Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Somebody Saaaaaaaaave Meeee!!!

So, last night we had a program about safety and self-defense at CKC. It wasn't a response to the shootings in Virginia; the timing was purely coincidental. While I am probably not the first person a predator is going to come after, it can never hurt to know a self-defense trick or two, so I decided to go to the program (well, couple that with the fact that one of my friends/co-workers was in charge of it and guilted me into going).

One of the first things I noticed when I was at the program: I was the tallest person there. And you know what? That felt good. You see, I have this inborn desire to be taller than others. In fact, when I first came to Cal and saw my roommate for the first time, the first thought that came to my head was, "Damn! He's taller than me." (By less than an inch, though, and we turned out to be the best of friends.) I'm not intimidated by those taller than me, mind you, just...well, let's just say I don't like to have to look up to people; just a pet peeve, you know.

So, being the tallest person at the program, I was immediately tagged by the instructor. "You don't get hassled much, I bet. You're big, you have a barrel like (though I'm going to revise history by using my new word, "Barrelesque") body, and a tough face with prominent facial hair. Most people are going to try an easier target." I figured she was going to ask me to leave at that point, seeing as I'm obviously too intimidating to be picked on, but she allowed me to remain.

And then we got on with the training. For those who haven't taken a self-defense class, here are the five "fingers" of self-defense.

1.Escape - Basically, getting out of a bad situation as fast as you can. The best thing you could do, but the least fun to practice.

2.Non-Verbal - Stopping possible perpetrators with a "no-means-no" look. This is where I really shine. Thanks to my staring-contest experience, I can whip out an impressive "no-means-no" face on a dime. While the other people couldn't help but giggle when they stared at our practice perp(etrator), I looked him square in the eyes, as though to say, "Hey, you, don't come to me looking for trouble; I've taken a self-defense course, and I could eat you up, spit you out, and take your carcass to Denny's to be a blue-plate special, which I will then eat and spit out again...and I won't give the waitress a tip, punk!"

3.Verbal - Basically, this is uses words to empower you against a perpetrator. But if used in every day conversation with completely innocent people, it will just make you look like a bitch.
*At the Golden Bear Cafe*
Person: "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
Me: "You can't sit there."
Person: "Why not? Is someone sitting-"
Me: *Standing and putting my hand up.* "STOP! Leave me alone!"
Person: "But-"
Me: "LEAVE ME ALONE! Step back!"
Person: "I-"
Me: "Step back! STEP BACK! Leave me alone! STEP! BACK!"
Person: "Okay, okay...bitch."

4.Physical - Here we go! This was obviously the most fun part to practice. The lesson they taught is that you attack a perp, and you don't stop attacking until they're either running away or "lying still on the ground." (Of course, if interpreted literally, the defender could get pretty gruesome. Are they slowly crawling away while pleading for mercy? Kick 'em in the groin! Oh, they're leg's still twitching? A shoulder to the back of the neck should fix that.)

Basically, we were taught three basic moves, and I can't remember the names of any of them. However, they were are follows:
1. Basically, strike someone's throat with the area between your thumb and index finger, effectively crushing their windpipe.
2. I think this was called the basic palm, but it's striking people with the palm of your hand, such as to the chest, jaw, or nose (the latter of which will drive their nose bone up and piece their brain...hmm, I wonder how much liability comes with these maneuvers).
3. Doing a soccer kick to someone's shin. As someone who had a numb right shin for a year after having it smashed against in a car accident, I can confirm that the shin is indeed quite sensitive.

So, one of the things everyone did was practice these moves, all while shouting "NO!" in a pseudo-karate kinda way. And that's all fine and good for most people. It was very interesting to see the different people's methods. Some people (I don't mind mentioning they were of the female influence) had high, shrieking screams, while others were much more muted (probably more out of modesty than anything.) Then they got to me. People were interested in seeing how "the big guy" would act, particularly my co-workers, who always know me primarily for my charming and/or twisted wit. So I was kind of giggling before I got to work.
Instructor: "You a little embarrassed?"
Me: "No, it's just that I have a very throaty yell."
Instructor: "Oh, are you sick? I can yell with you too, if it helps?"
Me: "No, I'm sure people will be able to hear it fine."

I guess she misinterpreted my use of the word throaty to mean "breathy" or something like that. No, when I yell, I sound like I should be the lead singer in a death metal band (the backup singers are the ones with the more harmonious voices). So, I charge at this guy howling like a bionic monkey "NONONONONOYESNONONO!!!" (I messed up at some point.) Basically, it looks as though I was about to bite into his chest and rip out his heart. If a police officer saw me, I think he'd identify it as "attempted cannibalism" before "self-defense".

5. Compliance - This one is in regard to trying to talk through your problems (I think), but I just imagine the following scenario:
Perp: "Can I beat you up?"
Me: "Sure, I got a minute."
...Yeah, I didn't pay much attention at this part in the program (it only lasted a full two minutes anyway).

And then we had snacks (I pocketed a boatload of Tootsie Rolls). When all was said and done, I'm pretty sure most of the people were a lot more ready for any potential attack. And me? Well, I had done nothing more than prove my insanity. And I made up the word "barrelesque." Good times.

3 comments:

Alexander said...

DON'T WORRY ANDREW! ME AND MARK ARE COMING!
(we'll be there in 7 hours)

"best of friends"? is that a secret code for being gay?

bitch? they don't mumble "bicth." they mumble "asshole..."

(mumbleassholemumble)

Hey you pulled a number 1 on me before... (mumbleassholemumble)

... you know what i think that was the same day you rolled the window up on my head...

(mumblefuckingassholemuble)

i'm outta here

Squall said...

I couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably.

You are by far the most barrelesque person I've ever known (cept for my cousin Rui).

You really shouldn't have let the yes slip out there, they might think they stand a chance, and hope is something you don't want to give.

Also, how could you not giggle when thinking up that Denny's scenario?

Christopher said...

I have, once again, made the grade killing mistake of reading this post in my economics class...You need to trade mark all these terms, my friend.

You're NONONONONOYESNONONO!!! reminded me of this: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/NO

Maybe, one day in the future, you can incorporate this: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/AAAAAAA!

-Comrade Chavez