Saturday, October 13, 2007

Lair Sweet Lair

I am usually quite satisfied with my financial situation. True, I'm not able to buy every little thing that comes my way, but for the most part, I'm well off enough. However, there are some moments in which I wish I was a multimillionaire.

Seeing this eBay auction was one of those moments.

For those too lazy to actually click the link, here's a quick breakdown of what the auction is for: A freakin' missile base! And not just any missile base, but an underground one.

That's 16 underground rooms and 57 acres for the low, low price of $1.5 million (and that's not sarcasm; at $0.61 a square foot, it is a good price). It includes, and I quote:
3 - 160' Tall Missile Silo
3 - (4 story) Equipment Terminal Bldgs
2 - Antenna Silos
100' Diameter Control Dome Bldg.
125' Diameter Power Dome Bldg.
Yes, it's all decommissioned, and thereby gutted of any relevant equipment (we don't want the terrorists getting hold of government septic systems, after all). However, give me $20 million, and I could definitely turn it into something great (well, greater). First of all, it would be the perfect home for someone like me who enjoys the occasional solitudinous moment. It would have a constant, reliable year-round temperature. And, given a good ventilation and/or air circulation and recycling system, it would serve well in the inevitable nuclear strike, natural disaster, or zombie invasion.

Here would be my preliminary plans (refer to the image above):

Control Center - Bedroom & Entertainment Center. Hell, I'm able to fit this entire thing into my current room (snugly), and it's only, I'd guess, 180 square feet. This command center, on the other hand, is 7,800 square feet, so I can either spread my stuff out quite a bit, or buy some more stuff to fill in the remaining 7,620 square feet.

Power House - Competition Room. While I would need a generator to power my lair, it feels like such a waste to use a huge room for that purpose. Hence, the power generator would be installed in the main house of Launcher 2 (that's at the far end, out of the way). This room, on the other hand, would be used for all means of competition, which would be my form of revenue. From card tournaments to gladiatorial matches, this would be where people from all over would gather to test their mettle...underground!

Antenna Silos - Observatory. This actually has a double meaning. The first is that I'd actually use these to observe the stars. Apparently, they come with 50-ton silo doors. So, you just retrofit them a bit, and when the sun sets, you just press a button (or, in my case, pull a Jules Verne-esque lever) and the silo doors would open, my telescope ascending to the surface. The second, more sinister purpose would be to observe people. Yes, this would be my surveillance room, where I would keep tabs on all guests in and around the area, manage security systems, and even interpret incoming signals from all around the world. Basically, I would be able to find out what the world was doing at any point.

Launcher 3 (and Respective Terminals) - Guest Housing. This would take a little bit of doing in the missile silo, as I would need to add individual floors, but there is plenty of room for housing for people. Depending on my plans, I could either rent out the rooms or simply let my guests stay there. And if I let the launcher retain some of its old capabilities, I would have a method of, um, ejecting unwanted guests.

Launcher 2 (and Respective Terminals) - Power and Utilities. I already explained this, and it's not terribly exciting. You could put the power generator, septic system, air purifier, etc, all in this area, out of the way.

Launcher 1 (and Respective Terminals) - Library. I always imagine that if I were rich, one of the first thing I would do is buy a bunch of books. And how impressive would it be to walk into a room and have the stacks of books rise up 155 feet?

And that doesn't even scratch the surface! (Literally!) There's over 57 acres of flat, empty land on top of this complex (well, with the exception of a dinky little hangar that serves as your entry point). Think of the possibilities!
-Raise wild domesticated horses!
-Build a trebuchet!
-Or, if you want to make serious money, sell the land as real estate (after the whole, um, housing market picks up). Better yet, lease it! That way, you'll be known as "that mysterious landlord who lives in an underground fortress."

The possibilities are endless! Seriously, if I had $20 or $30 million to burn, I wouldn't think twice about investing it in this. So, let's hope I'm able to win the lottery one of these days.

Oh, and I would just have to hope I didn't run into any Deep Crows.


dad said...


Julie said...

It does sound like it has potential. We could create a commune. I get to run the horse part of it.
By the way, which neck of the woods is this in? Is the land on top pretty or are we talking Nevada moon scape?

Anonymous said...

wow $0.61 is pretty good but but you gotta buy the whole thing thats where they get ya.

anyway its been a little while since i've been here. things are looking good. lets see, the last time i read this you were spinning one of your tales about how you helped a girl and she keeped bothering you and when she finally left you thought that maybe she might like you. ;) as i recall you didn't know what to do. that was a long time ago. i think i'm gonna to come back with a joke.

God gives a black man a set of wings... the black man looks up at God
tears in his eyes, and says, "Thank you Lord. Does this make me an

God looked down at the man, and said, "Naw man, you a bat."


~Idaho Kid AlexMtz

Christopher said...

Wow, so that's what its like to be rich. Damn, I terrified to know what Rupert Murdoch or...-gulp- Dick Cheney would do with such a facility.

-Comrade Chavez