Friday, February 15, 2008

Scenes from Valentine's Eve

In a par-for-the-course move, I spent Valentine's Day alone this year. (Technically, you could say I spent it with my building, as I was on duty, but let's not get into semantics.) Since I had no special lady to dote upon, I decided to do something for my coworkers. So, I made my special Valentine's Day Cards, folded up and with little notes. They looked as such:
Just so you know, everything that looks like it is a mistake, isn't. Every card looks like this.

I also bought some tulips to give away with the flowers (the idea being they'd be dead by the time the people found them, making it, I dunno, ironic). So I went to Safeway and got three bunches of 10, white, red, and pink.

Safeway Clerk: "Got a special lady you're giving those to?"
Me: "Multiple." *Wink.*
Safeway Clerk: "..."

Of course, there were ladies on the bus ride back who commented that "she would love it." I didn't dare make that same joke to them; in Berkeley, you're only three words away from a feminist mob at any time.

Anyway, I stored the flowers in my fridge, which is actually a really bad idea, because the flowers touching the walls of the fridge got all soggy and gross (which wasn't what I was looking for). Still, there was enough to give one to each coworker.

I stapled (yes, stapled) the cards to the leaves of the tulips, and then after 3am (when all the security monitors had left) I went out and placed a flower/card combination on each door. There were a few people in the hallways who must have thought I was the sketchiest guy ever, but I don't really care. Who they gonna call? The RA on Duty?

The next day (that is, Valentine's Day), quite a few people were thanking me. I played dumb, pretending they weren't from me. However, everyone knew they were, not in the least because I made no effort to actually hide my name on them. One of my more tick-like coworkers (and I mean that in the most loving way possible) latched onto me and was hugging me for what must have been a full minute. She said I was the nicest person on staff. I quickly corrected her.

However, not all on Valentine's Eve was flowers and sunshine. Behold, the Valentine's Day Scare!

Wednesday Night
Me: Hey, there’s a message on my answering machine. I should listen to it.
Answering Machine: This is ADC, calling with an important message. We need you or your attorney to call us tomorrow by noon central standard time, or else legal actions will be filed."
Me: "......."
Answering Machine: This is ADC, calling with an important message. We need you or your attorney to call us tomorrow by noon central standard time, or else legal actions will be filed."
Me: "Oh God, what's going on? Couldn't they have elucidated a little more? What the hell do they want with me? What's ADC? Am I getting sued?"

*On the Internet Acronym Finder*

Me: "Okay, ADC stands for...Allied Data Corporation? What the hell is that? Is that like some technology cartel? Are they trying to sue me for having illegal software. Well, they can't do that, because I have no illegal software on my computer! ...Maybe I should look them up."

*On the Allied Data Corporation website.*
Me: "Collection agency? Do I owe someone money? I don't owe anybody money. Do I? Are these people going to break my legs or something. Ohhh, Lord."

Thursday Morning
Me: "I need to call ADC right away!"
*Dials phone number and extension.*
Jim: "Hello, this is Jim, how may I help you?"
Me: "Hi Jim, I recieved a phone call a last night threatening me if I didn't call you this morning. Do you have any idea what this is about?"
Jim: "Yes, sir, this is about your complete lack of integrity in responding to my client."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Jim: "Currently, you owe my client $12,000; I'm here to make sure you pay up or face the consequences."
Me: "Jim, I'm pretty sure you made a mistake."
Jim: "We don't make mistakes at ADC, sir. Now, if you do not pay the money that is owed within the next month, we are going to sue to seize your current assets."
Me: "WHAT?! What are you talking about?! I don't owe anybody $12,000!"
Jim: "Sir, this conversation is being recorded, so I would suggest being cooperative."
Me: "Jim, you don't understand, I'm...Jim, when are your phone records from?"
Jim: "Excuse me?"
Me: "I mean, when is the last time this phone number was changed?"
Jim: "Oh, that was in...December 2005."
Me: "Jim, my name is Andrew Schnorr. Is that the name of your target?"
Jim: "No, we're looking for a [name withheld]."
Me: "Jim, this is a dormitory phone number. There have been multiple people in this room since 2005. The person you're dealing with hasn't lived here almost two years."
Jim: "Oh, I see. I apologize, sir, we made a mistake."
Me: "First time for everything, I suppose."
Jim: "Well, sorry about the scare, and Happy Valentine's Day."
Me: "Uhuhuhuhuh...."

Now, as a quick follow up to last year's article...
Did I get any cheap pun cards? Yes, three. Mercifully fewer than I was fearing.
What is this year's Valentine's Day Song? (That is, what song did I listen to the most?) This kinda came out of right field, as I had my iPod on shuffle, and this song came up, and I just kept repeating it. It's by Shakira, and it's called "Eyes Like Yours." I suppose there's some romance in it, but mostly it's just a good beat-keeper-upper.

You know, it's funny how involved I get in a holidya I have no part of.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like a great valentines day was had by all! Still love that card and the happy ending that you don't owe anyone 12K and you aren't getting sued!


Anonymous said...

Yup, aside from ol' Plinny, this is by far my favorite work of yours.

-Comrade Chavez

Anonymous said...

Shakira ftw!

Anonymous said...

12k andrew? I lol'd, seriously.