Thursday, April 26, 2007

Mini-Blogs, Set Four

John Williams Can Even Give it its Own Theme Song
I've created a new Olympic sport for the more mentally gifted folks amongst us. It's called Thought Put. If you can't tell by the pretty blatant portmanteau, it's a form of Shot Put that harnesses telekinetic powers as opposed to muscles. The rules are pretty similar. You have a small, 8 pound metal ball that you have to throw as far as possible. However, instead of having to put, er, place the shot (the ball) on your neck while twirling around like Mikhail Baryshnikov, you simply lift the shot from the ground and throw it...with your mind.

Now, I recieved the second place medal for Shot Put in the prestigious Mt. SAC track and field tournament. I didn't earn it, mind you, but I still received it, and it's the highlight of my short-lived career. The point is, I consider myself one of the foremost authorities on the sport. And I can assure you that Thought Put would garner at least 40% more views on television than the current incarnation gets. Plus, it will expose all the people with the gift, and they can then become our protectors.

Protecting Our Future
You know, I was thinking about why they keep changing the look of paper currency. Then I suddenly came to a realization. How many times have you heard someone talk about what their plans would be if they suddenly had the ability to travel through time (the conversation comes up more often than you'd think betwixt my associates and me)? A lot of times, what they say is that they'd go back in time, invest a lot of their money, then travel back to the present, when they'd be rich as Nazis. Although I've never seen the movie to any substantial effect, I'm aware this is similar to the plot of Back to the Future II. And that movie shows that the result of such a situation is a dystopian future/alternate present, which most people would agree isn't good.

Enter the US Treasury. Henry Paulson sits down with his staff and talks about this potential disaster. They determine that the only way such a bleak existence can be avoided is by changing the look of money. Why? Consider the following: if you went back to 1975 to invest in Microsoft, you'd need to take lots of money in order to make it big. However, your money in the bank won't travel with you. You're going to need cash for your journey through the years. But what if you went to a stock broker and tried to funnel in a bunch of bills that look like this:

The broker is either going to think that you're either the worst counterfeiter ever, or just plain crazy. You won't even get the opportunity to invest, since nobody will take your "future money" seriously. And Henry Paulson smiles knowingly. Crisis averted.

(Of course, there is always the possibility that you use all your money to buy gold bullion, which will definitely be accepted. However, exchange rates are probably going to lessen your profits, and let's be honest, you'll probably be mugged and robbed before you get to the stock broker.)

Spelling Woes
I swear, I don't think I've ever spelled the word "receive" correctly. Ever. Including just then. And I was consciously trying to spell it correctly, too. Damn "c". Well, thank God for slepl czechers.

I Was Actually Somewhat Serious When I Wrote This
The people who wear the giant character suits at amusement parks...they lead an interesting life. They appear in thousands of photographs for hundreds of families, spread accross the country and the world. They are in pictures with the very young and the very old. They may appear in a picture which remains in a scrapbook for fifty years. And yet...nobody will ever know who they are.

Does anyone ever ask the people in the character costumes how they're doing? No, I don't mean, "Hey, Pluto, how's it going?" I mean, really asking the person how they're doing. I don't think so. Usually, if they speak to the person, they're saying something along the lines of, "Is this what you were hoping you'd do with your life?" (I sometimes think that when I see the guy dressed as the giant Quizno's cup.)

But the next time I go to Disneyland, I think I'm going to go up to the guy in the Mickey costume and say to him something similar to the following:

"You are such an integral part of this place. You are an integral part of the experience for the people who come here. You are one of the primary factors of the smiles that cross the children's faces, but you are anonymous. You make people happy, but they don't know you. Will they ever? Will they ever look at their albums and reminisce, 'Oh, I was so happy when this picture was taken. God bless the person in that suit. They are willing to selflessly bring the happiness to others, with no expectations of reciprocation. After all, how could I ever pay them back if I'll never know them.' Altruism at its finest. You, my friend, are a good person. God bless you, sir or madam."


Anonymous said...

I had a ballet teacher when I was in the..fourth or fifth grade that worked at Disneyland as Mickey Mouse. She was very short and the guy she married was very tall...

Hmm, I wonder would she recognise me if she saw me at Disneyland? Does she even work there anymore?

ASHLEY said...

Umm, I just have to say, that as a native of the Anaheim area I have known several Disneyland employees, quite a few of them Disney "princesses," and I don't know if I'd ever qualify them as "selfless" "good people" with little appreciation. They're more like paid prom queens.

PS. I assure you every Mickey Mouse you will ever meet will be a madam, not a sir.

Anonymous said...

Have I ever told you you were queer? Well I have now, thank goodness for words with multiple meanings. I never could have thought about "thought put", despite winning a medal in shot put myself. But seeing some poor soul, suffering from grandiose delusions, fail to move his "thought put" would be eerily disturbing, and weird.

P.S. to ashley, what about the minnie mouses?

Unknown said...

i know a girl in my class who IS mickey mouse. she's short as hell and really sweet but narrow minded.

p.s. see even squall says your gay. so its just me. HAHAHA

Anonymous said...

Wow, your thought put idea...I like it. I like it a lot. I mean, that would be an awesome youtube video! I can imagine it now - we could even be on the Oddball segment of MSNBC's program "Countdown with Keith Olbermann." We got work to do!

Hmmm, I'm pretty sure if you expressed your little **cough**conspiracy**cough** "theory" on the Drudge Report, you would get a following.

Receive is a hard word indeed...However, my problems are business (I always but the I after the u), rendevous (I'm actually quite suprised that I spelled it correctly) and bureau (I had to do a search for the FBI on Wikipedia just to spell it.)

As for the people who suit up and ship out...May the character workers of the world unite!

-Comrade Chavez

ASHLEY said...

What about them? All the Mickeys and Minnies I've met have been 4'10" female actresses with, granted, small stature, but sufficient ego. Not that they're not very nice people. Just not at all the infinitely unappreciated things Andrew imagines.

Anonymous said...

well, this certainly explains his feelings toward them, as mickey and minnie are really both women, he feels he must support them in their struggle.

Gosh, this is too easy, I'll stop after this one.