Friday, June 15, 2007

Sometimes Ideas Come From the Oddest Places


Kris enters.

Kris: "Hey, THE_BOLSHEVIK."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "How were you able to get in, Kris? The door was locked."

Kris: "Not in any serious way. Hey, what's this?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That? That's my Blue Star Achievement Award. I got it from eBay for having gotten my 50th unique positive review."

Kris: "Blue Star, huh? You do know that's the name of an ointment, right? For, like, ringworm and...psoriasis."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Why do you do this to me?"

Kris: "What do you mean?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What do I mean? Kris! This...this is, like, the defining moment in my life. There have been 50 people who believe I am good at online auctioneering, and now I have proof. Today, I received an award, and this isn't one of those 'Everyone-Gets-a-Trophy' days. Today is 'THE_BOLSHEVIK-Gets-a-Trophy' day. I alone am honored, and you're trying to spit it back in my face!"

Kris: "Isn't the whole rating system on eBay basically a quid pro quo system, in which you'll only give a good rating if your associate does?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "No! At least...not for me! I earned my award and all the Caps-Locked positive reviews I got!"

Kris: "Fine, but what about the power sellers?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What?"

Kris: "You know, the guys with, like, fifteen thousand positive reviews."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...What about them?"

Kris: "They get, like, 50 reviews in an evening."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, they aren't me, so it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I have my Blue Star Achievement Award!"

Kris: "By the way, why the hell is that pinned up?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I was told to."

Kris: "By who?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "By eBay. They sent me an email with the award as a PDF, and they told me to print it out and proudly display it on my wall. So that's what I'm doing."

Kris: "If eBay told you to hang yourself, would you?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That's an unfair question. The President and CEO of eBay, Inc., would never tell me to do that."

Kris: "Hmm...Meg Whitman. That sounds like a female name."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "A female? The president of an Internet company. I find that fairly unlikely. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it's highly unlikely."

Kris: "Well, how many dudes do you know with the name 'Meg'?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Two."

Kris: "..."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "..."

Kris: "..."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Oh, wait; one of them's a female."

Kris: "Okay, so you know one dude named Meg, and I'm pretty sure you're lying about that."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Why would I lie? I don't lie."

Kris: "You can't stop lying. Remember when you called the Feds last summer and told them I was smuggling cocaine from Nicaragua?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I thought you were!"

Kris: "And you thought that why?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "You seemed pretty scummy. Plus, you had that nice watch. Where the hell did you get the money to pay for that watch?"

Kris: "You gave me that watch for my birthday!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Really?"

Kris: "Yes."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Where did I get the money for that watch?"

Kris: "Have you been smuggling cocaine?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I don't...think...I hope not."

Kris: "'Cause right now, I'm about to call the Feds."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "No, Kris, don't."

Kris: "I'm taking out my phone. Where'd you get the watch?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kris, no, I don't know."

Kris: "My finger's on the button. Now tell me where you got the watch."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Please, Kris, you gotta believe me."

Kris: "I'd love to believe you, THE_BOLSHEVIK. But right now, revenge is on the line, and I hear she's a real bitch."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...That's it."

Kris: "What's it?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That's where I got it. I got the watch from someone named sexybitch82...on eBay."

Kris: "Ah, and so we come full circle."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...she gave me positive feedback..."

Kris: "I'll be seeing you, THE_BOLSHEVIK."

Kris leaves.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "............Wait a minute. Where'd my pencil sharpener go? ...Goddammit, Kris!"

End scene.

2 comments:

Christopher said...

Congrats on 50 people thinking you're a swell guy!

-Comrade Chavez

Squall said...

Good work.

Your story needs more beowulf and less ramayana. Make with the grendels already!