Wednesday, July 4, 2007

An *Actual* (Slightly Paraphrased) Conversation Betwixt a Resident and I While Playing Medieval II: Total War

Me: "Uh, oh, the pope's getting pretty old."
Him: "I think he's going to die pretty soon."
Me: "Man, I liked this pope, too."
Him: "Well, let's take a look at the College of Cardinals, see who the Preferati are."
Me: "Dammit, there's a Dane as the front-runner!"
Him: "That doesn't mean he's going to be elected."
Me: "Do you see how pious he is? He's considered a living saint, even by his enemies!"
Him: "Well, if he's a sure bet, you should probably vote for him when the time comes."
Me: "I cannot have a Dane as the pope! Particularly when I'm trying to destroy Denmark."
Him: "Why are you trying to destroy Denmark again?"
Me: "Because after I married my princess to one of their generals, they attacked him without provocation!"
Him: "Wasn't that, like, a hundred years ago?"
Me: "No, more like fifty."
Him: "Wow, talk about holding a grudge. They attack you once, and you exterminate their civilization."
Me: "Hey, let's focus here. There's a man whose people I want to destroy who is going to become pope."
Him: "Right. Quite a conflict of interest. So, what are you going to do?"
Me: "I need to assassinate that Dane before the current pope dies."
Him: "So, how many Cardinals have you assassinated at this point?"
Me: "Like, eight or something."
Him: "And you're killing these innocent men so that you can be in charge of a religion?"
Me: "Hey, that's the way things work in this world. The pope is essentially the king of kings, so I need to make sure that the king of kings is a Spaniard."
Him: "Remember the last Spanish pope? He almost excommunicated you."
Me: "The last Spanish pope was a jerk."
Him: "And this one won't be why...?"
Me: "He may be, but there's still a greater chance of him liking me than a Dane."
Him: "Fine, go assassinate your Danish Cardinal."
Me: "Fine, I will. I have three assassins ready. And, watch!"
Him: "..."
Me: "...Damn! They won't be able to reach him for another year."
Him: "You better hope the pope holds on that long."
Me: "Well, we'll see."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit, the pope's dead!"
Him: "Must've been a bad year."
Me: "Dammit, they're having the papal elections! I'm a goner!"
Him: "Look, one of your Cardinals is up for election. You should vote for him; maybe you'll get lucky."
Me: "I'm not sure, but it's better than voting for the Dane."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit, the Dane won!"
Him: "He's apparently not going to forget your lack of faith."
Me: "In him or in the Church?"
Him: "Does it matter? The pope hates you. I think an excommunication is going to be in order soon."
Me: "Maybe..."
Him: "Then everyone's going to hate you. The Papal States, all the good Catholic nations...even your own people. It may even lead to revolution if it gets bad enough."
Me: ".........I need to kill the pope."
Him: "Make sure you don't get caught. If there's anything worse than not voting for the pope, it's trying to kill the pope."
Me: "I have the best assassins in the world at my disposal. If there's anyone who can assassinate the pope and get away with it, I can."
Him: "Go ahead and try. I think the pope is probably one of the hardest people to kill."
Me: "Oh, yeah? Let's see..."
Him: "..."
Me: "...Dammit! The assassin failed. Flawless subterfuge, my ass!"
Him: "Well, the assassin must have had a tattoo of the Spanish flag or something, because the pope just declared war on you."
Me: "Dammit!"
Him: "And your popularity as a king has already started to decline. You know, since you tried to kill the Holy Father."
Me: "Alright, I need to rally my troops. We march on Rome!"
Him: "You do realize that won't gain you any favor points."
Me: "There's a frackin' crusade against me! It can't get any worse than this! Besides, I have my kings' personal legion in Bologna. I could attack before the year is out."
Him: "You're sending your king in to fight the Papal States?"
Me: "I want my king to deliver the final blow."
Him: "Okay...."
Me: "Alright, laying siege to Rome."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "Yes, I have them trapped in the middle of the city!"
Him: "You might want to hurry, there are some French troops entering from the west."
Me: "HA! Got him! Take that, you clog-wearing son-of-a-bitch!"
Him: "Well, now I guess your Spanish Cardinal is going to be pope now."
Me: "Hell yeah!"
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: "...I love how the use of a brothel makes it so this game has a 'Sexual Themes' warning, but they don't make any mention of the potential for ruthless papicide."
Me: "That's America for you!"

And God Bless America, too! Happy Independence Day!


Anonymous said...

I really really really want that game now. Thanks for showing me a glimpse of something I can't afford, /sniffle.

Anonymous said...

Damn Danes, with their apple skivers and yodeling. Seeing how there's an expansion pack in which you can play as one of the American empires, this sounds intriguing...Oh well, it's no secret that I have an bias towards mesoamericans (a la Nationstates, which I still am active on.)

Now that I have a computer that can run this game, I may actually try it!

-Comrade Chavez