the 20 hours of game time it takes to get to the explicit scenes, keep your fat mouth shut!" Many challenges stated that unless I played it myself then I had no business pointing out its objectionably content. Would they say the same of a strip club at the end of their block or hookers knocking at their door? Normal people would not. There is an innate instinct that tells us right from wrong, it's called a conscience. Did I play the game? No. Did I talk to some gamers who had and who knew the possibilities of the game. Yes! Does it make the lesbian, alien, hetero, homo sex that a player arrives at in the game a proper thing for teenagers to be tantalized by? Absolutely not!

So the fact that there's an option to experience, or not experience, a segment of the game that makes up .08-.17% of the total package means nothing to this guy? As to opposed to a movie, which literally shoves sex scenes down our throats with or without our approval? This man must honestly believe the game is a hardcore sex simulator. He even compares it to a hooker, for cripe's sake!

So, things kept rolling along. As you may expect, his eloquent words did little to appease gamers worldwide. People wondered why he would continue to bear-bait people like this. One proposal (likely, an accurate one) came from webcomic Penny-Arcade who basically thought that it was his ticket out of obscurity. Because really, the guy is a nobody. Sure, he's written a book, but aside from his liberalism-fighting, he's never done anything.

...Now, there is an ending to this one. McCullough had an Internet Radio show on which he spoke with several gamers about the issues. And, surprise, he learned that he was, in fact, wrong about things, including the fact that ratings actually do things (the percentage of minors successful in purchasing M-rated games dropped from 85% in 2000 to 42% in 2005, and it's likely lower now). He also learned that not all "Gamer-Nerds," as he originally called them, are slobbering idiots who want to sodomize children, but are normal people who care about these issues as much as he does (perhaps more-so, seeing as they actually do research). And so, after 4 days of complete turmoil, the guy - still against the game - admitted that he was wrong on a couple of his original points, and said (in bold lettering, no less),

I DO apologize to the gaming universe!

Ah...all's well that ends well.

Oh, wait.

It's not over yet?

*Sigh* Here we go...


Chapter Three - Fox News

So...Fox News. Ever hear of them? Of course you...have?

So, this is the big one, as well as the most current (that is to say, ongoing).

You know what? No introduction. Watch the clip.


Now, my point-by-point:
1. Again, "SexBox". I think all these conservatives have all the same joke writers - bad, unoriginal joke writers.

2. "A new game...is leaving nothing to the imagination." These people must have small imaginations. Very small.

3. "It features full, digital nudity. Imagine!" I thought we didn't have to, lady! Still, you've seen the clips yourself. I would hardly classify the partial nudity in the game as "full nudity."

4. "The person playing the game can decide exactly what's going to happen between the two if you know what I mean." Yes, because it's so simple to control a cinematic cut-scene.

5. "The game is rated M for mature, but critics say the game is being marketed to kids and to teenagers." ONE EXAMPLE! THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR! Lord almighty, how hard can it be to validate a single sound-byte.

6. Geoff Keighley is a very nice man, and considered the best video game journalists the industry has ever had (and is considered by many one of the best journalists in any field currently). The anchor flippantly refers to him as a "video game expert" (which even sounds contrived) and for the rest of the interview, he's treated like some kind of weirdo. I like how he keeps a stiff upper lip for the entirety of the segment he was in, but you have to feel bad for the man.

7. "Pandora's Box has been opened." Really? Pandora's Box? Those three minutes up there equate to Pandora's Box?

8. "Unless you're hovering over [your kids] every second, they're going to find ways to see this stuff on the Internet." Is she even still talking about Mass Effect? There's plenty worse things on the Internet, lady. A little intergalactic lovin' is the least of your problems compared to - oh, I don't know - child molesters and the like! Just a thought. And you don't have to "hover" around your kids every minute, you just have to be smart about what they have access to.

9. "Let's look at the statistics. Who's playing video games but adolescent males, not their dads." And the stereotypes begin! Yes, Miss Lawrence, let's look at the statistics. The beautiful statistics, which say that they average gamer age is 33. Minors make up only 28.2% of all gamers, whereas 47.6% are aged 18-49, and 24.2% are above 50. Also, a greater portion of the video gamer pie (31%) is taken up by women aged 18+ than it is for male minors (20%). So, given a random sampling or a perfectly heterogeneous group, it's more likely that an adolescent male's mother (or at least older sister) is playing a game than the adolescent male himself. I love statistics...real ones, that is.

10. "You don't see women as being valued for anything but their sexuality." Does she know that in the game, in order to reach these couple minutes of sexuality, you have to go through hours of dialogue, learning the innermost secrets of the characters, what they want to achieve in life, and having to respond in a way that creates a kinship with them? No? Okay, then.

11. "It's a man in this game deciding how many women he wants to be with." How does one encounter suddenly become basis for calling the main character (who can be male or female) a gigolo of sorts. That statement was completely inaccurate, and Geoff thankfully points that out immediately.

12. "Cooper, have you ever played Mass Effect?" "N-n-no." ................*Facepalm*

13. I like how when they show a screenshot from the game, they have an unnecessary large black box around the alien's butt, as if there was anything there but slight curvature.

14. "Geoff, I went on the website for the game to do 'research' and when I tried to go on it there was a little popup that had me enter my age and so I thought it was a scanning process and so I thought 'God, this is gonna take forever' and I enter my age and BOOM you're in! That's a pretty easy screen to get past." World-class journalism there. As far as the "screening process" goes, how difficult do you want it, woman? Do visitors have to give their credit card information to see the site? Honestly, I'm curious to hear how she'd improve the system.

15. Geoff: "One of the great things about Mass Effect - people who've played it know this - is that it's sort of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Story and the game doesn't force you down any situation. You could actually play through the entire game without the sexual situation ever happeni-" Lawrence: "Yes, and the young boys are going to be choosing not to have sex, that'll be what they choose." This is where I get a lot of my respect for Geoff. Had that woman interrupted me - in a condescending way, no less - I would have gotten royally pissed off. Plus, she makes it sound like 10 year olds are the only ones playing this.

16. "It's not a simple choice. You don't turn on the game and it says 'Do you want to have sex or not?' It's with the evolution of a relationship with characters and the fact that this game has incredible artificial intelligence, and you can actually fall in love in this game, and it's just like modeling a form of your life." I think this one statement digs at the very heart of the controversy. Most of the people who have been criticizing the game have treated it as though it were just a sex simulator. This is basically Geoff's last attempt at reason. The response...?

17. "Darlin'..." If I said I would have been pissed off before, this would have put me over the edge. What an utter lack of respect and professionalism.

18. "I gotta go with the research, and the research says that there's a new study out by the University of Maryland that's out right now that says that boys who play video games cannot tell the difference between what they're seeing in a video and what's in the real world if they don't have a real experience." Yes, Miss. Lawrence does her research, and she gets only the most recent research, right? Well, I scoured the University of Maryland for any study related to video games at all. And, to Miss Lawrence's credit, there was one. It came out in 2005. So much for that whole "new study" thing. The study, which you can read about here, basically says that students find video games to be essentially harmless. Now, these aren't elementary students. Hell, these aren't even high school students. These are University of Maryland students! Where did Miss Lawrence see anything about "boys who play video games." Hell, they only interviewed two students, and one of them was 19-year-old girl. The only talk in that study about the "damaging effects" of video games (which I will admit, to the non-vigilant, there can be) was always in reference to previous studies. That's some damn good research there, Miss Lawrence. Bring up one three-year-old study with ambiguous results and completely (mis)interpret them to suit your final comment. Well played!

19. "Who can argue, possibly, that Luke Skywalker meets 'Debbie Does Dallas' is a good thing? It's not, it's just not good, and I'm definitely not going to let Mass Effect in my house." Thank you, bespectacled random guy. But, since you bring up Star Wars (the original ones, rated PG), don't you think there was already some, y'know, raunchy stuff in that (like, basically everything related to Jabba the Hutt)?

20. "Once you bring it into the house...our kids aren't always supervised...they let themselves in after school, and what do you think they're going to do when they get there? 'I want to play my dad's video game.' And that's dangerous." If that's your problem, hide the goddamn game disc! Problem solved.

21. "I'm not sure why it didn't merit an 'Adult Only' rating which is the highest rating a game can have. This board that rates them all needs to have their head examined." For all intents and purposes, "M" is the highest practical rating a game can have, and because games rated M are pretty much sold to only those over 17, it's pretty much Adults Only. The issue with the AO rating is that the three console makers (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) have a strict "No-AO" policy, meaning that a game cannot be sold if it is for Adults Only. Hence, an AO rating is an effective banning in the United States. Very few games ever get it, and if they do, they often tone down whatever their issue is until an "M" rating is procured. The exact same thing happens all the time in movies. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was originally rated R, but was toned down just enough to get the coveted PG-13 rating. The ESRB has done an excellent job in my opinion, almost to the point of "overdoing it" (they have a warning about "Alcohol Usage" in games; ain't that adorable?). Someone may need to have their head examined, but the ESRB is doing fine.

22. "This made me feel old, watching this. Whatever happened to Atari and Pinball and Pac-Man?" ..........................................*Facepalm*

23. Some Guy: "At the end of the day, it's up to parents to control what their kids are seeing and doing and playing." Anchor: "It is. Unfortunately, it makes being a parent a much harder job." Yes, because being a parent is supposed to be easy. Why do I have the sick feeling that if I were given a kid right now, I'd still be a better parent than these people? Yes, you're kids can access things all over the place (it may be hard to download Mass Effect by phone, however), but that's just called "living with the times." Put some effort into your children, people! My parents did, and I turned out just fine.

24. I think the saddest part of this whole thing is that Geoff's words seem to have fallen upon deaf ears. He made a beautiful case for the game in the extremely short time he was given, and yet they all still act like it's just pornography.

Well, I guess that's Faux News for ya.

...But wait! It's not over yet!

Electronic Arts, who recently acquired BioWare, sent a letter to Fox News. I honestly can't blame them. After all, their quality game was completely trounced and dragged through its own filth in an unfortunately mainstream news station. You know what that's called? That's slander, children.

Basically, they requested - requested, not demanded - that Fox News corrected many of the errors that they made, including the ideas that the game shows full nudity and graphic sex and that it's been marketed to teenagers. The end of the letter, which I'll reproduce here, tries to reach out to Fox News' supposed good side.

The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.

Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.

Normally, I would never claim to be on EA's side, but Jeff Brown (VP of Communications, who wrote the letter) is completely right. Think if you were one of the many people who worked on this game for years, and have its name sullied by half-truths and whole lies. It is insulting. It is also ironic that Fox News is in the same empire as Fox, which seems to have exactly opposite morals. Finally, I appreciate the fact that they didn't threaten legal action. They must have learned from my example.

But things weren't so easy. The producer of the show on which the segment was hosted had sent a single line text message to Brown, blowing off his whole request. Brown then commented that he wouldn't let the good people of Canada to have their work and reputation slandered, and that there would be a fight if Fox news did not come clean.

Finally, Fox News did make a statement, but not the one that EA wanted.

Fox News Channel has extended several invitations to EA through a company representative to appear on Live Desk With Martha MacCallum to discuss Mass Effect and the segment which aired on Monday. We have received no response.

So, they're forcing EA to come on to their show to pry out an apology like so many rotten teeth. Isn't a news company supposed to fess up when they make a mistake and/or lie? Well, any with integrity would. I guess that's Faux News for you.

But what of Miss Cooper Lawrence? You know, that obvious feminist who condescends grown men and does research that would make Inspector Clouseau shake his head in disbelief. Well, you may remember that when she was introduced, she was noted as the author of the new book "The Cult of Perfection." Well, I wonder how that book is. Let's check out Amazon.

Heh.

At it's peak, there were over 500 1-star reviews. As of this writing, there are 382. I'm sure most will be taken down before too long. So far, Amazon mainly deleted those which included personal attacks on the author (name calling, threats, etc.). The rest is fair game. A lot of people are saying things to the effect of "If she criticizes games without playing them, I'm going to criticize her book without reading it," and "She's using her womanly body on the cover for no other reason than to sell more copies of her book. That teaches kids poor morals." In case you're wondering, no, I haven't written a review of the book. Though I do find myself smirking at the situation.

Which brings me to my final point.

If you have any sort of occupation which connects you in some way to the Internet, tread carefully when talking about gamers. Because - and I say this without pride nor malice - gamers own the Internet. It's essentially the same population. And with tools like Digg, news travels fast. Hence, action can be taken swiftly and brutally. It will overload your website's server, it will flood your inbox, and you can be damn sure all your books will have poor reviews.

So, are gamers just a bunch of thugs who will bully anyone who disagrees with them? No, no, no....well, yes, some are. But most are fairly reasonable. Here's an interesting thought: why don't academic institutions that post anti-gaming studies not hated upon (much)? My idea is that it has to do with credibility. These organizations did actual research and experiments to come to their conclusions. They didn't pull things out of midair.

Second takeaway point: when you're watching the news and you see these sensationalist stories, don't take them at face value. Often times, they're based on ignorance and speculation.

So, long story short: if you want to criticize a game, make sure you know what you're talking about! That's all.

Holy hell, that was long. Hopefully, you're still the same age you were when you started reading. I guess this counts as my beginning of semester thesis. In any event, I'm interested in hearing your opinion on the subject. Am I wrong? Have I been downplaying this sexual encounter? Do you have an example of Mass Effect being marketed to children (I'd really like to see one)? Whatever you have to say, sound off in the comments.

Laters.

***UPDATE 1/26/07***
So, at this point, Amazon has removed all reviews of Miss Lawrence's that were from people who have obviously not read the book. As of this moment, there's only 21 left (though, interestingly, they're still all 1 and 2-star ratings). Additionally, Miss Lawrence has come forth and apologized. Here's the story from the New York Times. (If you don't have a NYT account, I recommend getting one; it's free.) It's worth a read, mainly because it's pretty amusing for a newpaper article, with lines such as "The Internet hath no fury like a gamer scorned." In the article, Miss Lawrence comes clean and admits that even though she was the "expert" for Fox News, she had no idea what she was talking about. Here are the prime paragraphs.

In an interview on Friday, Ms. Lawrence said that since the controversy over her remarks erupted she had watched someone play the game for about two and a half hours. “I recognize that I misspoke,” she said. “I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke.

“Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography,” she added. “But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of ‘Lost’ that are more sexually explicit.”

Some have claimed that this is nothing but damage control to try to prevent more negative reviews from sending her Amazon book ratings "into oblivion" as the article author puts it. Personally, I think it's sincere, from a person who was honestly unaware of the far-reaching implications her words would have. Either way, I applaud that she had enough grace and dignity to admit her mistake. We'll see if anyone else (i.e. Fox News) follows suit.

Why "O" Why?

Okay, I've figured out the one reason why anyone should use the Opera web browser: when, for some reason, your computer completely b0rks and you lose all your Firefox capabilities and even when you try uninstalling and reinstalling, you just can't get Firefox to work.

In that case...yes, it is okay to use Opera.

God help us all.

The V8 Chronicles: Epilogue

You know, there's a reason I usually don't give previews to future posts. I like to write things down at my own pace. I need to be free, man, like the wind.

So anyway, don't expect me to give a little teaser at the end of any posts in the near future. It's tricky enough to know when I'll have a chance to sit down and write something, much less something planned.

In any event, the V8 blob! What ever happened to it? Did I end up filing a lawsuit? Did I actually eat it (y'know, for kicks)? Well, whatever I did, I didn't have much time for it. As you may know, I was keeping the blob in my freezer, to deal with at a later time. The problem therein, though, is that I had to go home for winter break. I sure as hell wasn't going to bring that blob home with me. Why, then, didn't I leave it in Berkeley? Well, unfortunately for me, the power to the room is shut off during the winter, meaning that our little friend would no longer be frozen. He would be thawed, growing...and angry.

So, once December began, I knew I needed to get my move on. So, I scheduled an appointment with the campus attorney, just for a little consultation.

Now, the attorney was in no way a personal injury lawyer, but he was still immensely helpful. He gave me pamphlets, old cases, and phone numbers to some local P.I.L.s in Berkeley.

I won't go into the nitty-gritty, but here's the takeaway point: I'm not going to be taking any sort of legal action. Here's why:
1. There are three basic divisions of civil court. There's small claims court, which covers amounts up to $2,500. There's...um...medium claims court(?) which goes up to, I believe, $25,000. Then there's the big league, which covers everything above that point.
2. According to the campus attorney, based on what I had said, this would most likely be a case for small claims court. He said it may be able to make it to the middle tier (he really thought my pictures were disgusting). However, one of the advantages of small claims court is that no lawyers are involved; just the plaintiff and defendant. If I tried middle claims court, Campbell's would send in their lawyers, and, well, that would be the end of me.
3. So the most I can realistically get out of this is $2,500. A far cry of my pipe dreams of them shoveling $100,000 under the table to my coffers, but a tidy sum nonetheless.
4. However, many of the things you can sue for in small claims court, to a claim like this, I couldn't, because it usually involves specific dollar amounts. Examples:
4a. Lost income from not showing up to work due to sickness. Being a student (and an RA, whose only income is room and board), I didn't lose any money. Hell, I didn't even miss an hour of school (well, I did, but for unrelated reasons).
4b. Medical costs. I went into the doctor's office a couple weeks after the incident, but it was for a dry skin-related issue. And even though they gave me a full checkup (as they are wont to do), it didn't cost me a dime (thanks to the student health insurance plan).
4c. Pain and suffering. According to my little pamphlet, pain and suffering costs are usually "5 times your medical bill." Well, as any 4th Grader can tell you, $0 x 5 = $0. Now, I could still put a number figure up for this, but it wouldn't be anymore than, say $500 (and even that is pretty generous).

So, I can sue Campbell's for a maximum of $500. However, my case would be pretty weak, as I didn't see a doctor the next day, etc. Truth be told, it would be an uphill battle. Yes, the pictures were gross, and the actual object would be even more gross, but I'd have to do a lot of preparation and research, I wouldn't be able to get anything done until January, and there would still be the blob proper to worry about until that time.

In the end, I figured some things aren't worth it. Suing Campbell's would just be too much effort for too little gain, and that's if I gained anything at all (which was a real issue). So, I just decided to drop the issue, mail in the blob to Campbell's (along with a stern note), and forget the whole thing.

...You wanna know a secret? When I first found the blob and dumped out all my V8, the first thing I did was throw it away. I was willing to write a tongue-in-cheek post about it and be done with it (my better judgement soon took over and I put it in the freezer).

One of my coworkers said to me, "You know, you're the perfect person for this to happen to for Campbell's, because you're the only person I know whose first instinct wouldn't be to sue." This is true. I was raised in a very non-litigious (and therefor un-American) household. Hence, I don't feel suing is the right course of action. Add to that my college persona of "not-being-phased-by-anything-or-at-least-not-showing-it" and you got yourself a cool consumer. The only reason I looked at legal action at all was because everyone told me to, and if I missed out on some huge cash settlement...well, I don't want to look like a sucker, do I?

So, here's to you, V8 blob! We had a good run, but now the saga has ended. I'm not sure how many people I've turned off to the stuff, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm only using those $9 worth of coupons on Goldfish!

Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend...

About the V8 Incident

I've had a lot of talks with a lot of people about a certain incident involving a certain bottle of V8. One of the main things I've heard is that I need to spread the word, to make sure people are aware. After all, informed consumers are productive consumers. I could do that via a local news organization, but I figured that a better method would be some online method (such as Digg [and yes, that is permission to Digg this article]). However, my previous post on the subject was a bit too...tongue in cheek, I suppose, and many people didn't even realize that it was real. So, I figured I should post a more serious explanation and follow-up, because yes, it was very real.

About a month ago (on Saturday, October 27th, to be exact), I had purchased a bottle of V8 vegetable juice from a local store. The bottle was perfectly normal, and had a long way to go before it was expired. That night, I was eating dinner in my room when I decided to have a high-sodium vegetable supplement to go with my meal. So, I opened up a bottle of V8 and took a sip.

I was immediately repulsed. It was one of the nastiest things I had ever tasted. I had to drink quite a bit of water to wash it down. However, I didn't know what the problem was. After all, it could have just been a bad combination of flavors of the V8 and my food (you know, like how orange juice tastes weird after you brush your teeth). Eventually, though, I came to my senses (and my stomach was feeling a little sick), and so I poured the bottle of juice into my bathroom sink. As I was pouring, I heard a small "thud!" come from the bottle. I had no idea what it could have been, so I looked at the bottle, and this is what I saw:

(WARNING: All pictures shown are not for the squeamish.)
In the Bottle 1
In the Bottle 2

Needless to say, I was horrified. Not only was I finding something solid in my juice, but it was so large that it couldn't even come out of the bottle without some effort. Eventually, I did get it out, and scrutinized it further. Honestly, the first image that popped into my head was "alien egg sac" or something. It was that disgusting. Here are some close-ups for the adventurous.

Close-Up 1
Close-Up 2
Close-Up 3
Close-Up 4

The very fact that this thing was even remotely close to my lips disgusted me. At this point, my stomach feeling a little sick turned into full-on nausea. Needless to say, I haven't had a V8 since.

I had kept both the bottle and the blob-thing in my freezer in order to keep them safe and preserved. Then, a couple days later, I contacted both Campbell's and the FDA to let them know about the situation. What I found pretty interesting about the FDA's response is that my letter was forwarded to the product complaint department, and the FDA liaison's little forward note was, "The pictures are a bit disgusting." That tells you something: when the FDA thinks your pictures are gross, that's a bad sign.

Campbell's response was very much by-the-books. "Mr. Schnorr, we're sorry for this situation, can we get more information, etc." They then sent me a little package which came with $8 worth of replacement coupons. Seriously? Replacement coupons? Do they think I want to buy more V8? Hopefully I can use on some other, non-tomato juice products.

They also sent me a little bag and envelope to ship the little blob into them, to do "tests". However, I have yet to do that yet, partially because I'm cautious about sending the whole thing to them. Who knows, I could call in a month, asking about it, and they could easily say, "Wha? I don't know what you're talking about. But now you've got no evidence, sucka!" I think I need to consult with the FDA before sending anything over.

I've gotten a wide range of ideas from people as to what the offending object could be, from some sort of animal brain (which I sincerely doubt) to a very large fungus that could have seriously poisoned me (that's the most agreed-upon theory).

In the end, I'm just happy that my experience wasn't any worse than it was. And on the bright side, almost nothing related to mold phases me anymore. But we'll see how this plays out.

There, But For the Grace of God...

Hello, hello!

Well, my Hell Week is officially over, and though I have a lot of reading to catch up on, and some assignments to do, my main pressures have been alleviated.

But let's take a look at what actually made me label this time period with such demonic flair.

Well, first, the last two weeks or so have all boiled down to Thursday. Thursday was the day in which I had to give a large and very important group presentation in my marketing class. This is a presentation that forced me and three others to meet a lot. And most of you already know my opinion on group projects (for those that don’t: I dislike them). So it was tough. And we made sure to be very thorough, even though I - the guy who always ends up being the de facto leader of every group I’m in - tried not to be in a leadership position for once.

So, keep in mind that I was either meeting up with people or actually working on this project during the course of these two weeks.

Now, last Saturday was the Amazing Bear Hunt. This was, without doubt, the largest and most intensive programs of the semester (and possibly of the year). We were meeting at least twice a week to prep for it, and working on it all other times. The program was essentially a huge photo scavenger hunt (much more intensive than the one I was involved with). It lasted 12 hours, from dawn to dusk, extended through San Francisco, and had over 300 clues for people in teams of 8-to-10 to find.

Because it was our first year ever doing this, we did everything from scratch. Websites, sponsorships, planning, clue-writing…everything. My main role was making the website (which is, as you may have been able to tell, necessarily similar in design to my old IDS 110 final project website), but I had plenty else to do as well. For example, I was one in charge of reading and responding to questions, concerns, complaints, etc. Not because I was necessarily ordained to do so; it was because nobody else ever checked the Gmail account. I also designed the logo (which I can’t show to you for reasons too long and uninteresting to go into, even for me) and the t-shirts.

Now, we’ve been planning this since August. But, as you may expect, we did extra work in the days leading up to Hunt. This meant packing and unpacking stuff, do this, doing that, etc. So, basically, my Friday was forfeit. But I still had to work on not only my project, but two midterms I had that week. So, I didn’t want to be wasting my time sitting around at some base camp in San Francisco. So, I told the team that I would have to stay in Berkeley.

In exchange for my absence, I promised to be the contact person, sending out text message notes and challenges to all the teams (all 25 of them). I also said that I would be that contact point for all the teams.

Wait, what?

Now, let me give you some background. I hate phones. I hate talking on phones. I prefer almost any form of communication (email, IM, face-to-face conversation) to phones. Don’t ask me why. There’s just something about having the obligation to pick up a machine after it produces this sound, only to speak with some disembodied voice. Now, if it’s someone I know and like, that’s fine. But when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, usually about a problem, I’m not so hot on that.

However, I figured that I wouldn’t have that many calls. People know what they’re doing, right?

Wrong!

I kept a little log of all the phone calls I got. And I averaged them for over the course of 10 hours (which is when I got the bulk of them). And I got, on average, a phone call every 5 or so. Over the course of 10 hours! Do you know how insane that is? It was like the third layer of Hell.

And it was a long day regardless. I woke up at 5am, and went to bed at 2am. And I was beat.

But it was over. At least, that part of everything was.

On Monday, I had an Accounting midterm. First, I have found out I really dislike Accounting (there goes my boyhood dreams of becoming a CPA), and two, I wasn’t prepared for the test. Regardless, my strategic studying paid of, and I only really lost points on multiple choice questions, resulting in a final score of 86 (which was not in any way bad).

The next three days were completely preoccupied with my group presentation. This was bad, because I also had a Microeconomics midterm on Thursday, immediately before the presentation. And Tuesday’s pretty much taken, what with my RA responsibilities and all.

Wednesday? Well, Wednesday pretty much just disappeared.

So I was stuck with Wednesday night to finalize and memorize my parts of the presentation, as well as study for the midterm. And, to put it simply, there was no sleep. Here, let me put a terrifying image in your mind. Imagine me (wearing my glasses to reduce strain on my eyes) taking a icy cold shower at 2:30am while downing a can of disgusting-tasting Full Throttle energy drink. (A quick aside about energy drinks: I think the reason they’re so disgusting is so people don’t get hooked on them.)

So, as the hours and minutes melted away, I found myself with less and less time to study for my Microeconomics midterm. And by 6am, I knew I had run out of time, because I had to get dressed (in my new suit!), and be at Haas by 8am in order to rehearse with my group.

So, 8am comes, and I meet with my group. Lo and behold!, my group hadn’t memorized their parts yet, even though the presentation was in a scant 4 hours. We found an empty room with a projector, set up our computer, and went through.

Now, I wasn’t using notes in any of our run-throughs. I don’t use notes. I don’t even have them tucked away somewhere. In all my years of theatre work, I’ve never had to ask for a line, and I wasn’t going to start here. Notes are a crutch, and I’ll be damned if I ever use them.

However, as Lady Irony would have it, I completely blanked out on one of my self-cues near the beginning of my rehearsal. I knew I wouldn’t forget it again, but still, one of my teammates said, “Do you have a set of backup notes?”

“Yes,” I said, “They’re in my backpack.”

“Well, maybe you should have them by the computer. You know, in case you choke.”

"…”

I swear, based on her reaction in the next several seconds, I must have given her the most unsettling glare ever. However, she brought it upon herself by insinuating that Andrew Schnorr chokes. As I told her upfront:

“Andrew Schnorr does not choke.”

(Quick aside: This same team member had previously made a comment in our preparations that had gotten the better of me [though I didn’t let it show that time]. When we were in slight disagreement about how to make a certain advertisement, she said to me, “Well, I know something about advertising. I’m in a group called ImagiCal. You ever heard of it.” My response? “…In passing.”)

The rest of the rehearsal went flawlessly…for me, at least. Note, I’m not trying to brag. Anyone who has seen me on stage knows I put my heart and soul into making sure I am flawless in front of my audience. However, my teammates somewhat stumbled through their parts. I was worried, but some of my worries were alleviated after our second run-through.

Thing is, though, the by the time we were done going through twice, it was 10am. I had one hour to study for my Microeconomics test. Now, it wasn’t as gloom-and-doom as you may be thinking. First of all, I’m not a complete dunce in economics; after all, it was my original major. Second, the test was open-note, open book, though that good news is tempered by the fact that the professor gave us over 100 pages of confusing handouts.

The main problem with the midterm, I knew, was going to be the wording of the problem. Our professor was famous for being tricky on the tests. So, what do I study if I know it’s open-note? The old midterms, of course. I figure that they’re the most condensed, relevant materials I could look at. So, the majority of my studying was finding where different problems (with solutions) were on the old midterms, and hopefully get enough info on the way to not need notes at all. However, 10:50 came too soon. I still did not feel prepared (nor should I have).

Now, there’s a prayer I say before all my tests. It’s a prayer I’ve said since high school, and it goes as follows:
Let me write what must be written.
Let me withhold what must be withheld.
And let me perform on this test to the best of my ability.

After that, I’d add on some “filler prayer” to complete it, like “I know this, it shouldn’t be an issue.” Basically, a little affirmation betwixt God and I about how I’m feeling.

Well, my little end-cap to the prayer this time was simple and sweet: “Give a kid a break.”

And then I took the test. And this is what the title of this post is referring to. Because, literally, I must have had some divine intervention, as I felt it went great. I knew things, and the things I didn’t know, I found quickly, as if some invisible hand were guiding me to market equilibrium the answers in my notes. In the end, I feel like I got a solid A, if not a perfect score. You better believe I was looking toward the ceiling and winking a lot.

So I had that working for me going into the presentation. And I felt good. And let me tell you, I nailed my parts of the presentation. The rest of my team didn’t do too badly either. Our main problem, though, was that our conclusion was apparently (and unequivocally) wrong. Eh, no skin off my nose. It was a poorly written case to begin with, and there were other groups that have been more wrong. Still the professor dug into us after class for nearly 10 minutes about all the problems we had, before giving us a 95 (obviously one of the higher scores). Hell, if the grade works, I’m willing to take an hour of verbal abuse.

Almost as a way to celebrate a Hell Day well-finished, I participated in a market research experiment, where I did basically nothing but press one of two buttons seven times, and I made $16. Sweet! Maybe I’ve been wrong all these years; maybe being a guinea pig is the way to go!

Talk to you later!

An 'MagiCal Experience?

You ever have one of those days where you wonder, "You know, has everyone just been humoring me this whole time?"

Yeah, today was one of those days for me.

It was either going to be that, or a really good day.

Let me start back at the beginning. A couple weeks ago, I heard about this thing called ImagiCal, which was the UC Berkeley Chapter of the American Advertising Federation. This member came in before one of my classes and said that there was some sort of competition to make an advertising campaign for AOL. One of my fellow classmates and I exchanged glances. "Hmm, this sounds like a case competition. We should check it out."

So, I went to the info session (the other guy missed it). What I found out, there, was that it was not a case competition; at least, not in the common sense of the word. It was actually a group, a team. Officially, it's "a student-run advertising agency whose primary focus is to create a multi-million dollar communications campaign for a corporate sponsor and present it at the AAF National Student Advertising Competition." It was a year-long thing, and it was split up into several departments:
Strategy
Accounting
Media
Public Relations
Media Productions
Creative

Er, what was that? Creative? And what was their job? Basically, after being told what the strategy for the advertising campaign would be, they would think up what the advertisements would be.

My jaw dropped. I don't think there could have been a more perfect place for me. After all, as I say, I'm one of the most creative people I know. I think many would agree that I'm pretty blessed in that respect. And I love the art of advertising. This ImagiCal was a gift to me. It was the major thing (outside of RAing), the major thing that I could do. I'm not a frat person, not even for the business frats. I needed something, and this would scratch that itch.

And, as fate would have it, the Creative Coordinator was actually an RA. He was from another unit, but we still knew each other. So even though that wouldn't be factored in, I at least had some sort of relationship with him, and wasn't approaching a bunch of strangers.

So, I filled out the application, and I think I did a pretty good job of it, too (if confidence was the only factor involved, I'd've got the position the first night). Now, they said you could include some works to give them a better idea about you. So, I took full advantage of that. I first went to my blog and showed them a couple of old posts that, as it turned out, related directly to advertising. I also showed them one of my skits, and a couple of other posts, just to show them the variety of things I could do. Now, because Media Productions (the department that actually made the ads) was my second choice on the application, I included some of my more sophisticated Photoshops. Hell, I even included a storyboard of a commercial that I had thought up, just to show them that 1)I know what the hell I'm doing; and 2)I take initiative on these sorts of things.

So, I turn in the application, and later get an email that says I've been offered an interview. Now, let me clarify a thing: there were three rounds of the recruiting process. After each round, the applicants were reviewed, and a certain portion were eliminated.
Round 1: Applications
Round 2: Personal Interviews
Round 3: Group Case Interviews

So, with Round 1 out of the way, I was that much closer to getting into the group. So, we signed up for interviews, and I got the second to last time slot. (As it turned out, one of my coworkers at Unit 2 was encouraged by the Creative Coordinator to apply. He ended up getting the last personal interview time slot.)

So, a week passed, and I finally got ready for my interview. I made sure to come prepared. We were supposed to bring a portfolio with us if the Media Productions was in our top three choices. I brought with me a writing portfolio, and a image portfolio. I even brought my laptop, because, as I explained to several people, a lot of my work doesn't translate well to paper. However, with a scant 30 minutes to the interview, we never even got to that stuff.

However, I did manage a sneaky little thing. One question I was asked by my five interviewers was, "Are you more of a visual person or a word person?" My answer: "That's really a question I can't answer, because I really think I'm both. I'm very much a writer, but when I write, I'm literally just transcribing the movies that play through my head. Would you...would you mind if I presented something to you?" They said they were happy to see anything I had brought. So, I took out five copies of my book and passed them to the interviewers. I tell you, their collective surprise was so palpable you could bottle it. I presented that as an example of my wordsmanship and my initiative (after all, it takes some drive to get a book published before you graduate from high school).

All in all, I think the personal interview went great. I was able to answer their questions without skipping a beat. Some of my answers:
1. Ad Campaign I Really Thought Worked: Sprite's Sublymonal Ads
2. Bad Ad Campaign: PlayStation 3 (Especially in Europe)
3. How to advertise a new "Extreme Power" Toothpaste in commercials: Zoom in on guy brushing his teeth to show his teeth as winter wonderland. Zoom out with him happily releasing a foggy breath.
4. Make Up Your Own Product (it didn't have to be realistic; I asked): "The Time Weaver," a time-manipulation device that could freeze time around you, make certain things go back, other things go forward, give you the physics to walk on water and air (by slowing down gravity), etc.
So that's how the interview went. I was quite confident after that point/

Then they scare me half to death when they call me the next day.

Her: "Hi, Andrew?"
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "This is [NAME] from ImagiCal."
Me: "Oh, hi."
Her: "Hi. We've been looking over your interview and application. We'd like to begin by thanking you for applying with us."
Me: (Off the Phone) "Goddammit!"
Her: "And we'd like to extend you a group interview this Sunday."
Me: "I, uh...thank you."

Now, if any of you ever become an employment offer, and you're not eliminating someone from the recruitment process, do not begin your conversation by thanking them for applying. That just screams "you didn't make it."

But I did make it, past Round 2 and onto Round 3!

Because my interview was at 11am Sunday morning, I set my alarm for 9am. Then I set two more. I was not going to miss this. But, I probably didn't even need them, as I was afflicted with what I call the "Christmas Morning Jitters". You know, when you're anticipating something so much that you wake up early? (I'll admit, I still wake up at 5am on Christmas morning.) Same thing here. I ended up waking up at 7am. Go back to sleep. Wake up at 8am. Go back to sleep. Wake up at 8:30am. Go back to sleep. Wake up at 9am to a barrage of alarms. Here we go.

So, I get myself dressed and prepared. The only thing I forgot to do was shave my whiskers from two days prior (though mine grow so slowly that I could have easily played off that they were from the day's progression). But overall, things were good.

I arrived 20 minutes before my interview, and eventually met up with the rest of the people who were going to be in my group. They seemed like a nice bunch. And when we finally did get to the interview (there was little actual interviewing; it was mostly them observing how we worked on the case). One thing I noticed about myself was that I was able to come up with campaign slogans on a dime. One thing I was called out on, though, was the fact that I never used the name of the product of the product (Ion, a hypothetical MP3 player). I told them in the interview that in the time provided, I couldn't think of any viable slogan using the product name that matched our campaign theme. (Only later in the day did I think of slogans like "InspiratIon" or something like that.) But hey, they had to cut us some slack; we only had 15 minutes to figure out the whole thing.

Overall, though, the group seemed pretty satisfied with how things went. Things seemed to be okay.

When I got back, I drank a bottle of Mexican coke (more on that later) to celebrate my getting through it all. All that was left was to play the waiting game (also known as doing homework until you hear something). That waiting game ended at 5:31pm, when I got a call from one of the department coordinators. I awaited his answer with bated breath. And that answer was:

"I'm sorry, but we can't offer you a position on the team this year."

(I'll admit, you probably saw that coming, considering the first two sentences of this post.)

My answer? A bright and chipper "Okay. Thank you." He told me that as a 3rd year, he recommended that I try again for the position next year. "You know, I think I'll do that." He apologized for my not getting on. "Oh, no it's okay." Did I have any questions? "No, that's cool." He told me to take care. "You too, and thank you for this opportunity."

I closed my cell phone and said with a smile, "Well, that's the end of that dream."

...Then I closed my room door and proceeded to go into breakdown mode for about fifteen minutes.

I then called the guy back, just because I wanted to put my mind at rest. I called and said, fully professional and chipped, "You know, you asked if I had any questions, and I think it would be foolish of me to waste an opportunity like that. If I were to apply next year, what would you recommend for me to improve upon what I did this year."

Translation: "WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?!"

His response: "I'll be honest. There were a lot of applicants, especially for Creative. It was by far the most popular department. Just the fact that your were able to make it to the third round means you're qualified. In fact, you're fully qualified. It's just that we only had three openings, and we wanted to make sure we had a team that we knew could work together for that department."

Translation: "It's not what you can do, but rather who you are."

And so it comes down to what is effectively a personality thing. Apparently my personality wouldn't work well on their team. Or, at least, not well enough.

This was a pretty harsh blow on me for three principle reasons:
1) This is exactly the kind of thing I should be doing at Haas. 110% my niche.
2) I'm trying to get an cold internship (that is, one they didn't advertise for) in the marketing department at Nintendo of America this summer. I was going to add ImagiCal to my cover the moment I heard I got in, if that did indeed happen. Being part of the American Advertising Federation would have given me a huuuuuge leg up in being considered for an actual internship. Now, I'm not blessed with that advantage.
3) The fact that this is not the first time I've been rejected for something in this same way. Always, they say, "You're perfectly qualified, we just don't have enough room," or "we couldn't find the right place for you." That's my curse, I suppose. I'm "good" at everything...just not good enough.

..................

...Okay, I'm done.

Now, don't worry about ol' Andrew. I'll get by. I just needed to let off some steam. It was just supposed to be a really good day. And I have the distinct feeling my coworker got the position. Not that it would create any animosity between the two of us. It would just be weird.

Okay, next time you're here, I'll have something a little more upbeat to talk about (unless something bad happens between now and them). Until then, ugh.

And There's No Time Left for Losin'

Sometimes you make mistakes.

Like, a while back, I was looking at the various venues that were going to be playing at the Greek Amphitheater here in Berkeley (a ten minute walk from where I am). Most of them were either for people who were I've never heard of, or people I had no interest in seeing.

Except for one: the Goo Goo Dolls. When I saw that, I wanted to buy a ticket, but I didn't (I think I was just hesitant, or procrastinating, or something). Eventually I forgot entirely about it.

That concert was this Friday, and I missed it. One of my residents went, though, and I asked him how it was. He said it was great. Not only did the Goo Goo Dolls play, but the opener? Lifehouse. Life-freaking-house. They played for 45 minutes, while the Goo Goo Dolls played for 2 hours.

"Oh. My. God. How the hell did I miss that? That would have been so unbelievably awesome," I said. And apparently it was. During the Goo Goo Doll's arguably most famous song, Black Balloon, they flipped some switch that released hundreds of balloons into the audience.

So, let this be a lesson to you, and especially to me: if there's a concert around where you live, with a band you like, and the tickets are less than $50, don't wait. Buy them immediately. Sometimes spontaneous consumption can be healthy for you. That is one mistake I'm not making again.