Monday, May 14, 2007

Hats Off to You!

I mentioned the other day that I bought myself a new hat. This was much easier said than done. You see, my head, she's large. Very large. I measured it, and the circumference of my head is 25 1/4 inches. To give you an idea of how that stacks up with the rest of the crowd, the average head size for a human male is 58 cm, or 22.83" my head is nearly two-and-a-half inches larger than that. In fact, some guy says that "Probably the largest head size you will ever find, will be 64cms," while my head is 64.13 cm. I guess I owe this to my German heritage, because apparently that's where all the big heads come from.

Anyhoo, finding a hat that fits is very difficult. I looked online for a bunch of hats, but the majority are too small for someone like me. And the ones that do say XXL or XXXL are all sombreros or some such nonsense. Well, there were a few that looked interesting, but buying a hat is a delicate procedure. I don't think getting one online would be the optimal decision.

Postman: "Son, your hat from the Internet has arrived."
Me: "Golly! Thanks, sir!"
Postman: "Just doing me job!"
Me: "Hey, wait a minute, this hat doesn't look good on me."
Postman: "Hahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!" *Drives off, running down schoolchildren along the way.*

In order to avoid such a scenario, I went to the Berkeley Hat Company, the largest and most boringly-named hat store in California. When I went in, one of the service people placed a "fitter" hat on me. It basically rested on my head like a yarmulke. When she realized the immensity of my head, she looked like she was going to call the cops or something (which I actually think would make for a good skit).

Once they found some hats that did fit, I was basically left to my own devices for an hour and a half. While was originally looking through the whole place, I quickly gravitated toward the outdoorsy Outback hats. And after putting them on and taking them off again and again...and again, I finally purchased my new hat.

That's real kangaroo leather there. Very soft, very light, and very cool. Since purchasing this hat, it has already proven its value, having protected my face from Berkeley's blistering pre-summer sun (we almost got into the triple digits last week). It's also fully crushable, for easy storage.

As you can tell, the hat also has a lot of character to it. Well, you see, beginning this summer, I'm going to try a new look. Not a new personality, per se, just a different way of dressing, for a little variety. Stage one was buying the hat. Stage two is buying a leather jacket. Unfortunately, most leather jackets on sale are absurdly expensive, and eityher look like your homosexual, a biker, or a homosexual biker. That's not the look I'm going for, so I went to our good old friend eBay.

There ended up being two jackets I was looking at. One was what I really, really wanted, and the other was my backup (which unfortunately, ended earlier than the other one). To my dismay, the jacket that I really thought would work great ended up jumping in price to a point where, with shipping, it would cost me near to $100. So, I had to go with my second choice, for a much cheaper price.

So, I'll be wearing that second jacket with my hat. We'll see how it all works out.

Oh! I've thought of an idea for a show or something which features a guy named Sam who owns a hat like mine, except that it has magic powers? What can it do? What can't it do?!

Wife: "Oh, this kitchen is a mess! And all these dishes are dirty!"
Sam: "I'll wash the dishes...with my hat!"
*Sam points the hat at the dishes, and they instantly become clean.*

Security Guard: "Help! The bank's being robbed!"
Sam: "I'll stop him...with my hat!"
*Sam throws the hat at the robber, who is devoured by the hat.*

Crowd: "How can we ever thank you, Sam?"
Sam: "Oh, don't thank me...thank my hat!"
Guy with Old-Timey Radio Voice: "That hat's a true American hero!"
Some Fat Guy: "Three cheers for the hat!"
*A parade is held for the hat.*

Oh, yeah, and my hat's a lucky hat. Why? 'Cause I decided it would be.

Have a hatty day!


Anonymous said...

Nice hat, it looks very nifty indeed. I wanna see it...and try it on..I wonder how big it would be on me..?

oh, and the link for the second jacket didn't work. well it did, just didn't direct to a picture of said jacket. are you having an Idiana Jones theme?

Anonymous said...

Indy hats, they're good. What comes after the leather jacket?

Andrew Schnorr said...

The link should be working now, but here's a picture.

Yes, I think calling it Indy-inspired would be appropriate...

Anonymous said...

Crickey, I reckon that hat is the same from the "moovie" Crocodile Dundee.

In any case, I share your pain in terms of having a hard time finding an hat. I was hoping to find a derby like what the Edge used during U2's Joshua Tree Tour, but alas, none works. I guess I must go under a bridge and cry...or go play Kingdom of Loathing more.

-Comrade Chavez

Anonymous said...

Kingdom of Loathing?

Andrew Schnorr said...

Kingdom of Loathing.

You may remember getting a paperback "demo" of it at Comic-Con last year.

Anonymous said...

I see... I'll have to try it, earn myself some meats....