Random Scenes From a Horror Movie I Thought Of

The crew is inside the haunted shack-mansion. Phillipe is dead on the ground. Tyler walks in.

Tyler: "Hey guys, I-" (Sees body) "Whoa! Aiech! Yeesh! Muahhh! Eewww! Yeeoo-"
James: "You know, those noises aren't going to exonerate you."
Tyler: "I guess not, but sheee..."
James: "Well, now we need to figure out which one of us killed Phillipe."
T.B.: "Could it have been the neighbor? The one that threatened to murder us all if we didn't leave before moonrise?"
James: "Now, now. Let's not jump to any conclusions."
Shawn: "Dammit, James, you never let us jump to conclusions!"
James: "I think we should establish our own alibis first. For example, at the time of the murder, I was in town shopping for food. Anyone in the store can vouch for me."
Kyla: "I was doing my video journal. The time stamp on the video should prove me innocent."
Lester: "Erica and I were debating about having premarital sexual relations. But after consulting with the Bible, we determined that going through with it would be morally wrong."
Erica: "So we can vouch for each other."
Tyler: "Well, I was having that same discussion with the local farmer's daughter. We came to a different conclusion."
Steve: "I'm twelve years old! If I could kill him, he deserved to die."
Shawn: "I was in the can. You can go in there if you don't believe me."
T.B.: "I was on the porch swing having a conversation."
James: "With who?"
T.B.: "The porch swing."
Everyone: "..."
T.B.: "Yeah, the porch swing was trying to convince me that I need to kill everyone in town - including you guys - before you all try to kill me."
Everyone: "..."
James: "And did you decide to acquiesce?"
T.B.: "Oh, Lord no. I was actually trying to convince the porch swing about the value of human life. In fact, I was just up in the library upstairs doing some research in one of those old grimoires about what the ancient philosophers believed was the worth of humanity. Here's a brief outline."
T.B. hands James several sheets of paper.
James: "Well, it's quality research, but still..."
T.B.: "...Oh, wait, you think I did it? I...I suppose that did all sound pretty suspicious."
Tyler: "You know, I think T.B. may have been right saying that it could have been a neighbor."
James: "Now, hold on there! I know these people may not be the smartest people in the world, or the most welcoming, but this town is their home! How would you like it if I came in to your home and starting calling you a murderer?"
Tyler: "If I murdered people, I wouldn't be terribly offended."
Lester: "But I've seen these people go to church. That means they worship God! And any God-worshiping folk wouldn't murder. It's against the 10 Commandments!"
Shawn: "Unless they're lying about being religious."
Erica: "But lying is also against the 10 Commandments!"
T.B.: "We could always ask them."
James: "No, no, I don't want to offend these simple folk. I say right now, we give Phillipe a decent burial. Tyler, T.B., Shawn: get on it."
Fade to scene of Tyler, T.B., and Shawn digging. The grave is barely a couple inches deep.
T.B.: "This digging job isn't as fun as I was hoping."
Tyler: "Yeah, but we need to bury Phillipe's body."
Shawn: "Do we really?"
Tyler: "River?"
Shawn: "River."
Tyler and Shawn throw Phillipe's body into the river.


***

The crew is eating dinner at the witch's house. What they don't know is that the witch (in the guise of a beautiful young woman) killed Tyler and is feeding his remains to them.

James: "Thanks for inviting us to dinner, Ms. Starlight.
Witch: "Oh, it's my pleasure."
James: "I've noticed Tyler has taken quite a liking to you. It's a shame he couldn't be around for this dinner."
Witch: (Looking deviously into her large pot.) "Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere..."
James: "...I'm...I'm not sure I follow."
Witch: "Oh, nevermind. Let me serve you your food."
The witch begins pouring soup into everyone's bowls.
Kyla: "I have to ask, how do you keep your boobs so perky."
Lester: "Kyla! That's not approriate dinnertime talk."
Witch: "Oh, it's alright. I guess you could say it takes a little...magic."
The witch pours T.B.'s bowl of soup. One of Tyler's sneakers sticks out of it prominently.
T.B.: "..."
Witch: "Well, dig in, everyone! Eat, and grow plump and tender and...succulent!"
Shawn: "Hell yeah!"
Everyone eats their soup, except for T.B., who contemplates the sneaker for several moments. He then turns to the witch.
T.B.: "Um, there's a shoe in my soup. I'm not sure if that's part of the recipe, but..."
Witch: "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. How did that get in there. Let me get it for you."
The witch comes over and pulls the sneaker from T.B.'s soup. A big toe falls out into the soup, splashing some of it onto T.B.'s shirt before floating in the concoction.
T.B.: ".......I think I'll just have a roll." (He picks up a roll and takes a bite from it.) "Euagh."
T.B. lets the food fall from his mouth. An eyeball comes out and rolls around the table.
Witch: "Oh, how did that get in there."
James: "You have an unusually high amount of body parts in your cooking, Ms. Starlight. Is this a Welsh recipe?"
Witch: "You know, sometimes when you cook a feisty animal, a few unexpected things will end up inside. Think of them as hidden surprises."
Erica: "Like Cracker Jack prizes?"
Witch: "Uh, yeah."
T.B.: "May I have some water?"
Witch: "There's water right in front of you."
T.B.: "Yeah, but it looks like there's fingernail clippings in-" (The witch looks at T.B. harshly. A small pendant comes our from her blouse.) "Hey, isn't that Tyler's sacred pendant?"
Witch: "Um...yes. He gave it to me the night we fell in love. He said it's a symbol of our love."
James: "Actually, it's a symbol of mankind's wickedness. Tyler's grandmother was a Polish Jew, one of the lucky ones to survive through the entirety of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and through it all, she saw her family and friends all killed in various horrible fashions. That pendant originally belong to one of her best friends. She was able to sneak it in when they were first imprisoned. However, one day the friend tried to ask guard for medical attention. A dog had bit her. The guard beat her to death on the spot. Tyler's grandmother went to her aid, but she was too late. Her best friend was dead, her pendant hanging limply from her neck. Tyler's grandmother took a small lock of her friend's hair and put it inside the locket attached to the pendant, where it still remains."
Shawn: "Unless it's in the food."
James: "She did this because she knew that whenever she felt the lock of hair, she would remember how she felt when she was holding the lifeless head of her best friend. So she would never forget the kinds of horrible things one person could do to another. Now, about 10 years ago, Tyler's grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. Tyler was the last person she spoke to before her death. She wanted him to take the pendant to remember not only her, but all the millions who had died before her, not surrounded by family in a warm hospice bed, but surrounded by laughing, spitting guards, beating and kicking them until they stopped breathing. And Tyler took that to heart. He has never removed that pendant, and said he would never do so until he had to pass it on to his own grandchildren, because to do so would be to forsake the memory of his people, his faith, and his grandmother."
Witch: "..."
Erica: "But he gave it to you as a present? How romantic!"
T.B.: "Ow, this salad bit me."
Witch: "Alright, this dinner is over!"

A Quick Note on That Balloon Thingy

Lifted from Elderly Apple:

Also, in case you don't look much to the right [ed. here it would be to the left], I've joined this game called Balloonacy, in which I lead a balloon (I call mine Carmine the Camel) across the Intertubes! Because I'm not from the UK, I can't win the prize (a trip to Ibiza, but I can at least keep some British bloke from getting it! So! Once the race starts, support me!

Though I don't know how it works. So dang!

And you should support Carmine the Camel! He lost his entire family in a freak accident while visiting the pin factory. Now he's a vagabond! Support him so that he can find a true home during his travels.

Anyway, maybe you just have to click something to support me. Whatever. The race should have started by now, so click there and see what you have to do! It should last a week or so. Let's keep those blimey blokes out of Ibiza!

"Racist!"

An Aside on Fred Thompson

Now, I know next to nothing about this former Presidential candidate and prospective Republican running mate...

But God damn, this picture makes him look evil:
Put some flames and thrones stitched together of human bone behind him, and you got yourself a Grade-A candidate there!

A Tale of a Curious Egg

The Curious Egg - A Tale by Andrew Schnorr

Once upon a time, there was a hardboiled egg (without shell, of course). However, this egg was quite curious. Indeed, it wasn't normal at all. Instead of being milky white in color, it bore a splotchy design of blues, greens, and light purples.

One day, a most worthy and handsome man came across the egg.

"What a curious egg," he said, "Is it of an odd color because there is something wrong with it, or has this egg simply decided that it wishes to be different from the rank and file eggs of this world. If I were to eat this egg, would the taste be as off as the coloring?"

So the dashing man, risking life and limb, bravely took up the egg and placed it within mouth (which had tasted the lips of many maidens throughout the land).

And, eyes closed in anticipation, he bit down, not knowing whether he would live through the night. His pearly-white teeth pierced through the soft flesh of the egg, cutting down straight to its core. There was no turning back now.

Once the top of the curious egg was in his mouth...

"HRYURK!!!"

The virile man recoiled in horror. "Oh, horror of horror!" screamed the horrible man, "This curious egg has become the odd color because it has become a vessel of poison. Woe is me, for now I die!"

But then the valiant man stopped. He was not dead. And he realized that the curious egg did not, indeed, taste like poison. Indeed, it tasted just like a normal egg.

"You know, despite the odd color, the taste of this curious egg is quite good. Indeed, it is a good egg! But there are still unanswered questions. If, for all intents and purposes, this is a normal egg, why would it have a coloring so nonconforming to the standard of eggs?"

...Looking somewhat to the left, the brilliant man saw his answer.

Blueberries! Dozens and dozens of blueberries, sitting within a lunch tray. Sitting within a pool of their own colorful juice.

"Of course! The egg was not oddly-colored under its own free will. It was been placed on top of these juicy, juicy blueberries, and the flesh of the egg absorbed some of that color! What a splendid solution!"

And so, the universally-loved man accepted the curious egg for what it was. He finished eating the egg. It was delicious. And he lived happily ever after!

THEND!

You Know The Internet Has Corrupted You...

When you can see this...




...and turn it into THIS!!!


(Note: No, I didn't just make that today; I've had it for a while. Had I the time to actually make something like that, I would use it to write a real post instead of just filler. Hi-larious filler, but filler nonetheless.)

Big Girls Don't Fry...

Hey! Remember me? I'm still alive, and it looks like my death schedule may be easing up. So, more than likely, by the time you're reading this, I'll still be sleeping (regardless of what time/day it is).

To make up for it, I'm going to give you a fun topic:

Fried foods!

Now, as I mentioned a while back, I get Late Night about once a week. I'm still figuring out what the prime meal - that is, best food with fewest regrets - is.

I'll tell you one thing that's not the prime meal: chicken strips and fries. And I'll extrapolate a bit further and just say it's the chicken strips. I've had chicken strips and fries about twice this semester, and both times I felt a simultaneous desire to throw up and do jumping jacks. Seriously, I can't eat them any more without feeling really sick.

And this is no small task. I'll be honest: this time last year, I'd literally eat chicken strips and fries (with ranch dip) every single day (or at the least, every other day) for lunch. So, this is a pretty sizable turnaround.

So, at this point, I may be past my fried phase (with the ironic exception of fries, though I do eat fewer of them than before).

However!

That does not mean that I don't get a kick out of seeing the world of all things fried. Yes, should you ever go to a county - perhaps even a state - fair, you'll be able to see, amongst the mullets and empty cans of Bud Light, plenty of booths touting vats of gallons and gallons of bubbling oil. And Lord knows, people are willing to try, er, fry anything.

Perchance, have you heard of any of the following?
Fried Snickers
Fried Mars Bar
Fried Ice Cream
Fried Twinkies
Fried Coca-Cola

But why stop there? There's an entire world of edibles just waiting to be covered in batter and boiled in liquid fat!

Take, for example, Frank Sodolak of Snook, Texas. Sir Sodolak is a man's man. He knows the score, and he's not afraid to go the distance to achieve greatness. For him, why settle with just pan-frying your bacon? That will never do! Instead, Sir Sodolak does what any good American does and takes it to the next level...with cream gravy!



(I'm not sure which part I enjoyed more: the fact that the menu has a cigarette ad, the woman who says it needs more salt, or the fact that a troop of boy scouts could fashion tents out of the shirts of any of the people in that video.)

So, that's chicken fried bacon. Now, while we've all cut two years off our life just by watching that video, at least we can rest assured that it doesn't get any worse than that.

.......Right?

Guys?

Oh...

Oh, no!

Oh, GOD!

DEAR GOD, NO!!!

Some Comic Relief...

Garfield is a strange creature.

And no, I am not talking about the cat himself, although it would be a little strange to see a bright orange cat (particularly one that's supposed to be overweight) walking around while speaking with you telepathically.

I'm talking about the comic itself, or at least it's popularity and tremendous money-making ability.

I'll admit, when I was but a lad, I was an Garfield reader. You could even describe me as avid. Every single day, I would eat breakfast, reading my comics, starting with Garfield.

I look back on those days, and I am ashamed.

Now, it's not just Garfield. If you take a good, hard look at it, about 95% of traditional comics are just plain awful, using tired gags and puns (God, puns!) instead of taking us further. Really, there's only a few print comics that I consider - at a mature age - to be good. The first is Calvin & Hobbes, which just goes beyond the realm of humor and into that of imagination and even social issues. The second would be Pearls Before Swine, which mixes simplistic drawings with occasionally dark humor (somewhat like a certain comic we all know and love). The third would be The Far Side for, well, obvious reasons.

With those - and a few more - exceptions, the rest is just drivel. (And in case you think I'm warming up to the webcomic crowd, keep this in mind: there are less than 10 different webcomics that I pay attention to on a regular basis. There are 3568 webcomics registered on the TopWebcomics database [where you can vote on comics daily]. That's about 0.28%. And that's just considering the number of comics registered. There are a sickeningly large amount more out there, and they're all horrid.)

...Where was I?

Right - Garfield! So, yeah, if you look at the collection of comics on the official website, you can see what I mean. The jokes are really lame, and often repetitive. Yes, you could say that a comic that's been around for 30 years is bound to repeat jokes. However, it almost seems repetitive on a monthly (or, to be fair, yearly) basis. Not a good sign. And apparently, the drawings aren't even done by Jim Davis himself. It's just a bunch of people that were hired to create the strip, so that Davis can take care of the merchandising. Sweet deal.

You: "So, Andrew, you're just going to sit here complaining about Garfield?"

Oh, of course not; that's just the introduction. I am actually here to give you some Garfield-based humor!

You: "Zuh?"

You see, there is humor to be found in the humorless. This was the whole idea behind the cult-hit TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000 and it's spiritual successor (of which I am a loyal follower) Rifftrax. (I may talk about them later.) In the comic world, this kind of heckling can be found in things like the Comics Curmudgeon. While not exclusively about Garfield, the Curmudgeon looks at exactly what is wrong with a number of American newspaper comics, and does so in a way that somehow makes them tolerably funny.

But there's even more when it comes to Garfield. By manipulating certain things about it, you can create something new and perhaps even great. It's almost like a Garfield-based culture, primarily made up of people who follow Garfield mainly because they dislike it. There are three examples I'll present.

The first is the Garfield Comic Randomizer. It was created by someone who noted that you can create a comic just as coherent and funny as a normal Garfield strip just by taking three completely random panels and slapping them together. Sometimes (and particularly because you can lock panels to keep them from randomizing) you can create some comics that are genuinely funny for some sick reason. Here's an example of one I made.In this, you can see that Garfield's wonderfully-planned day has just fallen apart because of his inability to keep his guilt at bay, caused primarily by an abusive relationship with his owner (my interpretation). This had me silent laughing for a minute or so. It just worked so perfectly (if you can make any good ones, be sure to post it in the comments).

The second thing I'll show is Garfield Minus Garfield. This was based on an observation that when you remove Garfield from the strip completely, leaving only Jon, it takes on an entirely new level, appearing to be a strip about, and I quote, "a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb."

Here's a few samples, which makes you wonder why we don't have a comic devoted to a schizophrenic main character.


Similar to this idea is that of Realfield, in which the cartoon Garfield is replaced by a realistic-looking (and silent) cat. Unfortunately, there's only a few of those.

Finally, we have Lasagna Cat, which features videos. (In fact, it might be easiest just to go straight to their Youtube page.) Each video is comprised of three parts. The first part is a live-action reenactment of some Garfield strip (reinforcing the point of how lame they are, despite the canned-in laughter). The second part simply shows said strip. Finally, the third part is a music video (or, rather, a "tribute" to Jim Davis) which will usually feature parts of the previous clip shown to some real song. The production values are surprisingly good. And while there is a scant 27 episodes, there are definitely some gems amongst them. Here are a couple of my favorites:




The rest are definitely worth checking out, as well.

And that's about that. Really, I hope you'll forgive me for enjoying Garfield when I was but a lad (because you know you did too, people under 40!). Perhaps by the time my children are reading comics, they will be reading those which use intelligent humor, and which have lofty themes and ideas...

...or that are about schizophrenia. S'all good.

April Fools Day Damage Report (UPDATED!!!)

So, April Fools Day has been over for a couple days now. I think it's safe to come out from your hiding places. I thought it'd be good to go over what I experienced on that most crazy of days.

But first, some background!

I used to hate April Fool's Day until 2002.

HATE it!

The reason for this is pretty straightforward. I've always been the fool. The April fool, as it were. I have memories of my father waking me up when I was a child, telling me in subsequent years that my bird, dog, grandmother, and mother had died during the night!

(Now, I'll be fair; I'm not sure if these memories are accurate - I don't remember very much about my childhood - but they're the only memories I have regarding the topic, so you better sort things out, Dad!)

And yet, despite all my efforts, I could never be the fooler. Imagine, if you will, a 10-year-old Andrew Schnorr walking up to you, saying in his choir boy voice (and this is verbatim):
"Say, how old are you?"
You: "Um, 25."
10-Year-Old Andrew Schnorr: "25? I thought you were 26......April Fools!"

...Had I a time machine, my first order of business would be to go back and slap myself.

Anyway, as I said, I didn't start tolerating April Fool's Day until 2002. The reason for that was because a website that I worked on at the time called UberNintendo.com (later changed to UberGaming.net, which doesn't look like it's been updated in nearly a year) had an April Fool's Day prank in which the entire site was replaced by a background repeating image of Dark Helmet (from Spaceballs) and the entire text (in size-72 font) of a short story called "Repent, Harlequin," Said the Ticktockman, which I consider quite influential to me. The story brought about my creation of the "Temporal Master," which in turn got me started on my Chronicles of Fate storyline, which is (er, will be) seven books plus a prequel. Pretty damn influential, I'd say.

So, yeah, I became okay with April Fool's Day.

However, I would say it's only after I came to college and became more entrenched not just in internet usage, but in internet culture, that I actually came to enjoy the mock-holiday. April Fool's Day is basically the day when all bets are off on the Internet. It allows for much easier and more creative ways of pranking people.

That's not to say pranks should be relegated to the net, though. There's plenty of fun to be had in the real world, especially after I've become better at fooling people. I've also become more aware (that is, paranoid) of any potential pranks that could be pulled on me. And that's key: staying one step ahead of the game.

...Now, let's take a look at some of the things I was involved with this year.

Joke #1 - In the Halls:
So, the first April Fool's Day prank I was involved in actually began one-and-a-half before the day began. It was actually a collaboration betwixt some residents and I. ...Okay, it was their idea; I have to claim limited liability for, y'know, the job's sake. The last thing I want is an angry resident telling the powers-that-be that I'm ruining their life. So, my involvement, although limited, was strategic.

Here's the premise: We chose a resident of mine who is a really nice guy, and also extremely involved (he's actually going to be an RA next year, and he's also campaigning for the ASUC). So, he's not around terribly much. Basically, we wanted him to think something bad had happened. Namely, he got robbed.

So, at least half the floor was in on it. While the resident was out at campaigning rally with one of his roommates, his other roommate was messing up their room, opening drawers, moving stuff around, and - most importantly - removing all three laptops from the room and putting them in someone else's room.

Now, where did I come in? I was the one who set-up the last domino in the rally. After giving my advice on how the "crime scene" should look (based on typical thief habits), I sent a text message out at 10:30pm. It was sent to the resident and his roommate, but I made it seem like a mass text message. Here's what it said:

"Hey everybody! Sorry about the mass text message, but we've gotten reports that there are trespassers in the halls. We haven't caught anybody yet, but we're working on it. In the meantime, remember to lock your doors when you're not in your rooms, and to not let strangers into the halls. Stay safe!"

See? It's mostly just nebulous information coupled with some advice. Pretty believable (especially more believable than the original idea that I should call the resident personally to warn him). And it's good advice to follow anyway, with or without trespassers in the halls.

As fate would have it, the resident arrived at 12:15am (making a legitimate April Fool's Day joke) and found his room messed up. Unfortunately, he thought nothing of it; he's a college student after all. But after his roommate (who I was worried wouldn't be able to keep a straight face) asked where all the laptops were, he became...I guess you could say desperate. But before he could go report it, everyone appeared and showed him how he got prank'd!

He may have had a minute heart attack, but he'll be fine. ;)


Joke #2 - On The Lobotomist's Dream:
So, as some of you may remember, last year my April Fool's Day activity on TLD was my coming out of the closet. Of course, it was promptly changed the next day, adding a single - yet vital - word to it, so as to avoid any confusion.

I wanted to be a bit more all-encompassing this time, something a little less in-jokey. And, truth be told, I had thought this idea up last November. So it wasn't just a spur-of-the-moment thing. Basically, I thought to myself, "What if this blog was actually about Lobotomy?" And the rest fleshed itself out quite well.

You can read the post a little below this one (or just click here). However, you're still reading that with about 20 of my faces staring at you. Hence, I recommend you read it the way it was meant to be read, and that means going to the Alternate Lobotomist's Dream. (I apologize for the funky formatting; even though the Google Page Creator is cool, they don't allow you to control the base HTML of the pages.)

The most tedious part of this was making it so you couldn't see any of my other posts. On Blogger, you can do this by saving them, one by one, as drafts. Do that 230+ times (and again to publish them again) and you have yourself some grade-A frustration. The rest was relatively straightforward, and quite fun.

Some fun facts:
-The picture of "Dr. Frank Corlin" is actually some random doctor that got arrested for buying sex with pain medication (or, um, selling pain medication for sex; whatever, it's all bartering). I found it on, like, page 26 of an image search of "old doctor".
-I actually learned quite a bit about Lobotomy when researching for the joke.
-I don't know if you can tell, but there are several places that I would have used italics that Doc C used bold. I don't know, using bold for emphasis just seems like an old-person thing to do.
-I'm not sure, but someone may have actually thought it was legit. Look at this one comment I got:

It's an interesting argument..."why alter all of the brain when you can create an effect with a localized solution." I think that actually has merit.
I suggest you pursue this argument in your defense and compare the two with brutal honesty.
Bravo

Now, this could have been someone I know continuing the joke (how could I tell; it's anonymous). However, if it was someone who did think I was for real, then that made my week! :D And perhaps I (or Doc C) will end up writing an argument to this extent.

THE JOKE'S ON ME 1: Okay, this is a little aside for things that happened that, while pulled by nobody in particular, came back to bite me in the butt. I kept my Alternate TLD up for two days. Why? Because I thought that nearly nobody had seen it on April Fool's Day. Why would I think something like that? Well, look at my Analytics report on visitors.
That's, like, a 98% drop in readership. I was livid! Why would people abandon me on Fun Day? It wasn't until I got the site back in normal working order that I realized the truth: when I switched the format of the site, I inadvertently deleted the Analytics measuring tool.

...*Facepalm*


Joke #3 - On Elderly Apple:
Oftentimes, comics (both the traditional and web- variety) will do something crazy for April Fool's Day. However, Elderly Apple's a tough nut to crack. How exactly does one do a "crazy" comic when the whole goddamn series is just one big non-sequitur?

So, I decided I should change my medium. Instead of my normal marker/colored pencil combo, I went with Photoshop painting and a picture (a real picture!) of an apple (you have to stay true to your roots, dawg).

But, even as whimsical as EA usually is, there is some logic to the madness. I decided to throw that out the window, though, when I created WAAAAAAAHHH!!!

There's three instances of the word "WAAAAAAAHHH!!!" that I put in the comic; one in the picture itself, one in the picture's title (which you see by holding your cursor over the image on the main page; if you never knew about that, you're missing out on some of the better jokes), and of course, in my comment.

(P.S. If you have a good memory, you may remember me using a similar phrase before...)

Interestingly enough, an enlarged version of this comic is my current desktop background.


Not My Joke #1 - Youtube:
I probably got Rickrolled a dozen times on April Fool's Day.

What's that, you've never been Rickrolled? Here, let me assist you. Enjoy.

In case you didn't know, that was Rick Astley singing his hit 1987 song "Never Gonna Give You Up." As far as internet "trap" pranks, this is probably safest, cleanest, most wholesome of them all (and trust me, you don't want to know about the others). Basically, you set up an unrelated link that tricks people into watching Astley's soulful performance.

So, Youtube decided to pick up on this. On April 1st, every single one of the videos on their front page went to a video of "Never Gonna Give You Up." They even had created an entire profile for it.

Good fun. Except now I have a cheesy 80s song stuck in my head. The horror.

Not My Joke #2 - Google + Virgin = Virgle:
Google is always decent with their jokes, but I really have to hand it to them for their work this year in creating a much broader, more interactive prank. As always, it was simple; when you went onto Google, you saw a little link for something called Virgle, which is a cooperative effort between them and fellow giant company, Virgin. To do what, exactly? Well, to colonize Mars!

You know what, it's too involved for me to explain. Here, just go read it yourself. Go on. I can wait.

Finished reading? Good. Now, if you went through the whole thing, you'll be able to see that there were introduction videos by the co-founders of Google and Richard Branson. Now, I really like Richard Branson; always have. However, the Google boys (especially the gray-haired one) desperately need to work on their public speaking abilitities.

Now, you'll also see that you could send in a 30-second video response as a sort of "application" to become a Virgle pioneer. Now, there were 300+ videos responding to this. Half of them were well over 30 seconds, and about 85% of them were either totally crappy or the people didn't seem to understand that the whole thing was a joke. I decided to join along. Here's my entry.



(Oh, and here's a copy of that flag.) The hope was that I would get a "At least he's honest" acceptance into the program.

THE JOKE'S ON ME 2: Unfortunately, things didn't go as smoothly as planned. For some reason (and I still cannot figure out why), there was some technical problem preventing my video from being used as a reply to theirs. So I went through all that work, blood, sweat, toil, and heartache for nothing except a 3-star rating from some random jerk (I would have given it a 4, personally).


Okay, that's all. This is by no means the full extent of all that occurred on April Fool's Day, but it is a healthy sampling. And to think that I used to hate this holiday, an opportunity to have so much fun...shameful. In any event, I hope you enjoyed your April Fool's Day shenanigans. From Doc C and all of us here, take care and God Bless.

Pre-Midterm Anecdote

I have a midterm tomorrow, so I'll be brief, but I wanted to share a funny little story.

There's been a little bit of tension betwixt Hall Staff (that is, RA's) and this semester's Hall Association (the residence hall student government, also known as Hall Ass). You see, last week we found out that they had cut our hall budgets by 25%. That's quite a drop. Why? Well, they said they didn't think the RAs were "doing enough." Of course, they have plans for that money. Oh yes: they want to buy an air hockey table and put it in Cunningham Hall (the building that most of them come from).

-Aside-
Now, I have always been diametrically opposed to Hall Ass. For the past three years, I have tried to get them disbanded. Since becoming an RA, I've become more vocal. Hall Ass is supposed to be an organization dedicated to the representation of students in the residence halls. However, as things are right now, they are a waste...a waste...of resources. The only things they do are really lame, infrequent programs (for example, they only have one program planned this semester, and it's a goddamn movie night. I - or probably any RA - could do a movie night in their sleep), and they approve our budgets for programs. Seriously, that's all they effectively do.

Why do we need that? Personally, I feel the Resident Directors should approve program budgets. After all, they have a better idea of how much these things have cost in the past. Plus, they're our main authority, so they are who we should listen to. (Do note my preference for a more autocratic system here.)

I have heard stories of certain, exceptional Hall Asses who have put on excellent program. But that's all they are to me. Stories. And they're certainly not the norm. In my experience, Hall Ass exists for Hall Ass's sake. It's made up by a bunch of people who just want to pad their resumes but can't pass muster for the ASUC (which, incidentally, I also want to disband and replace with a less bureaucratic solution). They don't know what they're doing. And yet, without any sort of real training or experience, they get do determine what we have the capacity to do.
-End Aside-

So, anyway, learning that our budget was cut riled up a bunch of people. Not so much myself. My views on them were already well-established, as you can see. However, the powers-that-be wanted to make it so that Hall Ass and the RAs could better acquaint and learn about what kinds of programs we were all planning.

So, we had a little Sushi/fruit & veggie/cookie party thingamajig. Since it was during the usual RA meeting time, we were required to go. Hall Ass was simply invited. And a good number came. We were split up into little groups made up of both sides and were simply requested to "chat." (We also had a large "announcement of programs" time; interestingly, in the next two weeks, RAs have about half-a-dozen programs, and Hall Ass has their movie night.)

Anyway, I had my notebook with me, and it was open through the early part of the chatting. Now, what I hadn't realized was that I had last week's notes plainly visible to anyone who made the effort to look.

If you haven't already, direct your attention to the upper right corner.

Yessir, nothing to promote bonding betwixt RAs and Hall Ass than a portrayal of them as some monstrous money-grubbers. Nobody mentioned it, probably because nobody actually did make said effort to look at my notebook, but if they did, I would have defended it.

Still, this was a diplomatic shindig, so I discreetly closed the notebook.

A Brawling Good Time

So, last night I picked up a copy of Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Wii, which I'm sure is going to be the system's star title.

And you should be grateful that instead of playing it, I'm taking the time to tell you that I'm going to be playing it.

The game was released at Gamestop at midnight, but in the two hours prior to that, there was a small tournament, which is apparently part of a much larger, nation-wide tournament (touted as the largest ever; a likely claim).

32 contestants (including myself and two of my residents) participated. The tournament was set up with the initial starting characters (that is, no hidden unlockable characters), and we each had a minute to beat our opponent.

Included in the cast of players was this fellow whose a local legend; a guy from Unit 1 who basically is supposed to best in Berkeley. He is, without question, a total douchebag. He is extremely arrogant, condescending, and belittling of all things he doesn't consider "competitive." He even announced during the tournament that "This tournament is lame. There will be another one tomorrow that'll be more competitive and better." Meaning, the game will be stripped of anything that makes it random (that is, anything that makes it fun). He is my antithesis when it comes to this game. I play for the pleasure derived from playing. He plays only to win. Actually, I'm sure if you went into it, he plays only to beat people. One of my main hopes was that he lost.

Originally, I was intending on playing a character called Ike, but them about a quarter of the people chose him. Not being one to follow the crowd, I decided to pick a completely unique character called Olimar. Now, Olimar plays vastly different from all other characters in the game (it would be too tricky to explain all the ways). Apparently, he's good, but just really hard to use. And he's never appeared in any of these games before. And we were playing with a completely unfamiliar control scheme.

So basically, I had no idea in Hell what I was doing.

Combine that with my already average (perhaps slightly above average) playing ability, and I figured my choice was as good as a concession.

Yet - somehow - I made it into the top 8, surpassing my residents (who I consider better than me) and that jerkish tournament player (who did nothing but complain after he lost in the second round).

I was eventually beaten, because I was a little too slow, but I had fun. And you know what? That's what the point of a game is.

(Oh, and just so you know, the winner moved on to the regional championship, and also got this absolutely hideous trophy).

So that's what I did.

Now, off to play some Brawl!

The Best Thing Anyone Said Yesterday

Yesterday was a full and productive day. It was also somewhat long and a tad pricy, seeing as I spent near 3 hours and $30 getting to Pleasanton and back. Still, it was good. My interview went excellently (it's easy, given the mainstream media ideas we have of Donald Trump and the like, to forget that Corporate people can be really nice and down-to-earth; howver, they really are), my midterm went excellently, and the program I spoke at went well enough (I was filling in as a Haas "adviser" for a major faire. For not being an adviser, I'm a damn good adviser).

The best moment, though, was by far this short and sweet conversation.

Me: "So, yeah, one of the things I've done in my diet is give up mammal meat."
Her: "Oh, so you're a pescetarian."
Me: "No, I'm Catholic."

Don't ask me why, but saying that totally made my day.

And I Don't Even *Eat* Cereal Anymore!

Before I begin, a few pieces of good news:

1. I just got an acceptance letter yesterday for the UC Berkeley Undergraduate Marketing Association Creative Committee. Pretty much makes up for that other thing I didn't get into (which, by the way, I heard is having a little trouble).

2. After scrapping my crappy old resume and drafting a whole new one, I brought it to a resume critique workshop in preparation for and internship fair occurring today and tomorrow. With the exception of a few location issues, they said it was solid all around. Score!

3. A resident of mine who applied to be an RA got the position! Which is doubly impressive because apparently this year, 2/3 of the staff are returners (it was about 30-40% when I was applying), and so acceptances were low, even for perfectly qualified people. In fact, out of 250 people who were interviewed, only 37 got the job. So I am very happy for him (especially since I feel I had some hand in it. :P)

Okay, now with that out of the way, I wanted to bring up something fun that I saw the other day. While looking for pictures of cereal boxes to help me with my consumer behavior group project (see, it relates to the good news somewhat), I stumbled across this little website.

For those too lazy to click that link, it's for some old PBS Kids website called "Don't Buy It" which, though it apparently hasn't been updated in four years, teaches kids to be smart consumers and question what they see on advertisements and such (in effect, it's trying to foil my plans). Among other things, it talks about where the money you pay for products goes to, as well as how buying designer clothes is a waste of money.

(Quick aside: I was just at an Urban Outfitters the other day. I would really, really like to buy their shirts if they weren't thirty-frickin'-dollars!)

Wait, didn't I say I found this while looking for cereal boxes?

Well, yes. You see, when you type "cereal box" into Google, the second thing to come up is a little game on the PBS site where you can design your own cereal box, complete with color, box character, name, claim, prize, and...um, that's t. Truth be told, there's not that much variety, as each of those categories only has 3 or 4 options (with the exception of the name category, which apparently doesn't have a word filter. For shame, PBS!).

However, it's still possible to make something awesome out it. So, without further ado, here's Andrew Schnorr's custom cereal:
While I won't mention that the cereal the little critter is holding is obviously not the cereal that you actually get, I will mention that I think this might be the single most brilliant title for a cereal EVER!

Think about it.

The ads would be awesome.

And think about the scene inside grocery stores when kids ask for it.

Sheer beauty.

Well, that's all for me. Wish me luck at the internship fair!

Character Biography: Akker

Y'know, being in my little Star Wars class has kind of rekindled an old character idea I had. A Star Wars character, to be exact. So I've been putting some more thought into the character, and for all I know, I may even use a story involving him as my final project for the class.

So, I thought I'd put down my info on the character, almost as much for my own future reference than for anyone else. Hopefully you'll find it interesting enough. (If you don't recognize any term, chances are you'll find a description at this website.)

So let's get started:

Name: Akker
Species: Iridorian
Gender: Male
Height: 1.70 meters (Approx. 5'7")
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Slate Gray
Era: Old Republic Era
Affiliations: Iridorian Empire (Exiled); Jedi Order (Exiled)

Now, I'll do a little bit of explaining. You'll notice that I said that this fellow's species is Iridorian. What the hell is an Iridorian? Well, to put it bluntly, it is one of the most obscure species ever. In fact they were only mentioned once in the whole of all the movies, games, books, comics, etc, and that was in Knights of the Old Republic. Here's the article about them (on the near-disturbingly comprehensive Star Wars Wiki). There's not much information about them, save for that they are a bloodthirsty warrior people. We also don't know what they look like, seeing as the only one ever seen is wearing a suit. So, I took some liberties when creating my guy.

Now, as far as the name "Akker"...well, I like the name. It actually comes from one of my Magic: The Gathering acquaintances named Charles Hacker. Which I always thought was an awesome name. (So did everyone else, apparently; ever team he was on unanimously chose to be called "Team Hacker".) It seems like a very direct name. Short. Punchy. To the point. Kind of like the character.

Now, as far as showing you what he looks like, I used what may be one of my best tools; the City of Heroes/Villains character creator. You may remember my showing this off a bit when I was talking about Solomon Dusk. Well, this time I had a specific character I was setting out to create, so I went about the process a wee bit differently. There are a few things that are a bit off, but overall, this is what the character looks like:
Ha! Bet you weren't expecting someone who looks like that! I...oh, you were? Well...still! Anyway, in the final version of the character, there would be a few changes I would make. For example, his kilt/battle skirt would end a little more north of the knee (it'll make more sense once you get a better idea of his personality). But, for all the limitations of the character creator (which is still considered the best in the industry), it works well. Now, Let's get a better look at him, so you can see what makes a Iridorian an Iridorian and not a pure human.
Okay, so there's not much that separates him from being human. That's why the Iridorians would be classified as "near-humans". However, there are a couple of differences, some of which I couldn't take any pictures of. First, the ears are pointer, similar to elves or Vulcans. Second, there are small, dark, bony spikes protruding from his shoulders. These are indeed part of his skeletal structure (his bones are dark, by the way, as is his blood). Now, some of the things you can't see: his fingers are sharper, more claw-like than a a humans. Second, his teeth are sharper than a human's. I couldn't show this in the game, because there is only one face that shows teeth (that doesn't look psychotic) and it's this really dorky smile that doesn't fit the character. So use your imagination.

History
So, now a little character history. So, this takes place somewhere around 1,600 years before the events of the first movie (the one with Mark Hamill). I chose that time because there's no major plots that occur around that time, and so it's easy to work around. Now, around this time, some random Jedi intercepted a small pod/ship that was drifting aimlessly through space. Inside they found a little baby with a strange mark around his left eye. The baby was presented to the Jedi Council, who sensed in it great potential in the Force. They decided to raise the baby as a Jedi. So it went for many years.

Then, when Akker was, oh, 16-19 or so, he was sparring with his master, the Jedi Master Kuala Lumpur (that's a placeholder name, but seeing as most SW characters have kooky names anyway, it doesn't matter much). They were both fighting with their lightsabers, and Akker was getting more and more into it; his Iridorian instinct was building up. He was getting a little too bloodthirsty, and ended up striking down and killing his master. When he finally regained his sense of normality, Akker realized that his career as a Jedi was over because 1)He had struck down his master, a high-ranking Jedi whom he had respected and loved all his life and 2)he enjoyed doing it. So, he sent himself into exile, but not before retrieving his master's lightsaber crystal (which I'll get to in a minute).

When in this exile, he decided to put his power to use, working as both a prize fighter and a mercenary of sorts. He never took the money he won in the prize fighting (for him, the combat was the prize itself); instead, it went to his friend, Paul (again, placeholder name). Paul was a traveling merchant, mainly of exotic food and alcohol. Akker, being a fan of both, joined with Paul, and the two would travel from planet to planet, going to all the main events. Eventually, they earned enough money to open a bar on the planet Ramalamadingdong (again, placehol...yeah, you get the drill). Akker lives in a room on the upper floor of the bar, and the place is also set up to host small-time fights.

There, that's Akker in a fighter pose.

Personality
Now, let's take a short detour into personality. Akker is a very complicated character personality-wise. He's definitely not a good guy, but he's not totally evil. (On a side note, the character would be an interesting note in the nature vs. nurture debate.)

We'll start with the bad. I like to say that Akker embodies the seven deadly sins. However, he really only embodies four-and-a-half of them. Let's look at what doesn't match.
Envy - Akker enjoys his life too much to envy anyone else.
Greed - Akker has absolutely no desire for money. He never gets payed with money, and if he does get any, he gives it to Paul. How does he pay for things then, you ask. Well...he doesn't. He just takes what he needs. What is anyone going to do? Call some sort of law enforcement? He would actually enjoy that, as it would give him a fight.
Wrath - This is the "half" one, and it may seem a little surprising. After all, isn't this guy a bloodthirsty killer? Well, yes, he can be, but I'm looking at motives here. Even though he is technically on the "dark side" of the Force, he doesn't believe in anger or hatred. He only believes in happiness. Granted, that happiness may not always be based in the best things, but he has a deep feeling of respect for every person he fights and kills. So, he's not much of a wrathful person.
Now, let's see what he does embody:
Pride - And he's not afraid to show it. Akker loves himself, everything about himself. A mirror is his constant companion, and he loves posing and showing off.See?
Lust - And we're not just talking about the "blood" variety here. Remember when I said that Akker doesn't accept money as payment for anything? Well, then, how is he reimbursed for his mercenary exploits. Well...let's just say he prefers his clientèle to be of the female persuasion. Use your imagination.
Gluttony - Pretty basic; Akker loves his food and (especially) his drink. That's one of the reasons he decided to join up with Paul and live at a bar.
Sloth - Despite his Jedi training and his killer instinct, Akker often enjoys lounging around when there's work to be done.

Now, he's not all bad. He just has a kinda-skewed sense of honor. On the good side, he honestly cares about those he considers his friends, and will help out when they are in need. He also maintains some of the discipline he learned in his time with the Jedi. Although he will fight and kill anyone who even thinks of threatening him, he will not fight someone who cannot adequately defend themselves (children, the weak, the elderly, pacifists, etc.). In fact, not only will he not attack those people, he will fight off anyone who does. Akker is also very direct, and always speaks his mind. Dishonesty is never an issue with him. And, as I explained earlier, he is a very positive, optimistic person, always looking on the bright side of things. I suppose you could say that he is very hedonistic. No, not my kind of hedonism; but rather the more traditional definition.

History (Part 2)
Now, Akker continues on this path for the next 10-15 or so years, until one day, some Jedi come onto Ramalamadingdong for an unrelated assignment. One of them happens to be a female Jedi named Jedina. When Akker sees her, he immediately falls in love (much to the mocking of all his friends), and he tries to woo her. Eventually, she begins to develop feelings for him (he really is doting upon her, so he's ignoring all the other ladies he encounters). Fearing these feelings, she reveals this to the Jedi Council, who become shocked at hearing that Akker is still alive. They summon him, tell him to stop corrupting Jedina, and then ask him to help them. As fate would have it, the Iridorians are invading a planet in the Republic.

Eventually, Akker agrees, seeing as his fellow Iridorians would be a worthy fight. Upon meeting them, he notices something interesting: all the Iridorians are significantly larger than him. He then learns that he was actually an outcast, because as a baby, he was deemed to small and weak to fit into the Iridorian soceity. Hence, he was given the mark of prey (the symbol on his eye) and sent on a small ship to parts unknown, where he would either die as a baby or grow into a target for "real" Iridorians to hunt down. And so they did try to hunt him down. And they failed. And were killed. Eventually, the Iridorian threat was extinguished.

However, not everything was going in Akker's favor. Another Jedi, John Paul II, was secretly in love with Jedina (his friend since childhood), and seeing her fall for Akker was too much for him. He eventually, gave into his rage and turned to the dark side so he could get his revenge on Akker. In a somewhat epic battle, Akker eventually kills John Paul II. This sparks a rift within the Jedi Order that leaves many Jedi dead. Filled with grief, Jedina decides that she needs to kill Akker to end it all, even though she knows he's like, 10 times stronger than most of the Jedi there. Akker reluctantly obliges her, but before he attacks, he turns off his lightsaber, allowing Jedina to strike him down (effectively sparing her life). As he had told his friend Paul earlier, "She's the only one to have defeated me. It's time to make it official." And so, his story comes to an end.

Powers, Abilities, and Weapons
Akker is extremely powerful in the Force, probably more-so than any other being living in the same time period. However, he relies more on his own physical stength and killer instinct most of the time, relying on the Force only when those things don't work out. He has a few different abilities he uses.
Telekinesis - Probably his most-used skill, mainly so he can multitask. He's capable of manipulating many things at once, moving immense objects, and performing intricate tasks. He is also able to wield his lightsaber telekinetically, a useful ability in situations where his arms are unavailable.
Force Dissolution - I completely made that name up, because I don't think this idea has been used before. Basically, this is an extension of Akker's telekinesis; it's so acute and focused that he can literally rip molecules apart, turning whatever object (or enemy) he is focusing on into a pile of goop. Particularly useful if they're using a lightsaber-proof armor; you can bypass the armor altogether and dissolve the person.
Mind Protection - Akker doesn't like his mind being read (he prefers people just ask) and so he protects it as best he can. This isn't really a power, though; he just keeps the forefront of his mind preoccupied with unrelated thoughts (often lewd images, so as to repel the mind reader).

Akker has other traditional powers as well, but chooses not to use them. Now, let's talk about weapons. Really, he only has one: his lightsaber. Now, remember when I said earlier that he retrieved his master's lightsaber crystal before going into exile? Well, that's because it's a special, unique crystal...a black crystal. Which gives him...a black lightsaber.

(That's photoshopped, by the way.)

Now, I'm not even going to try to explain the physics that make this thing work. It's honestly not that important, and anything would just be made up (i.e. the Flaborkins discovered a way to make goobajoob reverse polarity...see how easy it is?). What's important is that it does work. Now, you may have notices that instead of emanating light, this thing actually emits shadow. Here's a picture that you can see this even more clearly on.
This really means nothing. There's no symbolic meaning to it, it's not an evil lightsaber, and it's not a black hole or anything. It's a purely aesthetic choice. What is a functional difference, though, is that the black lightsaber has a unique property. When you turn it on, the lightsaber is fairly weak in power. However, the longer you right, the more powerful it gets. Why? Well, in the movies, you always see the Jedi deflecting blaster shots with their lightsabers. Akker's lightsaber, though, doesn't deflect blaster fire; it absorbs it. In doing so, it gains more energy and becomes stronger. Same deal when he's in a lightsaber duel; every time the blades clash, Akker's absorbs a little bit of energy from the opponent's. Eventually, Akker's lightsaber will overpower the opponent's. However, it always runs the risk of gaining too much energy; that's why someone strong in the Force needs to control it, or else it may just self-destruct, destroying the black crystal forever.

Whew!

That's all I have to say about Akker for right now. As you can see, I have him fleshed out reasonably well. So, like I said, I may be able to do something with him for my little final project. My thoughts are either on some sort of short story involving him (alongside with a full-on biography similar to what's presented above) or, if I can find someone willing an able, a short comic (which would be awesomer than awesome).

In the meantime, anybody have any questions, comments, or suggestions about the character?

Because if There's Anything That Matters in Our Society, it's Rankings

On the social networking site Facebook, there's this application that allows you to "compare" yourself to your friends.

This works (to the best of my understanding): You install this application on your profile. You're then put into this database with all your friends. At that point, the program will then present you with 30 comparison questions. You'll be shown two of your friends, and it will say "Who is sexier?" or "Who makes a better sandwich?" or something to that effect. You then choose one of the two people. You can also skip the question if you don't feel you have any good input.

Now, it's quite an imperfect system. Oftentimes, I have to vote for people who I really can't compare, or people who I'm "friends" with, but I don't really know very well. Now, I personally end up clicking "Skip" most of the time, but I'll bet that a lot of people don't, and so I'm sure the results are skewed somewhat.

Regardless of that, the application still likes to let you know how you compare to your friends.

Like, a while ago, I got an email that said that "one or more people" thought that I had "better hair" than my old high school classmate Chris Ramirez. Why they would waste an email telling me this, I don't know.

But today, I got a second, more thorough email, which was nice enough to tell me my ranking amongst many friends.

Apparently my strengths (and the rankings associated with them) are:
#1 most generous
#20 best father (potential)
#21 most helpful

Hey, looka there! Number one on something! But of course, not everything about me is great, so let's take a look at some of my weaknesses:
#113 most reliable
#118 nicest

Now, personally, I think some of these are conflicting. For example, how can I be so generous, yet so not nice?

Apparently, I can sign in to see all of my rankings. I'd actually be interested in seeing them, for kicks, but unfortunately, every time I try to sign in, the page just says "Loading, Please Wait" and nothing ever loads.

Takeaway Point:
I would be a very good father, as I would be very willing to help my kids out with their homework, pinewood derby, etc., and I would be very generous in giving them 9and my wife) what they need. Actually, though, I'd only promise them these things, and fail to deliver (since I'm so unreliable). And when I did deliver, I'd be a real real bitch about it. I'm sure a family psychologist would have a field day with me.

...Oh, and I'd still have better hair than Chris Ramirez.

All About the Super Bowl!!!

Just kidding. ^_^

I didn't even know who was playing in the Superbowl until the New York Times emailed me a "breaking news bulletin" announcing the winner.

So, rest assured, this will not be about the Superbowl.

Maybe, after I watch some collection of all the commercials, I'll write something about that. But as for the sport, I had absolutely no interest in it. Sorry, Patriots and Giants fans (if any).

However, seeing as I'm about to start my third week of school, it may seem logical to talk about what classes I'm taking this semester. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!

I'll start off by saying that I tried to give myself a less intense semester this time around, mainly because I'm going to be looking for summer internships this semester (soon this semester) and I'd also like to take part in a business case competition or two. Don't worry, I'm not in any danger of falling behind in my unit count. In order to have enough units to graduate, I need to take 27 total units over the next three semesters. However, in order to remain a full-time student, I need to take 39 anyway. So, I'll be A-OK.

I also tried to schedule my classes to begin relatively later in the day (that is to say, not at 8am and 9:30 everyday). And I think I was relatively successful in doing so. My "First-Class-Time" schedule throughout the week is
12:30-11:00-12:30-11:00-10:00

Now, while you may think this makes me look like the laziest bum alive, I think I can redeem myself my noting that my wake-up time throughout the week looks like this:
8:00-8:00-8:00-8:00-8:00

One of the reasons for this is because I'm currently on a new (and, so far, successful) diet and exercise regime.

(Quick aside: It irks me when people say, "Oh, you shouldn't do diet and exercise. You should do a change of lifestyle." What the hell does that mean? Seriously, the only difference between a diet and a "change of lifestyle" is how long you can keep it up. Plus, "change of lifestyle" sounds so new-age and pretentious. That is why I refuse to call it that.)

Anyhoo, I'm waking up at 8am every day so that I can go to our exercise room for 30 minutes of a high-intensity elliptical workout. No, it's not as satisfying as being able to type on my laptop when I was back at home, but the handlebars aren't positioned correctly, and I don't have as much time (especially when there are other people waiting). What I end up doing is downloading movies (nature documentaries, to be exact) to my iPod and watch them on a tiny little screen. Not very satisfying, but it gets the job done.

The rest of my morning time is spent taking a shower, checking out the Internet, and getting anything that needs to get done, done. Then off to class. And what are my classes? Well, let's take a look!

UGBA 101B - Macroeconomics
A required class. A lot of people in the economics department like to say "Macro makes up about 20% of economics, but it takes up 50% of economics lessons." That's seems so true. And it often seems as though it's less relevant and interesting to what I'm going to be doing than Microeconomics. However, the professor is very enthusiatic, so I appreciate that. It should keep me awake.

And, yes, there is a lot of talk about the current state of affairs in the country and the world. So it's relevant in that sense. So it's got that going for it. Overall, it seems like it's going to be okay.

UGBA 102B - Managerial Accounting
Another required class. As a recap, I hated financial accounting last semester. I did fine in it, but gah! is it boring and tedious and...blah. Well, managerial accounting seems like its more relevant to my purposes than financial accounting. You see, what financial accounting boils down to is the annual report for a company; the balance sheet, the income statement, etc. Lots of journal entries, lots of tedium, lots of ech. Managerial accounting, on the other hand, is about the internal accounting aspects; that is, seeing if certain practices are cost effective. And it has a lot less in the way of journal entries. So far, it's looking much better than financial accounting.

But still: Accounting. -_-

UGBA 160 - Consumer Behavior
Not a required class. This is, of course, related to my marketing focus, and I can tell you already, it's fascinating. The professor has some sort of experiment each session, where we learn about some new aspect about consumer behavior.

For example, did you know that in a blind taste test, the majority of people preferred the taste of tap water to bottled? Yet when people knew what they were drinking, the results skewed heavily toward the bottled water. It's all perception, doncha know.

A funnier thing is that my professor said in class, "Before this water experiment was carried out, many of the test subjects said that they could tell the difference between tap and bottled water, and preferred the bottled, yet when they took part in the blind test, they preferred the tap." What's funny is that when I was describing this experiment to one of my co-workers (also at Haas) he told me, "Oh, I can tell the difference between bottled and tap water." And when I tried to tell him that he likely couldn't he insisted he could. It's weird; we've been trained to "know" the difference when there isn't any real difference to be known!

UGBA 96 - Personal Finance
Another non-required class. Hell, I'm not even getting any credit for it one way or another. Why am I taking it, then? Simple: life skills. I've been told that classes such as a personal finance class are ones which many people which they had been able to take in college. And the opportunity is now presenting itself. So, I think it will be useful for me in the long run to take this class. Plus, of the three different lecturers, I've already had two of them, and I have a good relationship with them both. So it shouldn't be bad.

Classics 198 - The Star Wars Galaxy
"What the hell?"

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that this was your first thought when you read that title. Here I have four different business classes and then one on Star Wars? Well, I think I needed to balance out all that serious stuff with something fun. So, I decided to take a DeCal. A DeCal, for those not in the know, stands for "Democratic Education at Cal". It's basically a class in which a student facilitator teaches other students. If you think that's a stupid idea...well, you're wrong. After all, this blog was the product of a DeCal. Show some respect, whippersnapper!

Anyway, I did a lot of preparation in choosing which DeCal I would take. There were 80 or so of them, but I weeded them down according to my own availability in the early evening (when the majority take place) and general interest. In the end, I narrowed the selection down to the Star Wars one and one about Lewis Carroll. I do have a genuine interest in reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, because the wordplay in them is very intriguing. However, a class about Star Wars, regardless of how academically useless it was, just seemed fun!

I did have some reservations, though. I was worried - honestly worried - that the class was going to be filled with socially awkward nerds who could finish a sentence without stuttering.
Nerd Voice: "N,no...that's...that's not what Darth...Plagueis would have said. He...he would have been...he would have been more patient."
And so on and so forth. And before you try to tell me I'm generalizing, I know at least two guys just like this. You know, the kind of acquaintance you feel awkward around. And I was seriously concerned that one or both would be in the class.

However, everyone seemed to be fairly normal. Well, there were some eccentric ones, but they were actually quite sociable, so that's a good balance, I think.

And, as an interesting note, I found out two days later that my facilitator is actually a resident in my building. I've probably seen him before, but just never paid him any mind. However, this puts us in a very interesting position. I don't plan on being in a situation where I don't pass the class, but even if I was, I could just tell him, "Fail me, eh? That sounds to me like a case of failure to comply with hall staff. ID, please."

(Oh, funny story: Notice that the class is Classics 198. Well, in order to get the class approved, the facilitator had to make a proposal to the department chair as to how the class was related to the subject. He admitted that his reasoning was a bit of a stretch: "Well, Rome used to be a republic and then became an empire, just like the Galactic Republic." Apparently, it worked.)


So anyway, that's my Superbowl school year primer. Any questions?

Updates on Some Old Posts

First

Remember that awesome picture that I thought would be perfect for a back tattoo?

Well, I got it half right.Truthfully, it makes even less sense now as to what it is supposed to be.


Second

Remember when I showed you my RA meeting notes that come out of nearly an hour of bickering?

Well, there was not much bickering during this last meeting, so my notes weren't as comprehensive, but there still were some parts slow enough to get my work done. Including some patented "Whimsical-Creep" style!NOTE: That little stick figure that says "me" - and appears to have some extra appendages - was not, in fact, drawn by me, but by someone else who refers to himself as "me"...and can't draw.


Third

Remember how I wrote about that Finnish cello rock band, Apocalyptica, a while back?

Probably not, because none of you paid it any attention.

However! Here's a little game for 11 cookie points (and just like in Whose Line is it Anyway?, points mean absolutely nothing):

Can you name the song that is being covered here? My hints are as follows: 1. It is a fairly well known song by a fairly well-known band. That is to say, it's not obscure. 2. I've never had this song in any way, shape, or form on TLD before, so don't bother searching for any clues here.

My One Year Anniversay: An Announcement!

As I explained in detail yesterday, today is the one-year anniversary of The Lobotomist's Dream.

So!

In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to announce the creation of....

(Drumroll please...)

Elderly Apple!!!

.........Wait, what?

Well, Elderly Apple is a new project I'm taking on. It's a webcomic. Well, kinda. I guess you could define it more as a web experiment, because mainly, I'm not sure exactly how it's going to turn out. Well, I guess you could also call it an experimental webcomic. But let's not get hooked on semantics.

So the history behind this goes back quite a ways. Years, probably. For a long time now, I've wanted to make a webcomic of some sorts. However, I've never done it. Why not? Well you see, there are a few problems associated with starting your own traditional webcomic. In no particular order, here are some of them:
1. You need to update on a fairly regular basis.
2. If you're doing a normal-style webcomic, you need to think of a good (enough) joke for each of those updates.
3. Not only do you need writing, but unless you're really lucky or good, you also need new artwork.
4. Not only do you always need fresh artwork, you need it for each panel of your comic.
5. You need some sort of angle. And sorry, having two room/house-mates, one bitter and cynical while the other lovable-yet-dumb, has already been done. Many, many times.
6. Seriously, you really need a new angle. Speaking in UGBA 100 (Business Communication) talk, there is too much noise in the channel. If I just do a normal three-panel comic, what will make it special?

In short, the solution is to NOT make a traditional webcomic. It'd be all too much work, and unless I became infinitely better at both art and punctuality, it would be doomed for failure. If you're going to do something and have it stand out, it's got to be something completely different. It has to be a sort of niche comic that can't really be considered a derivative of anything else.

So, I had that stored away in the filing cabinet in the back of my head for a while now.

Then the holiday cards happened.

As I explained in that post, I am known in my workplace for my weird, random drawings that doing really seem to have any point. They're pretty popular with most people. They're unique. They're occasionally funny, and...hey now! That just may work!

And so, the gearwork for Elderly Apple was set into motion. I decided to use Blogger as my host, mainly because I know my way around it, and I've seen a couple other webcomics use it. So, I've been working in (mostly) secret for the past three weeks or so, setting up the site, getting the domain name, getting the feeling right, all that good stuff. And now it's ready, I feel.

Elderly Apple will have a much, much different feel from TLD. While you know me here as quite garrulous, on there I will be very terse. The only commentary I will give will be in the comment section of each post (I even think I have a format nailed down). Basically, the comics are suppose to speak for themselves (which they do). And please note that even though I call them "comics" there is no traditional punchline. I guess a better word would be ideas, as that's what they are. Random ideas that you can do whatever you want with.

I'm keeping the art style purposely childish. I think it fits the feel of the site as a whole (especially because my bio says "I have the mind of a demented six-year-old.") and it's also much, much easier to do than full on computer-drawn stuff (at least for now). So, every comic will be done in glorious marker and colored pencil (I bought over 50 different colors of each).

The name of the comic comes from Pliny, the Elderly Apple. Pliny was actually a very, very close second in my favorite holiday card drawings (I couldn't help but love the pink rabbit's expression in this one) but was my favorite for a while. I also think the idea of an elderly apple sums up the feel of the comic very well. And so, Pliny is the official mascot, namesake, and first comic of the series. However, that doesn't mean he's the star. In fact, if I can keep up with the way I'm going, he'll never be seen in another comic again. As my tagline says "No plot twists. No character development. No sense whatsoever."

Now, I have plans to update the comic daily. Daily. As in every day. For all I know, this may have to be reigned back to "weekdaily" but no more than that! I'm trying to commit to this experiment. Now, I know from experience that it's difficult to think of 10 or more of these random things in a day, but once a day shouldn't be too much to ask. Plus, I have my archive of the old holiday card drawings. I plan to utilize them when I seriously have nothing new to put up. They'll give me about a month of wiggle room, which I really think may come in handy in the future.

So, be sure to visit the site every single day. But don't just do that. I also want you to comment. But don't just do that! I also want you to vote for me! When you look on the Elderly Apple website, you'll see a little button that says "VOTE: Top Web Comics" This is for a webcomic ranking site. It's basically there to give me more exposure. Now, when you click to vote for me, you'll be taken to a page where you'll see a little avatar with a name on it, and three buttons below. Choose the button that matches the picture. That will log your vote. Now, we provide incentives for doing this. Often its some kind of bonus drawing. I don't have the capacity for that at the moment, so I am making my incentive the most precious thing in the world: trivia! I'll find a random page on Wikipedia and then tell you some sort of tidbit about it. Fair enough, right? You can log in one vote a day, and I encourage you all to vote every single day, and make sure the votes go in. Every little bit counts!

In addition to putting the comics on the website proper, I'm also going to be showing them off on deviantART (again, for more exposure) and hopefully build up some sort of following there. So check out my profile there if you want to see how that progresses.

Eventually (this is if the experiment "works") I plan to profit off my creativity. I'll be selling prints of each comic, as well as the original copies of most of them. I may even go so far as to open a CafePress shop and sell t-shirts and other merchandise. Who knows, maybe someone will even give a book offer. Yes, yes, that's looking far, far into the future, but you have to think positive about these things, you know?

So now I've explained pretty much everything there is to know about Elderly Apple. Mainly because there will be little serious explanation on the website proper. Just little quirks.

So anyway, we'll see how this experiment progresses.

But why are you still here? Go to Elderly Apple, and make all our dreams come true!