Thursday, December 6, 2007

Crazy, Drunken Homeless: The Spice of Life

Last Friday
Unit 2 Courtyard

Me: "Hi, Are you here for the 'cooking with professors' program?"
Prof. Beatty: "Yes, indeed."
Me: "Then I 'm assuming you're Professor Beatty."
Prof. Beatty: "Yes, indeed."
Me: "Excellent. Everyone is downstairs at the moment getting briefed on exactly how the whole thing's going to turn out."
Prof. Beatty: "Where exactly?"
Me: "Here, I'll show you."
Prof. Beatty: "Thanks. You know, this is a very interesting program."
Me: "Yeah, and it looks like we have a pretty good turnout."
Prof. Beatty: "How many?"
Me: "Like, 25 people. Which is pretty good considering that there's the bonfire tonight."
Prof. Beatty: "A bonfire? For what?"
Hobo: "Hey, if you start a bonfire, I'm going to f**king kill you."
Me: "It's a rally we have before the Big Game. We're going to Beat Stanford play football, that's for sure."
Prof. Beatty: "Heh, yeah."
Hobo: "Hey, did you f**king hear me?"
Me: "So, anyhoo, you just go down these stairs, and it's the first door on your left."
Hobo: "Hey!"
Prof. Beatty: "Thanks a lot."
Me: "No problem."
Hobo: "HEY! Did you hear me, punk?"
Me: *Looks around.*
Hobo: "Yes, you, you f**king punk, did you hear me."
Me: "No, sir, I did not."
Hobo: "I said if you start a bonfire, I will f**king murder you."
Me: *Notes box cutter in his hand.*
Hobo: "I don't wanna see any bonfires."
Me: (With a smile) "Don't worry, sir, I'm not starting any bonfires."
Hobo: "Youuuuu punk! If I see any bonfires in the hills, I will find you and f**king kill you."
Me: "Yes, I understand your proposition."
Hobo: "No bonfires! I've f**king had it with you punks and your bonfires. NO F**KING BONFIRES!!!"
Me: "Have a good evening, sir."
Hobo: (Walking off) "KILL YOU! I will f**king kill you. I don't wanna see any bonfires in the hills. I will f**king find you and f**king kill you..."
Me: *Smiles and waves.*


Andrew Schnorr said...

Now, before you judge him too harshly: several of the California wildfires were started by arson. He probably thought I was going to do the same, and wanted to stop it before Berkeley became another San Diego county.

People, this man is a hero, doing his civic duty!

Anonymous said...

Andrew, have I ever told you...

That I want you...

As an ambassador when I'm President?

Ah yes, I remember my run in with the homeless. Most are harmless, some are crazy, and others, well, others can not be described.

-Comrade Chavez

Anonymous said...

ahh... reminds of the time I was homeless. and when I had to deal with homless people. one guy tried to convince me that coffee sucks out all your harmth and the only way to get it back is with vodka. a whole lot of vodka. good times.

the idaho✯kid

[BY THE WAY I'M NOT KIDDING. I really was homeless once]