My One Year Anniversay: An Announcement!

As I explained in detail yesterday, today is the one-year anniversary of The Lobotomist's Dream.

So!

In honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to announce the creation of....

(Drumroll please...)

Elderly Apple!!!

.........Wait, what?

Well, Elderly Apple is a new project I'm taking on. It's a webcomic. Well, kinda. I guess you could define it more as a web experiment, because mainly, I'm not sure exactly how it's going to turn out. Well, I guess you could also call it an experimental webcomic. But let's not get hooked on semantics.

So the history behind this goes back quite a ways. Years, probably. For a long time now, I've wanted to make a webcomic of some sorts. However, I've never done it. Why not? Well you see, there are a few problems associated with starting your own traditional webcomic. In no particular order, here are some of them:
1. You need to update on a fairly regular basis.
2. If you're doing a normal-style webcomic, you need to think of a good (enough) joke for each of those updates.
3. Not only do you need writing, but unless you're really lucky or good, you also need new artwork.
4. Not only do you always need fresh artwork, you need it for each panel of your comic.
5. You need some sort of angle. And sorry, having two room/house-mates, one bitter and cynical while the other lovable-yet-dumb, has already been done. Many, many times.
6. Seriously, you really need a new angle. Speaking in UGBA 100 (Business Communication) talk, there is too much noise in the channel. If I just do a normal three-panel comic, what will make it special?

In short, the solution is to NOT make a traditional webcomic. It'd be all too much work, and unless I became infinitely better at both art and punctuality, it would be doomed for failure. If you're going to do something and have it stand out, it's got to be something completely different. It has to be a sort of niche comic that can't really be considered a derivative of anything else.

So, I had that stored away in the filing cabinet in the back of my head for a while now.

Then the holiday cards happened.

As I explained in that post, I am known in my workplace for my weird, random drawings that doing really seem to have any point. They're pretty popular with most people. They're unique. They're occasionally funny, and...hey now! That just may work!

And so, the gearwork for Elderly Apple was set into motion. I decided to use Blogger as my host, mainly because I know my way around it, and I've seen a couple other webcomics use it. So, I've been working in (mostly) secret for the past three weeks or so, setting up the site, getting the domain name, getting the feeling right, all that good stuff. And now it's ready, I feel.

Elderly Apple will have a much, much different feel from TLD. While you know me here as quite garrulous, on there I will be very terse. The only commentary I will give will be in the comment section of each post (I even think I have a format nailed down). Basically, the comics are suppose to speak for themselves (which they do). And please note that even though I call them "comics" there is no traditional punchline. I guess a better word would be ideas, as that's what they are. Random ideas that you can do whatever you want with.

I'm keeping the art style purposely childish. I think it fits the feel of the site as a whole (especially because my bio says "I have the mind of a demented six-year-old.") and it's also much, much easier to do than full on computer-drawn stuff (at least for now). So, every comic will be done in glorious marker and colored pencil (I bought over 50 different colors of each).

The name of the comic comes from Pliny, the Elderly Apple. Pliny was actually a very, very close second in my favorite holiday card drawings (I couldn't help but love the pink rabbit's expression in this one) but was my favorite for a while. I also think the idea of an elderly apple sums up the feel of the comic very well. And so, Pliny is the official mascot, namesake, and first comic of the series. However, that doesn't mean he's the star. In fact, if I can keep up with the way I'm going, he'll never be seen in another comic again. As my tagline says "No plot twists. No character development. No sense whatsoever."

Now, I have plans to update the comic daily. Daily. As in every day. For all I know, this may have to be reigned back to "weekdaily" but no more than that! I'm trying to commit to this experiment. Now, I know from experience that it's difficult to think of 10 or more of these random things in a day, but once a day shouldn't be too much to ask. Plus, I have my archive of the old holiday card drawings. I plan to utilize them when I seriously have nothing new to put up. They'll give me about a month of wiggle room, which I really think may come in handy in the future.

So, be sure to visit the site every single day. But don't just do that. I also want you to comment. But don't just do that! I also want you to vote for me! When you look on the Elderly Apple website, you'll see a little button that says "VOTE: Top Web Comics" This is for a webcomic ranking site. It's basically there to give me more exposure. Now, when you click to vote for me, you'll be taken to a page where you'll see a little avatar with a name on it, and three buttons below. Choose the button that matches the picture. That will log your vote. Now, we provide incentives for doing this. Often its some kind of bonus drawing. I don't have the capacity for that at the moment, so I am making my incentive the most precious thing in the world: trivia! I'll find a random page on Wikipedia and then tell you some sort of tidbit about it. Fair enough, right? You can log in one vote a day, and I encourage you all to vote every single day, and make sure the votes go in. Every little bit counts!

In addition to putting the comics on the website proper, I'm also going to be showing them off on deviantART (again, for more exposure) and hopefully build up some sort of following there. So check out my profile there if you want to see how that progresses.

Eventually (this is if the experiment "works") I plan to profit off my creativity. I'll be selling prints of each comic, as well as the original copies of most of them. I may even go so far as to open a CafePress shop and sell t-shirts and other merchandise. Who knows, maybe someone will even give a book offer. Yes, yes, that's looking far, far into the future, but you have to think positive about these things, you know?

So now I've explained pretty much everything there is to know about Elderly Apple. Mainly because there will be little serious explanation on the website proper. Just little quirks.

So anyway, we'll see how this experiment progresses.

But why are you still here? Go to Elderly Apple, and make all our dreams come true!

In the Mind of a Madman?

So much to write, so little time to do so...

How about I start with the colorful "message to the world" I posted a few days back. Some of you were perplexed as to the meaning, but here's the basic gist:

There is no meaning.

The history of this goes back a few months...no, it goes back further than that. You see, I tend to make "things" out of the most random stuff. For example, during my RA training a year ago, I had to do a virtual reality practice session about handling a case of depression (something I've had real-world experience with). The weirdest part about VR, though, is always the intro lines. So, here was my opening lines in this session.

Me: "Hey Andrew (his name was also Andrew), I haven't seen you around lately. Are you doing alright."
Him: (Sullenly) "Yeah, I guess I'm alright."
Me: "How are classes going?"
Him: "Eh, not too well, I really don't like my Math 127 class. Too hard."
Me: "Oh, do you have Professor Smith...en...john?"
Him: "Uh, yeah."
Me: "Yeah, he's a real bitch."

At this point, everyone around me was cracking up (which wasn't very conducive for a depression training session), mainly due to my horrible creation of the name "Smithenjohn." And that became one of my running jokes in that staff (though not nearly as famous as my "Clarrecrefun" idea). The way this worked was that I would take Post-It's or other pieces of paper and put the following on them:
I would them post them in places where they'd be sure to be found, such as on people's keyboards and such. No real reason, just a little bit of fun.

(Side note; I've also decided to use Prof. Smithenjohn in my University of Satherton series of short stories; acting as a satire of the "tough" professor. In fact, Prof. Smithenjohn is so tough that he tells his students on the first day, "I've been known to give grades so low that they lead at least one student a semester to suicide. I will expedite the process." He then takes out a gun and shoots one of the students in the front row.)

Now, this brings me back to the yellow & blue thing. This also began when I was with my CKC coworkers. We were at a program to help people choose their next year's housing. I was sitting around and doing nothing while standing by a chalkboard (nobody was really there). So, I pick up a piece of yellow chalk and write on the board "Yellow." No real reason; I just had the impulse to do so. So, I did so again. The board now read:
Yellow.
Yellow.

I also saw a piece of blue chalk, so I wrote under that, "Blue?" Because 1) Question marks are inherently funny, and 2) where the heck was blue coming from? I then decided I needed some closure to the little string of words, so I added "Blue!" to the end. It then read:
Yellow.
Yellow.
Blue?
Blue!

Again, no real point. Then my friend Carlos sees it and asks what it means. I tell him what I told you. He then told me that some Art (or maybe English) major would try to interpret it, possibly is as a realization that something must interrupt the status quo before it is accepted. He said I should take a picture, then sell it to some snob.

I never did that, but I have continued to put that message wherever I've found the colors yellow and blue (which, when you go to Cal, are not hard to find). For example, the other day, I found some yellow and blue scraps of paper, wrote those words on them, and taped them to my supervisors' door. And I've done similar things all over. I guess you could consider it a kind of softcore vandalism; nothing actually gets damaged; people just become confused.

So, anyhoo, that's the story on that. G'night.

A Quick Note on Humor and Sitcoms

Wow, busy day. And I have to get up early tomorrow, so it's off to bed with me. But I've realized today that a sitcom does not need humor to make you laugh at it. All it needs is a laugh track. "Laugh, and the world laughs with you," right. Basically, you could show someone reading out of a phone book, but as long as there was someone laughing in the background, you'll laugh along. How have I come to this shocking conclusion? Simple. It's because this video is funnier than it has any right to be:




I particularly like the single jackass laugh at 1:43. Goodnight, everyone!

Mini-Blogs, Set Four

John Williams Can Even Give it its Own Theme Song
I've created a new Olympic sport for the more mentally gifted folks amongst us. It's called Thought Put. If you can't tell by the pretty blatant portmanteau, it's a form of Shot Put that harnesses telekinetic powers as opposed to muscles. The rules are pretty similar. You have a small, 8 pound metal ball that you have to throw as far as possible. However, instead of having to put, er, place the shot (the ball) on your neck while twirling around like Mikhail Baryshnikov, you simply lift the shot from the ground and throw it...with your mind.

Now, I recieved the second place medal for Shot Put in the prestigious Mt. SAC track and field tournament. I didn't earn it, mind you, but I still received it, and it's the highlight of my short-lived career. The point is, I consider myself one of the foremost authorities on the sport. And I can assure you that Thought Put would garner at least 40% more views on television than the current incarnation gets. Plus, it will expose all the people with the gift, and they can then become our protectors.


Protecting Our Future
You know, I was thinking about why they keep changing the look of paper currency. Then I suddenly came to a realization. How many times have you heard someone talk about what their plans would be if they suddenly had the ability to travel through time (the conversation comes up more often than you'd think betwixt my associates and me)? A lot of times, what they say is that they'd go back in time, invest a lot of their money, then travel back to the present, when they'd be rich as Nazis. Although I've never seen the movie to any substantial effect, I'm aware this is similar to the plot of Back to the Future II. And that movie shows that the result of such a situation is a dystopian future/alternate present, which most people would agree isn't good.

Enter the US Treasury. Henry Paulson sits down with his staff and talks about this potential disaster. They determine that the only way such a bleak existence can be avoided is by changing the look of money. Why? Consider the following: if you went back to 1975 to invest in Microsoft, you'd need to take lots of money in order to make it big. However, your money in the bank won't travel with you. You're going to need cash for your journey through the years. But what if you went to a stock broker and tried to funnel in a bunch of bills that look like this:

The broker is either going to think that you're either the worst counterfeiter ever, or just plain crazy. You won't even get the opportunity to invest, since nobody will take your "future money" seriously. And Henry Paulson smiles knowingly. Crisis averted.

(Of course, there is always the possibility that you use all your money to buy gold bullion, which will definitely be accepted. However, exchange rates are probably going to lessen your profits, and let's be honest, you'll probably be mugged and robbed before you get to the stock broker.)


Spelling Woes
I swear, I don't think I've ever spelled the word "receive" correctly. Ever. Including just then. And I was consciously trying to spell it correctly, too. Damn "c". Well, thank God for slepl czechers.


I Was Actually Somewhat Serious When I Wrote This
The people who wear the giant character suits at amusement parks...they lead an interesting life. They appear in thousands of photographs for hundreds of families, spread accross the country and the world. They are in pictures with the very young and the very old. They may appear in a picture which remains in a scrapbook for fifty years. And yet...nobody will ever know who they are.

Does anyone ever ask the people in the character costumes how they're doing? No, I don't mean, "Hey, Pluto, how's it going?" I mean, really asking the person how they're doing. I don't think so. Usually, if they speak to the person, they're saying something along the lines of, "Is this what you were hoping you'd do with your life?" (I sometimes think that when I see the guy dressed as the giant Quizno's cup.)

But the next time I go to Disneyland, I think I'm going to go up to the guy in the Mickey costume and say to him something similar to the following:

"You are such an integral part of this place. You are an integral part of the experience for the people who come here. You are one of the primary factors of the smiles that cross the children's faces, but you are anonymous. You make people happy, but they don't know you. Will they ever? Will they ever look at their albums and reminisce, 'Oh, I was so happy when this picture was taken. God bless the person in that suit. They are willing to selflessly bring the happiness to others, with no expectations of reciprocation. After all, how could I ever pay them back if I'll never know them.' Altruism at its finest. You, my friend, are a good person. God bless you, sir or madam."

A Petition for the Ages...

Hey hey, folks!

I have a meeting to run off to in a couple minutes, and I've been doing stuff all day, so I decided to use what little time I have today to push my political/verbal agenda.

Last night, I began a petition. No, it's not another one to make me the new Pope. It's a petition to officially change all instances of the word "Britain" to "Britland!" (with the exclamation point). So far, this worthy cause has mustered nine signatures, so we're halfway there (give or take)!

There's no empirical evidence on the subject, but I can confirm that when research is done in the future, it will prove that having everyone say "Britland!" instead of "Britain" will make the world a happier and safer place.

You can use the comments section as a kind of online signature, and then I'll just forge transcribe your John Hancock onto the physical petition. C'mon, 115 readers who don't comment, this is your time to shine!

For Great Britland!

....And, I'm off. Toodles!

On Beards

Let us, you and I, speak about beards, shall we?

Beards.


Everyone has a running joke; that is, one which they like to come to again and again as the years pass. It doesn't have to be a specific joke, per se, but rather a general idea in which they find humor.

My strongest and most stable running joke, by far, is that of beards.

I'm not sure why. Beards and I are intrinsically related, insofar as we have a antagonistifriendly relationship. Now I know what you're thinking: "Antagonistifriendly? What the hell is he talking about?" Well, let me educate you with the following facets of my relationships to beards.

1. "My own 'beard'": Let me make this perfectly clear (for some reason, I made an ironic typo in which I said "let me make this perfectly beard"): I don't have a beard. I always get annoyed when people say, "Oh, I like your beard," or "Oh, I don't like your beard," or "Oh, how long are you going to grow your beard?" When they say this, my left eye squints, my right eye twitches, and I turn to them with what can only be described as a scowl. "Beard?" say I, "I have no beard! And don't you ever call it that again!"

You see, I have a goatee, not a beard. Think of it as a logic problem from the SATs:
All beards are facial hair. Andrew has facial hair. Andrew has a beard.
Not true, my friend. A good rule of thumb is as follows: if the facial hair on the chin connects to the sideburns, it's a beard. Otherwise, it's some other varient of facial hair. Please refer to this style guide from the early 1900s for more information. As you can see, my variety of facial hair falls best under the category of "Petit Goatee".

So please, do not call my goatee a beard. Thank you.


2. "A Mighty Beard": So that's the extent of the antagonistic part of my antagonistifriendly relationship with the beard. However, there are many things about beards (beards on others, mind you) that I find quite amusing. For example, out of the blue one day, I thought of the phrase "a mighty beard." I'm not sure where it came from, but it's stuck with me ever since, and it always tickles me pink when I think of it. I'm giggling right now, in fact. I can just imagine a couple of grizzled sea captain-like characters talking to each other.
Sea Captain 1: "Arr, Ishmael, look at that bearded lad over there."
Sea Captain 2: "Aye, 'tis a mighty beard."

This is especially funny when I actually do see someone with a mighty beard on campus. Usually these people just turn out to be eccentric, homeless, or some combination of the two, but I still say to myself, "'Tis a mighty beard," and smile.


3. "The Beard Bribe": One of my co-workers at CKC was also my RA last year, and he's one of my closest friends at Cal. His name is Carlos, and he's well known for being a snappy dresser and overall handsome fellow. Here's a picture of him for reference (he's the one in the picture that's neither female nor me). Now, Carlos has a very youthful appearance, but he sometimes goes for many days without shaving. Hence, he occasionally has a bit of a stubble, which begs the question, "What would Carlos be like with a beard?"

Now, Carlos also wants a Nintendo Wii. However, he doesn't really want to shell out the money for one. He was going to get one for his birthday, but his family couldn't find one anywhere (a side effect of its popularity).

This is where I come in. Being the devil incarnate, I made Carlos an offer while simultaneously feeling my teeth sharpen. "Carlosssss," I hissed, "If you were to grow out your beard and keep it until your graduation, I'd happily purchasssse a Nintendo Wii for you." (Keep in mind, I made this offer to him at the beginning of the semester, so he'd have to keep it for months.)

"No," he cried, "That will make me look so old."

"Think about it, my friend. You want to be a teacher. Without the beard, you'll ssssimply be 'Carlossss'. With the beard, however, you'll be 'Misssster Lua'. And you'll have a Wii to boot."

Unfortunately, he didn't bite. I was actually willing to go through with the deal, but his heart wasn't in it, I suppose. Still, I found it funny when I was "comic-izing" a bunch of pictures (something I'll cover in more depth later), and the tricks of light and shadow in a picture of him gave him a kind of goatee. 'Ave a look. Don't worry, he'll cave...someday.



4. "The Bearded Party" : I tend to have a preoccupation with creating unorthodox political parties. I was thinking about creating my own ASUC party called the "Eclipse Party" in which our platform is "Fear, Darkness, and the Wailing of Children" (unlike Student Action, we wouldn't hide our true political intentions.) But as far as the US government, I've always thought the best idea would be the Bearded Party. The Bearded Party is, basically, a political party for people who have facial hair, or wish to have it (to include the ladies). It would be sponsored by the political action committee called the "United Citizens Advancing Bearded People Into Politics, As Well As Mustached People, Though Not As Much As Bearded," or UCABPIPAWAMPTNAMAB (pronounced "Oo-cab-pip-ah-wahmpt-nam-ab").

Here's an sample of one of the Bearded Party's speeches: "Did you know that the last President to have a beard was in 1893, with the last mustached President being in 1913. In fact, the last major candidate to have facial hair was Thomas Dewey in 1948! This is discrimination! This is an outrage! Why, some of our greatest Presidents have had beards! Abraham Lincoln, for one.......yeah!"

The goals of the Bearded Party are simple to the point of frightening: create pro-beard policies and revise history. Yes, revise history. For example, every beardless president will be given a full (if not mighty) beard in all their pictures, and every single battle of the Civil War will be renamed "The Battle of Bearded Hill." The list goes on and on.

However, if we were to ever let a member of the Bearded Party ever make it into the Oval Office, it would all be downhill from there. Which brings us to the grim final piece.


5. "Obey the Beard": I have the vision that if we have a dystopian future, we will not be ruled by aliens or by robots. No, in the future, we will all be ruled by a beard. Not by a man with a beard, mind you, but an individual, sentient beard. In this grim future, all with beards are elevated to a seat of power, while the beardless are punished. I'm in the process of making a series of pics/sounds (similar to that Photoshop contest one) that show this future.

Here's the first: "The Four Rules of Beard" - This is basically pro-beard propaganda, telling you to live, love, honor, and obey the Beard, all while listening to some people talk about the virtues of the beard (the voices, incidentally, are from a fairly bearded episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation).

Here's the second: "The Future Home of the Beardless" - This shows a prison cell where a beardless person goes, with some lovely propaganda posters on the wall ("Do not defy your bearded superiors"). The shakiness of the person is a visualization of their going insane. (Oh, the pictures are from "V for Vendetta" and the sound from "Eternal Darkness," in case you were wondering.)

While, as a middle-class white male, I usually don't find the prospect of dystopian futures disturbing, this one definitely doesn't seem pleasant, even with my ample chin tuft.


Okay, I'll stop there. I think you have a pretty good idea of my relationship with beards, and the kinds of things my running joke entails. It's a pretty fun topic, and I've never fully understood why. But, in case you're wondering, I don't plan on ever, EVER growing a full beard. So don't ask.

Have a bearded day!

Presenting the Greatest Team Ever!!!

Everyone has what I call a "muse room". While it doesn't necessarily have to be a room (it can be a park or a closet or what have you), a muse room is where you spontaneously think up ideas. Where inspiration just strikes like a deadly cobra, except instead of venom which makes you feel dead, you get creative thoughts which make you feel alive. My personal muse room is the shower. I'm not sure why. Maybe when I massage my scalp while shampooing, it activates some dormant brain cells of creativity. But I digress.

I thought of a great new idea for a comic or cartoon series (short cartoons, probably best as a Flash series or something like that) while I was in the shower last night. I've been percolating on it since, and now I think I've got something. I call it:Team Praesieo

And the concept is as follows: due to a temporal anomaly, seven United States Presidents of the past have come together in our time. When they find each other, they decide to become soldiers of fortune, a-la the A-Team. They help the less fortunate while fighting evil villains bent on city and world domination. And they do so with a badass attitude. The members of the team are the following:

Theodore "T.R." Roosevelt: Courageous and charismatic, T.R. is the leader and pblic face of the team. Wearing his traditional Rough Rider uniform (updated with modern equipment), he makes a point to let evildoers know that Team Praesieo will always be on their tail. Despite his history of being a cowboy, T.R. encourages the team to think things carefully before engaging in any action.

Franklin Delano "D" Roosevelt: The most intelligent of the group, D plays the role of the wheelchair-bound computer hacker. His special wheelchair has an onboard server which allows him to jack into any system he can find. Unfortunately, because of his paralysis, he is unable to participate in much of the action. He doesn't mind, though; he plays a huge role in allowing the team to access as much information as they can.

William Howard Taft: They say this cat Taft is a bad mother- "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" I'm talkin' 'bout Taft. In any event, Taft is large and in charge. Always driving around on a custom motorcycle, he is the teams artillery enthusiast. He always has a Tommy Gun in the ready, as well as a pack of C-4 and some detonators. His favorite item, however, is his large handgun he affectionately calls "The Trust-Buster." One of his quirks is to frequently mention any of his many, many accomplishements. For example, in one scene, some street thug goes up to him and says, "Hey, Taft, I heard there's a sale at the lard factory. You should waddle over there and-" But his words are stopped short when the Trust-Buster is placed in his mouth. Taft then says to him, "In addition to being President, I was Chief Justice of the Supreme Court from 1921-1930, so if I wanted to, I could make it constitutional for me to lodge a bullet IN YOUR SKULL! Do you want that?" And when the thug shakes his head, Taft pulls the gun out. "I didn't think so."

Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge: Silent Cal doesn't speak. Ever. And you never know when he's coming up to you unless he's there. His character is most like a special operative. He carries with him a small collection of knives with which he eliminates enemies. He doesn't always use them, though; sometimes he'll just walk up behind his prey and snap their neck. He is very slippery, hard to catch, and very cold. Works as an infiltrator and assassin.

Andrew "Hickory" Jackson: Hickory is the strong man of the group, and has an attitude to boot. Tough, rugged, and always ready for a fight, he's the man to call if you have a boulder to lift or an army to fight. Unfortunately, his attitude sometimes gets the best of him, as his enemies will trick him into duels (he can't resist a duel) that he gets trapped in. He's at his best when roughing it in the wilderness.

Franklin "Frankie" Pierce: Frankie is the kid of the group. He has a good heart, and a lot of spunk, but he doesn't always know what the right path is. He looks up to T.R. as a father figure and D as a big brother. He wants to make a difference in the world, but is sometimes so headstrong that he'll run straight into trouble without a way to get out. He also has a running joke where he's trying to get a girlfriend, but it always end up hilariously wrong.

Ulysses "Useless" S. Grant: While everyone has high expecations of Useless S. Grant, he never fails to dissapoint them. All he ever does is drink. He actually adds nothing to the team, other than comic relief.
"Grant, you were supposed to watch the headquarters last night!"
"I...I had a date."
"A date? With who?"
"Gretta Woods.........brand whiskey! Bwahahaha!"
"Grant, you're useless!"

While they're all on the same team, they are not always in the same mindset. There's two main "sides" to the team. On one side is the more traditional members: T.R., D, and Frankie. On the other side is the more action-oriented members of the team: Taft, Silent Cal, and Hickory. (Grant is too drunk to pick sides.) T.R. and Taft, while professional, obviously aren't friends, as they split the Republican party in 1912 over a few differences. The action-oriented members think Taft would be a more fitting leader to the team, but for the most part, the status quo holds.

Now, the team faces various enemies, both from history and from the modern day. Of course, there has to be an overseeing villain, a Lex Luthor of sorts. For Team Praesieo. This villain is Tīmūr bin Taraghay Barlas, better known as Tamerlane. More specifically, I wanted to use the masked version seen in my favorite video game, Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem. Here's some really crappy pictures I took to give you a better idea:



Why Tamerlane? Well, for one thing, he's not the obvious (and frankly, boring) choice of Hitler. Secondly, he's a conqueror, so it works well with the whole, y'know, world conquest idea. Third, he made the following speech before he sacked Damascus:

"I am the scourge of God, appointed to chastise you, since no one knows the remedy for your iniquity except me. You are wicked, but I am more wicked than you, so be silent."

If that's not an awesome speech, I don't know what is. So, he's the main villain. The way I see it, when he got caught in the temporal anomaly, he became a billionaire business owner, and that's how he can go about his latest conquest.

And so, Team Praesieo fights against Tamerlane and various other villains, each adventure more daring (and occasionally zany) than the last.

And that's why I like taking showers.