Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A Petition for the Ages...

Hey hey, folks!

I have a meeting to run off to in a couple minutes, and I've been doing stuff all day, so I decided to use what little time I have today to push my political/verbal agenda.

Last night, I began a petition. No, it's not another one to make me the new Pope. It's a petition to officially change all instances of the word "Britain" to "Britland!" (with the exclamation point). So far, this worthy cause has mustered nine signatures, so we're halfway there (give or take)!

There's no empirical evidence on the subject, but I can confirm that when research is done in the future, it will prove that having everyone say "Britland!" instead of "Britain" will make the world a happier and safer place.

You can use the comments section as a kind of online signature, and then I'll just forge transcribe your John Hancock onto the physical petition. C'mon, 115 readers who don't comment, this is your time to shine!

For Great Britland!

....And, I'm off. Toodles!


Unknown said...

Good evening, Andrew. I thought it time we had a little talk. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...I suppose you're wondering why I've called you here this evening. Well, you see, I'm not entirely satisfied with your performance lately...I'm afraid your work's been slipping and...and well, I'm afraid we've been thinking about letting you go. Oh, I know, I know. You've been with the company a long time now. Almost...let me see. Almost ten thousand years! My word, doesn't time fly? It seems like only yesterday...I remember the day you commenced your employment, swinging down from the trees, fresh-faced and nervous, a bone clasped in your bristling fist..."Where do I start, sir?" You asked, plaintively. I recalled my exact words: "There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there, youngster," I said, smiling paternally all the while. "Get sucking." Well, we've certainly come a long way since then, haven't we? And yes, yes you're right, in all that time you haven't missed a day. Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Also, please don't think I've forgotten about your outstanding service record, or about all of the invaluable contributions that you've made to the company...Fire, the wheel, agriculture..It's an impressive list, old-timer. A jolly impressive list. Don't get me wrong. But...well, to be frank, we've had our problems too. There's no getting away from it. Do you know what I think alot of it stems from? I'll tell you...It's your basic unwillingness to get on in the company. You don't seem to want to face up to any real responibility. To be your own boss. Lord knows you've been given plenty of opportunities... We've offered you promotion time and time again, and each time you've turned us down. "I couldn't handle the work, Guv'Nor," You wheedled. "I know my place." To be frank, you're not trying are you? You see, you've been standing still for far too long, and its starting to show in your work...And, I might add, in your general standard of behavior. The constant bickering on the factory floor has not escaped my attention...nor the recent bouts of rowdiness in the staff canteen. Then of course there's...Hmm. Well, I didn't really want to have to bring this up, but...Well, you see, I've been hearing some disturbing rumors about your personal life. No, never you mind who told me. No names, no pack drill... I understand you are unable to get on with your spouse. I hear that you argue. I am told that you shout. Violence has been mentioned. I am reliably informed that you always hurt the one your love...the one you shouldn't hurt at all. And what about the children, its always the children who suffer, as you're well aware. Poor little mites. What are they to make of it? What are they to make of all your bullying, your despair, your cowardice and all your fondly nurtured bigotries? Really, its not good enough, is it? And its no good blaming the drop in work standards on and management either...though to be sure, the management is very bad. In fact, let us not mince words...The Management is terrible! We've had a string of embezzelers, frauds, liars, and lunatics making a string of catastrophic decisions. This is plain fact. But who elected them? It was you! You who elected these people! You who gave them the power to make your decisions for you! While I'll admit that anyone can make a mistake once, to go on making the same lethal errors century after century seems to me nothing short of deliberate. You have encouraged these malicious incompetents, who have made your working life a shambles. You have accepted without question their senseless orders. You have allowed them to fill your workspace with dangerous and unproven machines. You could have stopped them. All you had to say was "No." You have no spine. You have no pride. You are no longer an asset to the company. I will, however, be generous. You will be granted two years to show me some improvement in your work. If at the end of that time you are still unwilling to make a go of it...You'll be fired. By the by, your petition will be denied. That will be all. You may return to your labors.

Andrew Schnorr said...

You only had to put your name, but I'll count this anyway. Thanks for your support!