And I Don't Even *Eat* Cereal Anymore!

Before I begin, a few pieces of good news:

1. I just got an acceptance letter yesterday for the UC Berkeley Undergraduate Marketing Association Creative Committee. Pretty much makes up for that other thing I didn't get into (which, by the way, I heard is having a little trouble).

2. After scrapping my crappy old resume and drafting a whole new one, I brought it to a resume critique workshop in preparation for and internship fair occurring today and tomorrow. With the exception of a few location issues, they said it was solid all around. Score!

3. A resident of mine who applied to be an RA got the position! Which is doubly impressive because apparently this year, 2/3 of the staff are returners (it was about 30-40% when I was applying), and so acceptances were low, even for perfectly qualified people. In fact, out of 250 people who were interviewed, only 37 got the job. So I am very happy for him (especially since I feel I had some hand in it. :P)

Okay, now with that out of the way, I wanted to bring up something fun that I saw the other day. While looking for pictures of cereal boxes to help me with my consumer behavior group project (see, it relates to the good news somewhat), I stumbled across this little website.

For those too lazy to click that link, it's for some old PBS Kids website called "Don't Buy It" which, though it apparently hasn't been updated in four years, teaches kids to be smart consumers and question what they see on advertisements and such (in effect, it's trying to foil my plans). Among other things, it talks about where the money you pay for products goes to, as well as how buying designer clothes is a waste of money.

(Quick aside: I was just at an Urban Outfitters the other day. I would really, really like to buy their shirts if they weren't thirty-frickin'-dollars!)

Wait, didn't I say I found this while looking for cereal boxes?

Well, yes. You see, when you type "cereal box" into Google, the second thing to come up is a little game on the PBS site where you can design your own cereal box, complete with color, box character, name, claim, prize, and...um, that's t. Truth be told, there's not that much variety, as each of those categories only has 3 or 4 options (with the exception of the name category, which apparently doesn't have a word filter. For shame, PBS!).

However, it's still possible to make something awesome out it. So, without further ado, here's Andrew Schnorr's custom cereal:
While I won't mention that the cereal the little critter is holding is obviously not the cereal that you actually get, I will mention that I think this might be the single most brilliant title for a cereal EVER!

Think about it.

The ads would be awesome.

And think about the scene inside grocery stores when kids ask for it.

Sheer beauty.

Well, that's all for me. Wish me luck at the internship fair!

Saying Goodbye to the Comrade

Not sure if you've heard, but apparently Fidel Castro has resigned as president of Cuba. That's pretty big news. It's almost like when Pope John Paul II died, in the sense that he's been a world leader for longer than I've been alive. In a sense, up until 5 minutes ago, I have never known a world in which Fidel Castro was not president of Cuba. Kind of interesting when you think about it.

What's going to be even more interesting is what comes next. George W. Bush has been saying for quite a while that the United States won't have anything to do with Cuba until Fidel is either out of power or dead (mainly because they thought the two would happen simultaneously). So, what is going to happen? Are we finally going to be able to travel to Cuba without making a layover in Paraguay? ...I doubt it. I think the whole "Fidel is evil, wait for him to die" argument was because politicians are lazy and don't actually want to go through the work of opening our borders to Cuba.

Of course, ol' W's on his way out, so what he says doesn't really mean much anymore. I'm not sure what the current candidates think about the Cuba thing, and goddammit, I'm too lazy to find out. What I do know, though, is that Fidel's younger brother Raul (a man who looks like a chubbier, Latino version of my high school econ teacher, Mr. Logan) probably won't make it past one election. He just doesn't have the presence for it. I mean, the man is like Luigi to Fidel's Mario.

Now, I will make no comment on Fidel's policies, communism, or politics in general (one interesting note; not even THE_BOLSHEVIK is communist). What I will comment on, though, is that he was part of one of my earliest real photoshop attempts (back before I was even using Photoshop, but rather something called "PhotoDeluxe" [a program discontinued in 2002]). It was for a Spanish project where I had to write a journal about a vacation through various Spanish-speaking countries. Well, I decided to make one of these countries be Cuba, and since I included a picture with each journal (I forget if that was required), I decided to make this one be with "Nuestro Amigo Fidel."
Yes, that head on the left did belong to me, once upon a time.

So, Fidel, the former president of Cuba, so long, and we'll always have our photo-manipulation.

Character Biography: Akker

Y'know, being in my little Star Wars class has kind of rekindled an old character idea I had. A Star Wars character, to be exact. So I've been putting some more thought into the character, and for all I know, I may even use a story involving him as my final project for the class.

So, I thought I'd put down my info on the character, almost as much for my own future reference than for anyone else. Hopefully you'll find it interesting enough. (If you don't recognize any term, chances are you'll find a description at this website.)

So let's get started:

Name: Akker
Species: Iridorian
Gender: Male
Height: 1.70 meters (Approx. 5'7")
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Slate Gray
Era: Old Republic Era
Affiliations: Iridorian Empire (Exiled); Jedi Order (Exiled)

Now, I'll do a little bit of explaining. You'll notice that I said that this fellow's species is Iridorian. What the hell is an Iridorian? Well, to put it bluntly, it is one of the most obscure species ever. In fact they were only mentioned once in the whole of all the movies, games, books, comics, etc, and that was in Knights of the Old Republic. Here's the article about them (on the near-disturbingly comprehensive Star Wars Wiki). There's not much information about them, save for that they are a bloodthirsty warrior people. We also don't know what they look like, seeing as the only one ever seen is wearing a suit. So, I took some liberties when creating my guy.

Now, as far as the name "Akker"...well, I like the name. It actually comes from one of my Magic: The Gathering acquaintances named Charles Hacker. Which I always thought was an awesome name. (So did everyone else, apparently; ever team he was on unanimously chose to be called "Team Hacker".) It seems like a very direct name. Short. Punchy. To the point. Kind of like the character.

Now, as far as showing you what he looks like, I used what may be one of my best tools; the City of Heroes/Villains character creator. You may remember my showing this off a bit when I was talking about Solomon Dusk. Well, this time I had a specific character I was setting out to create, so I went about the process a wee bit differently. There are a few things that are a bit off, but overall, this is what the character looks like:
Ha! Bet you weren't expecting someone who looks like that! I...oh, you were? Well...still! Anyway, in the final version of the character, there would be a few changes I would make. For example, his kilt/battle skirt would end a little more north of the knee (it'll make more sense once you get a better idea of his personality). But, for all the limitations of the character creator (which is still considered the best in the industry), it works well. Now, Let's get a better look at him, so you can see what makes a Iridorian an Iridorian and not a pure human.
Okay, so there's not much that separates him from being human. That's why the Iridorians would be classified as "near-humans". However, there are a couple of differences, some of which I couldn't take any pictures of. First, the ears are pointer, similar to elves or Vulcans. Second, there are small, dark, bony spikes protruding from his shoulders. These are indeed part of his skeletal structure (his bones are dark, by the way, as is his blood). Now, some of the things you can't see: his fingers are sharper, more claw-like than a a humans. Second, his teeth are sharper than a human's. I couldn't show this in the game, because there is only one face that shows teeth (that doesn't look psychotic) and it's this really dorky smile that doesn't fit the character. So use your imagination.

History
So, now a little character history. So, this takes place somewhere around 1,600 years before the events of the first movie (the one with Mark Hamill). I chose that time because there's no major plots that occur around that time, and so it's easy to work around. Now, around this time, some random Jedi intercepted a small pod/ship that was drifting aimlessly through space. Inside they found a little baby with a strange mark around his left eye. The baby was presented to the Jedi Council, who sensed in it great potential in the Force. They decided to raise the baby as a Jedi. So it went for many years.

Then, when Akker was, oh, 16-19 or so, he was sparring with his master, the Jedi Master Kuala Lumpur (that's a placeholder name, but seeing as most SW characters have kooky names anyway, it doesn't matter much). They were both fighting with their lightsabers, and Akker was getting more and more into it; his Iridorian instinct was building up. He was getting a little too bloodthirsty, and ended up striking down and killing his master. When he finally regained his sense of normality, Akker realized that his career as a Jedi was over because 1)He had struck down his master, a high-ranking Jedi whom he had respected and loved all his life and 2)he enjoyed doing it. So, he sent himself into exile, but not before retrieving his master's lightsaber crystal (which I'll get to in a minute).

When in this exile, he decided to put his power to use, working as both a prize fighter and a mercenary of sorts. He never took the money he won in the prize fighting (for him, the combat was the prize itself); instead, it went to his friend, Paul (again, placeholder name). Paul was a traveling merchant, mainly of exotic food and alcohol. Akker, being a fan of both, joined with Paul, and the two would travel from planet to planet, going to all the main events. Eventually, they earned enough money to open a bar on the planet Ramalamadingdong (again, placehol...yeah, you get the drill). Akker lives in a room on the upper floor of the bar, and the place is also set up to host small-time fights.

There, that's Akker in a fighter pose.

Personality
Now, let's take a short detour into personality. Akker is a very complicated character personality-wise. He's definitely not a good guy, but he's not totally evil. (On a side note, the character would be an interesting note in the nature vs. nurture debate.)

We'll start with the bad. I like to say that Akker embodies the seven deadly sins. However, he really only embodies four-and-a-half of them. Let's look at what doesn't match.
Envy - Akker enjoys his life too much to envy anyone else.
Greed - Akker has absolutely no desire for money. He never gets payed with money, and if he does get any, he gives it to Paul. How does he pay for things then, you ask. Well...he doesn't. He just takes what he needs. What is anyone going to do? Call some sort of law enforcement? He would actually enjoy that, as it would give him a fight.
Wrath - This is the "half" one, and it may seem a little surprising. After all, isn't this guy a bloodthirsty killer? Well, yes, he can be, but I'm looking at motives here. Even though he is technically on the "dark side" of the Force, he doesn't believe in anger or hatred. He only believes in happiness. Granted, that happiness may not always be based in the best things, but he has a deep feeling of respect for every person he fights and kills. So, he's not much of a wrathful person.
Now, let's see what he does embody:
Pride - And he's not afraid to show it. Akker loves himself, everything about himself. A mirror is his constant companion, and he loves posing and showing off.See?
Lust - And we're not just talking about the "blood" variety here. Remember when I said that Akker doesn't accept money as payment for anything? Well, then, how is he reimbursed for his mercenary exploits. Well...let's just say he prefers his clientèle to be of the female persuasion. Use your imagination.
Gluttony - Pretty basic; Akker loves his food and (especially) his drink. That's one of the reasons he decided to join up with Paul and live at a bar.
Sloth - Despite his Jedi training and his killer instinct, Akker often enjoys lounging around when there's work to be done.

Now, he's not all bad. He just has a kinda-skewed sense of honor. On the good side, he honestly cares about those he considers his friends, and will help out when they are in need. He also maintains some of the discipline he learned in his time with the Jedi. Although he will fight and kill anyone who even thinks of threatening him, he will not fight someone who cannot adequately defend themselves (children, the weak, the elderly, pacifists, etc.). In fact, not only will he not attack those people, he will fight off anyone who does. Akker is also very direct, and always speaks his mind. Dishonesty is never an issue with him. And, as I explained earlier, he is a very positive, optimistic person, always looking on the bright side of things. I suppose you could say that he is very hedonistic. No, not my kind of hedonism; but rather the more traditional definition.

History (Part 2)
Now, Akker continues on this path for the next 10-15 or so years, until one day, some Jedi come onto Ramalamadingdong for an unrelated assignment. One of them happens to be a female Jedi named Jedina. When Akker sees her, he immediately falls in love (much to the mocking of all his friends), and he tries to woo her. Eventually, she begins to develop feelings for him (he really is doting upon her, so he's ignoring all the other ladies he encounters). Fearing these feelings, she reveals this to the Jedi Council, who become shocked at hearing that Akker is still alive. They summon him, tell him to stop corrupting Jedina, and then ask him to help them. As fate would have it, the Iridorians are invading a planet in the Republic.

Eventually, Akker agrees, seeing as his fellow Iridorians would be a worthy fight. Upon meeting them, he notices something interesting: all the Iridorians are significantly larger than him. He then learns that he was actually an outcast, because as a baby, he was deemed to small and weak to fit into the Iridorian soceity. Hence, he was given the mark of prey (the symbol on his eye) and sent on a small ship to parts unknown, where he would either die as a baby or grow into a target for "real" Iridorians to hunt down. And so they did try to hunt him down. And they failed. And were killed. Eventually, the Iridorian threat was extinguished.

However, not everything was going in Akker's favor. Another Jedi, John Paul II, was secretly in love with Jedina (his friend since childhood), and seeing her fall for Akker was too much for him. He eventually, gave into his rage and turned to the dark side so he could get his revenge on Akker. In a somewhat epic battle, Akker eventually kills John Paul II. This sparks a rift within the Jedi Order that leaves many Jedi dead. Filled with grief, Jedina decides that she needs to kill Akker to end it all, even though she knows he's like, 10 times stronger than most of the Jedi there. Akker reluctantly obliges her, but before he attacks, he turns off his lightsaber, allowing Jedina to strike him down (effectively sparing her life). As he had told his friend Paul earlier, "She's the only one to have defeated me. It's time to make it official." And so, his story comes to an end.

Powers, Abilities, and Weapons
Akker is extremely powerful in the Force, probably more-so than any other being living in the same time period. However, he relies more on his own physical stength and killer instinct most of the time, relying on the Force only when those things don't work out. He has a few different abilities he uses.
Telekinesis - Probably his most-used skill, mainly so he can multitask. He's capable of manipulating many things at once, moving immense objects, and performing intricate tasks. He is also able to wield his lightsaber telekinetically, a useful ability in situations where his arms are unavailable.
Force Dissolution - I completely made that name up, because I don't think this idea has been used before. Basically, this is an extension of Akker's telekinesis; it's so acute and focused that he can literally rip molecules apart, turning whatever object (or enemy) he is focusing on into a pile of goop. Particularly useful if they're using a lightsaber-proof armor; you can bypass the armor altogether and dissolve the person.
Mind Protection - Akker doesn't like his mind being read (he prefers people just ask) and so he protects it as best he can. This isn't really a power, though; he just keeps the forefront of his mind preoccupied with unrelated thoughts (often lewd images, so as to repel the mind reader).

Akker has other traditional powers as well, but chooses not to use them. Now, let's talk about weapons. Really, he only has one: his lightsaber. Now, remember when I said earlier that he retrieved his master's lightsaber crystal before going into exile? Well, that's because it's a special, unique crystal...a black crystal. Which gives him...a black lightsaber.

(That's photoshopped, by the way.)

Now, I'm not even going to try to explain the physics that make this thing work. It's honestly not that important, and anything would just be made up (i.e. the Flaborkins discovered a way to make goobajoob reverse polarity...see how easy it is?). What's important is that it does work. Now, you may have notices that instead of emanating light, this thing actually emits shadow. Here's a picture that you can see this even more clearly on.
This really means nothing. There's no symbolic meaning to it, it's not an evil lightsaber, and it's not a black hole or anything. It's a purely aesthetic choice. What is a functional difference, though, is that the black lightsaber has a unique property. When you turn it on, the lightsaber is fairly weak in power. However, the longer you right, the more powerful it gets. Why? Well, in the movies, you always see the Jedi deflecting blaster shots with their lightsabers. Akker's lightsaber, though, doesn't deflect blaster fire; it absorbs it. In doing so, it gains more energy and becomes stronger. Same deal when he's in a lightsaber duel; every time the blades clash, Akker's absorbs a little bit of energy from the opponent's. Eventually, Akker's lightsaber will overpower the opponent's. However, it always runs the risk of gaining too much energy; that's why someone strong in the Force needs to control it, or else it may just self-destruct, destroying the black crystal forever.

Whew!

That's all I have to say about Akker for right now. As you can see, I have him fleshed out reasonably well. So, like I said, I may be able to do something with him for my little final project. My thoughts are either on some sort of short story involving him (alongside with a full-on biography similar to what's presented above) or, if I can find someone willing an able, a short comic (which would be awesomer than awesome).

In the meantime, anybody have any questions, comments, or suggestions about the character?

Scenes from Valentine's Eve

In a par-for-the-course move, I spent Valentine's Day alone this year. (Technically, you could say I spent it with my building, as I was on duty, but let's not get into semantics.) Since I had no special lady to dote upon, I decided to do something for my coworkers. So, I made my special Valentine's Day Cards, folded up and with little notes. They looked as such:
Just so you know, everything that looks like it is a mistake, isn't. Every card looks like this.

I also bought some tulips to give away with the flowers (the idea being they'd be dead by the time the people found them, making it, I dunno, ironic). So I went to Safeway and got three bunches of 10, white, red, and pink.

Safeway Clerk: "Got a special lady you're giving those to?"
Me: "Multiple." *Wink.*
Safeway Clerk: "..."

Of course, there were ladies on the bus ride back who commented that "she would love it." I didn't dare make that same joke to them; in Berkeley, you're only three words away from a feminist mob at any time.

Anyway, I stored the flowers in my fridge, which is actually a really bad idea, because the flowers touching the walls of the fridge got all soggy and gross (which wasn't what I was looking for). Still, there was enough to give one to each coworker.

I stapled (yes, stapled) the cards to the leaves of the tulips, and then after 3am (when all the security monitors had left) I went out and placed a flower/card combination on each door. There were a few people in the hallways who must have thought I was the sketchiest guy ever, but I don't really care. Who they gonna call? The RA on Duty?

The next day (that is, Valentine's Day), quite a few people were thanking me. I played dumb, pretending they weren't from me. However, everyone knew they were, not in the least because I made no effort to actually hide my name on them. One of my more tick-like coworkers (and I mean that in the most loving way possible) latched onto me and was hugging me for what must have been a full minute. She said I was the nicest person on staff. I quickly corrected her.

However, not all on Valentine's Eve was flowers and sunshine. Behold, the Valentine's Day Scare!

Wednesday Night
Me: Hey, there’s a message on my answering machine. I should listen to it.
*Click!*
Answering Machine: This is ADC, calling with an important message. We need you or your attorney to call us tomorrow by noon central standard time, or else legal actions will be filed."
*Beep!*
Me: "......."
*Click!
Answering Machine: This is ADC, calling with an important message. We need you or your attorney to call us tomorrow by noon central standard time, or else legal actions will be filed."
*Beep!*
Me: "Oh God, what's going on? Couldn't they have elucidated a little more? What the hell do they want with me? What's ADC? Am I getting sued?"

*On the Internet Acronym Finder*
Me: "Okay, ADC stands for...Allied Data Corporation? What the hell is that? Is that like some technology cartel? Are they trying to sue me for having illegal software. Well, they can't do that, because I have no illegal software on my computer! ...Maybe I should look them up."

*On the Allied Data Corporation website.*
Me: "Collection agency? Do I owe someone money? I don't owe anybody money. Do I? Are these people going to break my legs or something. Ohhh, Lord."

Thursday Morning
Me: "I need to call ADC right away!"
*Dials phone number and extension.*
Jim: "Hello, this is Jim, how may I help you?"
Me: "Hi Jim, I recieved a phone call a last night threatening me if I didn't call you this morning. Do you have any idea what this is about?"
Jim: "Yes, sir, this is about your complete lack of integrity in responding to my client."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Jim: "Currently, you owe my client $12,000; I'm here to make sure you pay up or face the consequences."
Me: "Jim, I'm pretty sure you made a mistake."
Jim: "We don't make mistakes at ADC, sir. Now, if you do not pay the money that is owed within the next month, we are going to sue to seize your current assets."
Me: "WHAT?! What are you talking about?! I don't owe anybody $12,000!"
Jim: "Sir, this conversation is being recorded, so I would suggest being cooperative."
Me: "Jim, you don't understand, I'm...Jim, when are your phone records from?"
Jim: "Excuse me?"
Me: "I mean, when is the last time this phone number was changed?"
Jim: "Oh, that was in...December 2005."
Me: "Jim, my name is Andrew Schnorr. Is that the name of your target?"
Jim: "No, we're looking for a [name withheld]."
Me: "Jim, this is a dormitory phone number. There have been multiple people in this room since 2005. The person you're dealing with hasn't lived here almost two years."
Jim: "Oh, I see. I apologize, sir, we made a mistake."
Me: "First time for everything, I suppose."
Jim: "Well, sorry about the scare, and Happy Valentine's Day."
*Click!*
Me: "Uhuhuhuhuh...."

Now, as a quick follow up to last year's article...
Did I get any cheap pun cards? Yes, three. Mercifully fewer than I was fearing.
What is this year's Valentine's Day Song? (That is, what song did I listen to the most?) This kinda came out of right field, as I had my iPod on shuffle, and this song came up, and I just kept repeating it. It's by Shakira, and it's called "Eyes Like Yours." I suppose there's some romance in it, but mostly it's just a good beat-keeper-upper.

You know, it's funny how involved I get in a holidya I have no part of.

Cop-Out: A Thought-Provoking Video Game Video!

Now, often I'm not to keen on just posting YouTube videos for their own sake. However, today I'll make a small exception (in part because I'm stupefyingly busy this week and can't give you anything decent at the moment).

However, a little setup.

This is from a video game called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I've mentioned it before a couple of times, but it bears worth mentioning again. If you enjoy Star Wars and you enjoy computer games, you owe it to yourself to play KOTOR and its sequel. Yes, they are...engaging (I probably spent about 200 hours between the two games), but you can portion them out over a long period of time, like a good book. And they play like a good book. A good, interactive book. With compelling stories and deep characters, the two games are excellent, and I'm sure you could find them for less than 10 bucks a pop (they're quite a few years old at this point; I played them when I was a college freshman, and they weren't fully new then, either).

In any event, while you're playing in the game, your non-player-controlled party members will interact with you and occasionally (and sometimes more interestingly) with each other. Since everyone has such a fully developed personality, it's interesting to see how they clash as the characters develop their relationships.

In any event, the clip you're about to watch is, for me, the moment I remember most out of the entire 200 hours I played either game. And it's not a battle at all. It's just a couple lines of dialogue. But those few lines spoke volumes to me.

Besides the player-controlled character (who mostly remains silent) the characters in this video are Carth Onasi, a flag-waving pilot of the Galactic Republic who fully believes in it, and wants nothing more than to protect people from the evils that threaten it. The second is Jolee Bindo, a "gray Jedi" (that is, a Jedi who has left the order but has not fallen to the dark side). In fact, Jolee didn't believe in either the light side or the dark side, taking a very relativistic stance. He ended up leaving the Jedi Order because the High Council did not punish him for making a mistake that caused the deaths of many. He lost faith in the Council's wisdom at that point. In my opinion, he's one of the wisest characters in the whole of the Star Wars universe (even more than, say Yoda).

Anyway, what Jolee says in this clip really speaks to me, especially because of all the rhetoric we hear everyday. Basically, you could replace the word "war" with "election", "economy", "technology", "society" or what have you, and it would still be relevant. And that's why it stood out to me so much, even after these years.


So, any of you have thoughts on the matter?

Because if There's Anything That Matters in Our Society, it's Rankings

On the social networking site Facebook, there's this application that allows you to "compare" yourself to your friends.

This works (to the best of my understanding): You install this application on your profile. You're then put into this database with all your friends. At that point, the program will then present you with 30 comparison questions. You'll be shown two of your friends, and it will say "Who is sexier?" or "Who makes a better sandwich?" or something to that effect. You then choose one of the two people. You can also skip the question if you don't feel you have any good input.

Now, it's quite an imperfect system. Oftentimes, I have to vote for people who I really can't compare, or people who I'm "friends" with, but I don't really know very well. Now, I personally end up clicking "Skip" most of the time, but I'll bet that a lot of people don't, and so I'm sure the results are skewed somewhat.

Regardless of that, the application still likes to let you know how you compare to your friends.

Like, a while ago, I got an email that said that "one or more people" thought that I had "better hair" than my old high school classmate Chris Ramirez. Why they would waste an email telling me this, I don't know.

But today, I got a second, more thorough email, which was nice enough to tell me my ranking amongst many friends.

Apparently my strengths (and the rankings associated with them) are:
#1 most generous
#20 best father (potential)
#21 most helpful

Hey, looka there! Number one on something! But of course, not everything about me is great, so let's take a look at some of my weaknesses:
#113 most reliable
#118 nicest

Now, personally, I think some of these are conflicting. For example, how can I be so generous, yet so not nice?

Apparently, I can sign in to see all of my rankings. I'd actually be interested in seeing them, for kicks, but unfortunately, every time I try to sign in, the page just says "Loading, Please Wait" and nothing ever loads.

Takeaway Point:
I would be a very good father, as I would be very willing to help my kids out with their homework, pinewood derby, etc., and I would be very generous in giving them 9and my wife) what they need. Actually, though, I'd only promise them these things, and fail to deliver (since I'm so unreliable). And when I did deliver, I'd be a real real bitch about it. I'm sure a family psychologist would have a field day with me.

...Oh, and I'd still have better hair than Chris Ramirez.

A New Fruit for Me! (With Bonus THE_BOLSHEVIK Skit!)

So, you may remember from earlier that my current favorite fruit is the pluot.

However, because of the sorrows of seasonality, I haven't had a pluot since the end of September. :(

Thing is, though, I had a fruit today which was very good. Very...different. Would I say that it overtakes the pluot as my new favorite fruit? ...No, i don't think so. It's hard to compare, seeing as there's a gap in taste tests, but I'll just play it safe and say the pluot still reigns supreme.

In recognition of its achievements, though, I'll give this fruit my "Favorite New Fruit of 2008" award.

Ladies and gentlemen, the blood orange.

(And before anyone points it out: yes, I apparently do have a taste for fruits with lighter skins and dark red innards.)

Not only did the orange that I ate tonight taste good, but it was also kinda fun, probably due to some sort of novelty factor. According to the Wikipedia article, they're also good for juice, and they're good for you, too!

Now, I would write some more about the fruit, but THE_BOLSHEVIK hasn't been around in a little while, and I can't help but think this would make a great subject for a mini-skit.

THE_BOLSHEVIK Joins a Creepy Old Man for Dinner
[Setup for scene missing.]

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "It sure was nice of Mr. McMalice to invite us to his home for dinner."
Kris: "Indeed."
McMalice: "Boys, the main course will be starting soon. In the meantime, enjoy these pre-dinner fruits. They're blood oranges. Very good for you. I'll just go make sure everything is ready." (Leaves.)
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wow, blood oranges. I haven't had one of these since I was in that Sicilian prison."
Kris: "Why?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, it's a long and uninteresting story. Let's eat up!"
They both take a bite of their oranges. THE_BOLSHEVIK swallows his bite, but has an unsatisfied look on his face. Kris, on the other hand, spits out what he bit. The liquid that comes out is darker, redder, and more blood-like than actual blood orange juice.
Kris: "Ugh!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Hmm, there's something not quite right about these blood oranges."
Kris: "You mean the fact that they apparently have real blood in them?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "No, something else. Something I can't quite put my finger on..."
Kris: "'Cause, you know, the fact that they have blood in them is somewhat disconcerting."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That's it!"
Kris: "What's it?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "There's no sweetness. It's almost completely acerbic. I might as well be eating a lemon here. Also, a little coppery."
Kris: "We should get out of here before McMalice gets back."
Kris gets up to leave, but McMalice is behind him.
McMalice: "Leaving so soon, boy? You didn't like my oranges?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yo, Mr. M, could we get some sugar for these oranges?"
McMalice: "Oh, you don't need sugar for my oranges! They're special oranges! Do you know what makes them so special?"
Kris: "Yes, yes, they have real blood in them. I established that fact quite some time ago."
McMalice: "Oh...well, weren't you curious where I got the blood from?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I'm more concerned about the flavor, myself."
Kris: "I assumed you're a shady hospital employee."
McMalice: "Both wrong! The fact of the matter is, I got this blood...from my victims."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Victims? Oh dear GOD! You're a vampire?!"
McMalice: "No, no, I'm...I'm just a normal murderer."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, thank God!"
McMalice: "I'm, I'm still going to kill you though."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But, just to clarify, you don't have any supernatural powers."
McMalice: "Well, I...I've evaded the police for several years. That counts for something."
Kris: (Under his breath) "Pfft...I've done more than that."
McMalice: "Anyway! I'm going to kill you both and use your blood to make more of my special blood oranges."
Kris: "To what end?"
McMalice: "Well, the plan is, when I've created enough to perfect the composition, I'll start selling them in farmer's markets, and eventually in the grocery store. If all goes according to plan, within 5 years, McMalice's Authentic Blood Oranges will be the most popular oranges in America?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What about Navels?"
McMalice: "...Fine, they'll become the second most popular oranges in America."
Kris: "Well, it'll also be hard to top Valencias for orange juice production. So you may have to settle for third."
McMalice: "You know what, just come out and say it. You think my plan is crazy, and you think I'm crazy! Say it!"
Kris: "No, we just think you need to look at the big picture rather than just putting all of your eggs in one basket based upon your delusions of grandeur."
McMalice: (On the verge of tears) "You're right. No one will buy my oranges. They taste horrible!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I really think some sugar would help with that."
McMalice: "No, no...the dream is over. Go boys, run free, be happy, and grow old together as a wonderful couple. I'll sit here and reflect upon my fallen orange empire."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kay. I think we'll just get some Korean barbecue. Want any?"
McMalice: "No, I'll be good."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Goodbye, Mr. McMalice."
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris leave. Cut to scene of them eating in a Korean barbecue restaurant in silence. Suddenly, Kris drops his chopsticks and looks up.
Kris: "Wait, did he think we were gay?"
THE_BOSLHEVIK: "..."

THEND.