Wednesday, October 3, 2007

THE_BOLSHEVIK Gets New Powers (And Tries to Get a New Hat)

THE_BOLSHEVIK wakes up in his bed. He looks around the room. Everything has a noticeably dark-blue tint.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Huh. What's happened? The entire world has become blue. Am I insane? Have I become depressed? Have I been stuck in a Picasso painting or an Eiffel 65 song? What the is going on here?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK gets out of his bed. After taking a few steps, he runs into Kris.



THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kris, I think we may be in over our heads here. It seems like the whole world has turned blue."

Kris: "Oh, yeah. Well, that's because this entire thing is a dream."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "......Oh."

Kris: "..."


They both pause for a moment more. Then a sudden white flash appears. The next moment, THE_BOLSHEVIK is awakening, startled, in his bed (in a normally-colored world).

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "WHA?! Whoa! *pantpant* Oh....*pant* Oh, thank God. It was just a dream."

THE_BOLSHEVIK sits in place, looking blankly at his feet. The camera pans over slightly, and shows an old man suspiciously close to THE_BOLSHEVIK. THE_BOLSHEVIK looks up and becomes started.


Old Man: "Hello, THE_BOLSHEVIK."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Dear Lord, old man, don't scare me like that. By the way, who are you?"

Old Man: "I am the Keeper of the Secrets."


Old Man: "I have come to tell you of something that happened last night in this very room."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "It's not a secret, is it?"

Old Man: "Um, no, not especially."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "'Cause then you'd be pretty lousy at keeping secrets."

Old Man: "That's unimportant! What's important is that an imp came into your room last night."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "An imp? Isn't that somewhat unlikely?"

Old Man: "Not at all."


Old Man: "Now, when this imp entered your room last night. He saw you, and using his magical imp abilities, be bestowed upon you supernatural powers."


Old Man: "Yes."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But...aren't imps supposed to be mischievous? Why would one give me supernatural powers?"

Old Man: "I can't tell you."


Old Man: "It's a secret."


Old Man: "Now you know. So I have done what I had set out to do."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wait, hold on there! What sort of supernatural powers do I have?"

Old Man: "Oh, um, they weren't very specific about that. I think you can shoot lightning, but, um, the rest you'll have to find out on your own."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: (Looking at his hands, with a big smile) "Wow, all that power..."

Old Man: "But remember, you can only use your newfound abilities for the purposes of good!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wait! Hold on, is that actually a restriction, or is it more of a moral obligation?"

Old Man: "Well, I suppose it's technically an obligation."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, thank God! I was worried that, like, the first time I tried to use my powers for evil, they'd go away."

Old Man: "Well, you shouldn't be using your powers for evil at all!"


THE_BOLSHEVIK shoots lightning at the old man, who is flung back into a wall. The old man falls to the ground, dead.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: (With a schoolgirl giggle) "Heeheehee. Awesome. Now to go out and buy myself a new hat!"


THE_BOLSHEVIK is seen happily walking down a street.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Ah, I can't wait to get a new hat. That old baseball cap chafes me so..."

A frantic woman runs up to THE_BOLSHEVIK.

Woman: "Help! You have to help me! My cat is stuck in a tree, and I can't get him down safely!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, what do you want me to do? I'm only human!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK turns to walk away, but stops.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: (Soliloquy) "Wait a minute...I have supernatural powers now..."

THE_BOLSHEVIK turns to the woman. He then suddenly shoots lightning bolts at her.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Diiiiiieeeee!!!"

Woman: "Eeeeeee!"

The woman falls to the ground, dead. THE_BOLSHEVIK once again giggles.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Heeheehee. But now that I know what I'm capable of, I should do something productive with it."

THE_BOLSHEVIK takes out his cell phone and dials a number.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Hey, Kris, I was just wondering, is there anyone you just wish would be struck by lightning and killed?"

Kris: (Over the phone:) "I'll email you the list."


TA: "So, anyone do anything interesting over the weekend?"

Student 1: "I went to a student's rights protest in the main plaza!"

TA: "Awesome."

Student 2: "I went to a film festival showcasing the trials and tribulations of the Asian diaspora."

TA: "Right on."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I murdered over a hundred people for my own amusement."

TA: "..."

Class: "..."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Beat that."

TA: "THE_BOLSHEVIK, are you the guy who's been killing with lightning powers and whatnot?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yeah! Watch!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK shoots Student 1 with lightning. The student falls down, dead.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Heeheehee."

TA: "THE_BOLSHEVIK, need I remind you that this is an ethics class?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But their deaths make me happy. Doesn't that mean it's a good thing, thinking utilitarianistically?"

TA: "But your happiness doesn't outweigh their dying."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yes, it does."

TA: "Well, that brings up an interesting case. I want you to turn in your books to page-"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: (Shooting lightning bolts) "RAAAAARGH!!!"

TA: "Ahhhh!"

The TA falls down, dead. The students gather round the body.

Student 3: "Well, that's one less Philosophy major in the world."

Student 2: "THE_BOLSHEVIK, you're the greatest hero I've ever known."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Aw, shucks."


Police Officer: "Excuse me, young sir."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yes, sir?"

Police Officer: "Are you the one who's been killing everyone with supernatural powers?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yes'm. That saying about absolute power corrupting absolutely? Possibly true."

Police Officer: "Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in."

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Before you do, sir, I ask you to heed the words of our savior, Jesus Christ: 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'"

Police Officer: "Huh?"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I don't know what I'm doing. So forgive me, father. Daddy. Daddy? Don't you recognize me? It's me. It's THE_BOLSHEVIK. I'm...I'm your son!"

Police Officer: "No, can't be!"

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Look into your heart father. Remember the woman you once loved. I am your son."

Police Officer: "I...I always thought I would die childless. THE_BOLSHEVIK, son. Give your old man a hug!"


Police Officer: "Sonny!"


Police Officer: "My boy!"

The two embrace. Immediately, electricity is heard and the police officer begins confusing. The police officer falls to the ground, dead.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That worked surprisingly well. I.....oh my God? What have I become? These powers have made me a bloodthirsty monster! Why was I given these powers? Why, imp, why?"

Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light. THE_BOLSHEVIK jumps up in bed.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "WHA?! I...oh, so that was just a dream, I..."

THE_BOLSHEVIK looks around his room and notices that everything again has a dark-blue tint. He looks down at his hands.

THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Goddammit!"


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Wow, at first Andrew, I though you were going to go on a postal rampage...You know those serial murders have strange delusional writings to killing both random people and authority figures...

-Comrade Chavez