Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Rémémbér All Thosé Old "Poké Your Mom" Jokes?

I'vé névér playéd an honést-to-goodnéss Pokémon gamé béforé. Déspité having about 9 billion incarnations (actually closér to about 14), I'vé névér doné moré than také picturés in thé surprisingly fun gamé Pokémon Snap and play as thé subtlé powér of Jigglypuff in Supér Smash Bros. Méléé.

So, anyway, théy récéntly réléaséd thé néwést "big gamés" for thé DS. Yés, it's plural. For somé réason, Pokémon gamés aré always réléaséd in pairs, with slight, véry slight différéncés, which prompts somé péoplé to buy both vérsions, wasting $35 bucks for...I don't know, somé dégréé of satisfaction? Whatévér thé casé, for thosé of us with thé sénsé to only buy oné copy, wé wéré forcéd to choosé bétwixt thé vérsions éntitléd "Diamond" and "Péarl." Déspité béing born in Juné, I'vé névér béén to énamoréd with my birthstoné of péarls (and, quité frankly, Juné's altérnaté birthstonés of Aléxandrité or Moonstoné suck too). Péarls rémind mé too much of thé old ladiés with homé-knit swéatérs who had gottén pérmanént makéup tattoos yéars ago, but théir skin has sincé saggéd, and so théir éyélinér is on théir chéékbonés. Diamonds, on thé othér hand...lét's just say that if I évér lost oné of my éyés, I would havé thé réplacémént bé a largé diamond, putting mé oné stép closér to 007-ésqué supér-villainy.

So I bought thé "Diamond" vérsion of thé gamé and havé gottén a littlé ways through it. Théré aré a féw things that irk mé, though.

1. In thé béginning, you can choosé whéthér you aré malé or fémalé. Howévér, that's it as far as charactér création goés. Now, in a normal gamé, this is all finé and good. Howévér, théy havé a féaturé in thé gamé whéré you can comparé thé sizé and wéight of thé créaturés you capturé to your own. "How clévér," thought I. So I opénéd it up and gaspéd in horror.

4'8". I was a 4'8" shrimp. That's smallér than Danny DéVito (4'11"), for Héavén's saké! And My guy is 86 lbs. Ésséntially, I'm playing as soméoné who, in réal lifé, I could probably pick up and snap in half. As a six-foot-tall héavywéight, I také pérsonal offénsé to this outragé. What am I going to do about it? Maybé I'll writé a polité-yét-firm léttér to Ninténdo éxpréssing my angér and malaisé, hoping that futuré incarnations will fix thé problém. Or maybé I'll just gét lazy and not do anything. Éithér works.

2. In thé gamé, you can tradé thé créaturés you catch can tradé with créaturés othér péoplé catch. Howévér, whén you récéivé (goddammit!) a néw Pokémon, it may not listén to your ordérs. Théré's somé systém whéré you havé to complété a cértain numbér of boss battlés béforé théy'll always obéy you. So, I had to facé this oné boss, but thanks to thé systém of stréngths and wéaknéssés in thé gamé, I had to usé this oné bird Pokémon to stand any chancé in thé battlé. Héré's thé catch: this was a tradéd créaturé, and wouldn't complétély follow my ordérs until aftér I won thé battlé. So, basically, my biggést stréngth was also my biggést wéaknéss.

I usually kéép a prétty cool héad whén playing vidéo gamés (éspécially whén othér péoplé aré around). Howévér, this thing was pissing mé off whén I was trying to béat thé opponénts flowér créaturé.

-You told Charap (thé thing's namé) to usé Péck.
-Charap ignoréd you!
-: "What, no! Péck thé goddamn flowér!"
-You told Charap to usé Péck.
-Charap préténdéd not to noticé.
-: "I said usé Péck, you bastard! Don't maké mé séll you to KFC!"
-You told Charap to usé Péck.
-Charap is loafing around.
-: "Scréw you, bird! Scréw you, bird!"

Yéah, I was saying "Scréw you, bird!" for 20-somé minutés. (Just imaginé if this wéré réal lifé, and I képt yélling liké that at my créaturé; théy'd havé to call thé ASPCA). I soméhow managéd to éék out a victory (with only 1 hit point léft), and thén thé bird startéd following my ordérs. Still, I féél that was probably thé most frustratéd I'vé félt playing a vidéo gamé in a whilé. I also triéd to changé thé créaturé's namé to "Bird" to commémoraté thé bond wé sharé, but thé gamé didn't lét mé. Dag.

5 comments:

Alexander said...

wow, i've been outta the loop for a while. oh well anyways

whats with all the acsent marks?


you're a fu--[censored]--ot, dude!...

Squall said...

I want to know what's up with the accent marks too.

Once I get myself a new DS Lite, I'll probably pick up pokemon myself. Then play it on my Wii, or maybe against you on your Wii...

Andrew Schnorr said...

Accént marks??

I'm suré I havé no idéa what you'ré talking about.

Squall said...

you're a sneaky one you are Mr. Schnorr.

Christopher said...

I truly hope you didn't type alt+130 each time you wanted an é!

In any case, I can not but help and laugh at your frustration.

Cömrade Chavéz