Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Lobotmist's Dream All-Purpose Holiday Cards!

Well, I'm all done with finals. My last little piece was an essay for my "Politics of Music" class. The essay is complete trash, but I'm taking the course Pass/No-Pass, and at this point, I could get a big red F on the essay and it wouldn't make a difference.

(Quick aside: Do teachers really make F's as large and visible as possible on their students' papers and tests? That's how I've always seen it portrayed, and it really doesn't seem tactful or tasteful.)

Anyhoo, I could have put more effort into the essay, but I was preoccupied. I spent literally a day and some change on being a nice guy.

Wait, what's that?

Yes, during the majority of the calendar year, I am a stone-hearted, anti-humbuggery stodge-podge. However, I usually find myself to be a little it kinder to my fellow man for a little bit each year. But usually this only consists of me giving a smile and a friendly hello instead of my customary fork-in-the-eye.

Not this year! No, this year, I decided I wanted to do something extensive. Like give a little holiday greeting note to each of my coworkers, coupled with a Hershey's chocolate bar (provided by my traditional meal point surplus). However, I don't give just any old notes to my coworkers.

No, no, no. You see, I have a reputation of giving people drawings instead of notes. Random drawings. Simplistic, almost childlike drawings with the equally-childlike act of having an expository description with an arrow pointing to the drawing. What's not childlike about them is the fact that they are either completely random or actually portray a someone morbid/downer scene. I got this reputation some time during the beginning of the year (I don't exactly remember what the circumstances were), but it's one I kinda like. So, I decided to give everyone a unique holiday card with one of my special drawings.

However, here's the problem: I have 30 co-workers (actually, just 29, but 30 sounds more impressive). I had to come up with 30 random things. And not just random like "a chair" or "a Twizzler." No, these are supposed to be off-the-wall, out-of-the-box, and down-town things. Now, it's easy to think of one ("a piano skydiving" - see?), and you can come up with several with little difficulty. By 10, you're starting to feel the strain. By 20, you are banging you head against the wall. And those last couple make you want to chew the skin off your knuckles. It's really amazing how difficult it can be (especially when you're limited on artistic resources).

However, after a day and a half, I was able to make it through all of them, and I added the corniest notes you could think of and put in some chocolate bars, slipped them in envelopes with names fancily written on, and sealed them with my official seal, and put them in our staff mailboxes. So that's that.

But that's NOT that! I wanted to continue my nice streak, so I'm gonna!

I've included all of my holiday cards here for your pleasure. Feel free to use them in one of four ways:
-As is.
-After erasing my name. As much as I'd like to receive credit for the letters you send, I understand.
-After erasing my note. You may wish to go with something a bit less corny, tacky, and pun-filled.
-After erasing the picture. Now stop and think about why you've wasted both our time.

So, browse through! (NOTE: These are in no particular order. Try to guess which ones are my favorites [guesses go in the comment section]!)

Octopus playing maracas and concertina

Flying hammer brigade

Sun and Snowman: BFFs?

Nearsighted anaconda writing memoirs

Pliny, the Elderly Apple

Rasputin, the Dream-Spewing Hat

Schizophrenic pocket watch at 6:20 (pm)

A pair of overalls participates in the Olympic javelin toss with his parents looking on

Self-loathing demon pickle dog

A street-smart fish taking off his shirt after a hard day of fighting inner city crime

Frog trying out for the cheer squad

Rabbits' boat in the desert

FLAAAAAME thrower robot

Pot gaining self-awareness

Purple centipede-at-arms


A lollipop pondering the mysteries of the universe

Kinda cool turtle playing on his first drum

Teddy bear accused of a crime he *didn't commit* + The *real* criminal

Bowling pin magician that says you've chosen the ace of Spades (he's wrong)

Luke the Flame reconsidering his vacation plans

Tarantula cooking dinner

Two different species of eyeballs falling in love

Golf ball riding a bicycle

Mother grapes watching child go off to college

Students graduating from skeletal school

Crocodile pulling off some sweet moves on the slopes

Jerry the Orange accidentally goes down a slight incline while his friend looks on

Unhappy tree delivery service

Whoo! Good hustle, kids! As a special bonus treat, here are some brainstorming sketches I made (including an unused cotton candy secret agent).

As a special special bonus treat, here is an additional sketch of a mysterious character. If I'm not mistaken, only two of my readers should really be able to correctly guess as to his identity, and only after I give the hint that he's holding a poorly-drawn fish in his hand.

Okay, that's all the nice vibes from me. Begone witcha! But be sure to stay tuned to find out what really happened with the V8 blob (probably in a couple days, after I go back home).


Anonymous said...

Is there really an "extra bonus" ? There was no link and I was really looking forward to it!!!

Andrew Schnorr said...

No link?


Oh, you know, I think you just didn't look hard enough. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.)

Anonymous said...

Wow, simply wow. Andrew, are you sure you have not partaken in those famous mind-altering Berkeley chemicals?

BTW, the link to the teddy bear card incorrectly led to the URL for the grapes card.

As for your mysterious character, I must be outta the loop. I am sorry if I have failed you!

You're going to be down in this area? For how long? You know we need to own Squall at Risk once more, correct. Similarly, you all can destroy me at some Wii game.

-Comrade Chavez