Monday, February 11, 2008

A New Fruit for Me! (With Bonus THE_BOLSHEVIK Skit!)

So, you may remember from earlier that my current favorite fruit is the pluot.

However, because of the sorrows of seasonality, I haven't had a pluot since the end of September. :(

Thing is, though, I had a fruit today which was very good. Very...different. Would I say that it overtakes the pluot as my new favorite fruit? ...No, i don't think so. It's hard to compare, seeing as there's a gap in taste tests, but I'll just play it safe and say the pluot still reigns supreme.

In recognition of its achievements, though, I'll give this fruit my "Favorite New Fruit of 2008" award.

Ladies and gentlemen, the blood orange.

(And before anyone points it out: yes, I apparently do have a taste for fruits with lighter skins and dark red innards.)

Not only did the orange that I ate tonight taste good, but it was also kinda fun, probably due to some sort of novelty factor. According to the Wikipedia article, they're also good for juice, and they're good for you, too!

Now, I would write some more about the fruit, but THE_BOLSHEVIK hasn't been around in a little while, and I can't help but think this would make a great subject for a mini-skit.

THE_BOLSHEVIK Joins a Creepy Old Man for Dinner
[Setup for scene missing.]

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "It sure was nice of Mr. McMalice to invite us to his home for dinner."
Kris: "Indeed."
McMalice: "Boys, the main course will be starting soon. In the meantime, enjoy these pre-dinner fruits. They're blood oranges. Very good for you. I'll just go make sure everything is ready." (Leaves.)
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wow, blood oranges. I haven't had one of these since I was in that Sicilian prison."
Kris: "Why?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, it's a long and uninteresting story. Let's eat up!"
They both take a bite of their oranges. THE_BOLSHEVIK swallows his bite, but has an unsatisfied look on his face. Kris, on the other hand, spits out what he bit. The liquid that comes out is darker, redder, and more blood-like than actual blood orange juice.
Kris: "Ugh!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Hmm, there's something not quite right about these blood oranges."
Kris: "You mean the fact that they apparently have real blood in them?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "No, something else. Something I can't quite put my finger on..."
Kris: "'Cause, you know, the fact that they have blood in them is somewhat disconcerting."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That's it!"
Kris: "What's it?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "There's no sweetness. It's almost completely acerbic. I might as well be eating a lemon here. Also, a little coppery."
Kris: "We should get out of here before McMalice gets back."
Kris gets up to leave, but McMalice is behind him.
McMalice: "Leaving so soon, boy? You didn't like my oranges?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yo, Mr. M, could we get some sugar for these oranges?"
McMalice: "Oh, you don't need sugar for my oranges! They're special oranges! Do you know what makes them so special?"
Kris: "Yes, yes, they have real blood in them. I established that fact quite some time ago."
McMalice: "Oh...well, weren't you curious where I got the blood from?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I'm more concerned about the flavor, myself."
Kris: "I assumed you're a shady hospital employee."
McMalice: "Both wrong! The fact of the matter is, I got this blood...from my victims."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Victims? Oh dear GOD! You're a vampire?!"
McMalice: "No, no, I'm...I'm just a normal murderer."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, thank God!"
McMalice: "I'm, I'm still going to kill you though."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But, just to clarify, you don't have any supernatural powers."
McMalice: "Well, I...I've evaded the police for several years. That counts for something."
Kris: (Under his breath) "Pfft...I've done more than that."
McMalice: "Anyway! I'm going to kill you both and use your blood to make more of my special blood oranges."
Kris: "To what end?"
McMalice: "Well, the plan is, when I've created enough to perfect the composition, I'll start selling them in farmer's markets, and eventually in the grocery store. If all goes according to plan, within 5 years, McMalice's Authentic Blood Oranges will be the most popular oranges in America?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What about Navels?"
McMalice: "...Fine, they'll become the second most popular oranges in America."
Kris: "Well, it'll also be hard to top Valencias for orange juice production. So you may have to settle for third."
McMalice: "You know what, just come out and say it. You think my plan is crazy, and you think I'm crazy! Say it!"
Kris: "No, we just think you need to look at the big picture rather than just putting all of your eggs in one basket based upon your delusions of grandeur."
McMalice: (On the verge of tears) "You're right. No one will buy my oranges. They taste horrible!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I really think some sugar would help with that."
McMalice: "No, no...the dream is over. Go boys, run free, be happy, and grow old together as a wonderful couple. I'll sit here and reflect upon my fallen orange empire."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kay. I think we'll just get some Korean barbecue. Want any?"
McMalice: "No, I'll be good."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Goodbye, Mr. McMalice."
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris leave. Cut to scene of them eating in a Korean barbecue restaurant in silence. Suddenly, Kris drops his chopsticks and looks up.
Kris: "Wait, did he think we were gay?"


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So it's not the olive oil that keeps the Sicilians healthy and lookin' great, it's the blood oranges. I actually have long loved blood oranges. They're certainly one of my favorite fruits.

I guess Mr. McMalice would have on customer at least: Hannibal Lector. I think he would enjoy it with a can of fava beans and a nice sherrie.

-Comrade Chavez