Sunday, March 16, 2008

THE_BOLSHEVIK's Mystery Adventure Show (Part Deux)

THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris walk up to the haunted house.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, here we are at the haunted house."
Kris: "Yes, I know. I did just drive us both here, after all."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, regardless of who drove who, we both have to stay in this house for the next 24 hours, or else that murderer won't confess to his crimes."
Kris: "Yes, I KNOW. Lord, you'd think I hadn't been around when we found out about all this."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, let's get moving, shall we?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris walk up to the porch of the house, where an older man - a caretaker - is standing.
Whilruff: "Welcome, gentlemen, to the Mason Chapiere. How may I be of service?"
Kris: "Did you just make that name up?"
Whilruff: "...Yes. In any case, My name is Mr. Whilruff. I oversee the house's operations."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I'm THE_BOLSHEVIK, and this is Kris. We have to stay in this house until noon tomorrow. An entire murder mystery's conclusion depends upon it."
Whilruff: "Excellent. But you must know, boys. This house is haunted."
Kris: "Yeah, we know. That's why they're forcing us to stay here and not at a Bed-and-Breakfast."
Whilruff: "Actually, we do serve breakfast here."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wow, now that's service!"
Whilruff: "Well, here are your keys. You can sleep in the master bedroom. There are two sleeping bags in there. Feel free to unroll them anywhere on the floor. And if anything...unusual were to happen, don't rely too much on calling the police. They haven't come here huch since the late sixties."
Kris: "Why, was there some sort of major incident that spooked them away?"
Whilruff: "No, the owners at the time were just a little too fond of prank calling. 'Is your refrigerator running?' and the like. You know how it is. After all, you're still in your youth. You must have used that one dozens of times"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I...guess. Well, we'll be going inside."
Whilruff: "Pleasant dreams, gentlemen."
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris walk into the house. Cut to a scene of them unrolling sleeping bags in the master bedroom.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kris, since we have about 10 hours before we go to bed, we may want to be looking over our case files."
Kris: "What case files?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "These case files I wrote up before we left. Take a look!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK hands Kris a folder.
Kris: "...'The Mystery of the Haunted House.' You know, there's no real mystery, seeing as we haven't even seen evidence of the house being haunted yet."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Yeah, that's why there's nothing actually written in the case file. All I have so far is the title."
Kris: "Bah. You have to realize, THE_BOLSHEVIK, there's no such things as ghosts."
Kris throws the folder away.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Well, do you have any idea of what to do until dinner, at least? Do you wanna start a band or something?"
Kris: "Hey, I brought a book with me. Some people plan ahead. (Looks in bag.) I...where'd my book go? Damn, I didn't leave it at home, did I?"
A book begins floating by. THE_BOLSHEVIK stares at it for a moment before plucking it from the sky.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Is this it?"
Kris: "Oh, yeah. Thanks."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Why are you reading a book on conventional explosives?"
Kris: "Gotta read a book on something."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I wish I had a book."
Another, thinner book floats by. THE_BOLSHEVIK plucks it from the air.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...The Berenstain Bears' Trouble With Money. Hey, what are you implying?"
Kris: "Are you talking to me?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "No, I'm talking to...did you see who gave me this book?"
Kris: "What book?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK looks down to see that the book has disappeared from his hands.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Waahh!! Kris, I think this place is haunted!"
Kris: "Hmm, better write that in your case files."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Good idea! ...Where'd they go?"
Kris: "Aren't you holding them?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK looks down and sees that he's holding the folders.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Waaahh!!!"
Fade to a scene of THE_BOLSHEVIK in the kitchen. He's holding a frozen dinner.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Set...microwave...to...high...for...2 minutes! Gotcha!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK puts the frozen dinner in and sets the microwave. As it is cooking, he looks toward the refrigerator.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Refrigerator running.....oh, I get it!"
A small explosion is heard. THE_BOLSHEVIK turns and opens the microwave. The frozen dinner has been turned to ash.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: ".....I think it may be a little overdone."
THE_BOLSHEVIK goes to the freezer and pulls out another frozen dinner. It has the word "KRIS" written on it in marker.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, it looks like you wont be eating tonight, Kris."
THE_BOLSHEVIK pulls out the dinner and puts it in the microwave.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Let's see, the last one burned within 10 seconds, so I'll set this for 5."
THE_BOLSHEVIK sets the microwave and turns it on. He bobs his head for the few seconds until the microwave beeps. He opens it, only to find more ash inside.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Hmm, this isn't conducive to eating. Maybe I'll just eat this roll."
THE_BOLSHEVIK picks up a roll from the counter and takes a bite. A cracking sound is heard. THE_BOLSHEVIK raises his free hand to his jaw.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Lord, my tooth! God, ow!"
Roll: (In a whispered, creaking voice) "Leeave thiiis plaaaaace."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Shuddup! Unless you can make my tooth feel better, I don't want to hear anything!"
Roll: "...Fiiiine."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Hey, my tooth feels better! You're some sort of magic roll?"
Roll: "Leeave thiiis plaaaaace."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Wait...are you part of this house's haunting?"
Roll: "Yeeeeesssssss."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, you seem to be a healer of sorts. I'll think we'll keep you around."
Roll: "Waaaaaaaiiit."
THE_BOLSHEVIK stuffs the roll into his pocket and takes out a candy bar, which he eats as he walks out of the room. Fade to a scene of Kris, wearing pajamas, going to the bathroom sink with a toothbrush. He turns on the faucet. Blood begins pouring out.
Kris: "...Goddamn sink blood."
Fade to a scene of the THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris lying in their sleeping bags at night. A Hello Kitty lamp is between them.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, we've made it this far. Just a night left to go."
Kris: "Yeah. 'Night."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Nighty night."
The two close their eyes and try to fall asleep. However, a noise can be heard outside the room, as though somebody is there.
Kris: "I swear to God, if you don't shut up, I will smother you."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "That wasn't me!"
Kris: "Well, then, who was it?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "The roll?"
Roll: "I saaaid noooothiiiing."
Kris: "Bah! let's go see what the matter is."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kay."
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris get up and walk to the bedroom door. They look out and see what looks like a person wearing a white sheet running around.
Kris: "What the hell? There's some guy wearing a bedsheet running around."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Do you think it might be a ghost? Like...the ghost of a bed, or something?"
Kris: "While I'm sure beds are witness to some pretty traumatic things, I don't think any of them are enough to make it come alive, die, and then become a ghost."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Pfft, not with that attitude. C'mon, let's go chase it."
Kris: "Are you kidding? What if it's some psychopath? Or a hobo with a shiv or something?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Don't worry, we should be fine as long as we play some music."
THE_BOLSHEVIK pulls a boombox from off-screen and presses the play button. Some upbeat yet mellow pop begins playing.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Alright, let's go."
THE_BOLSHEVIK runs out of the room, chasing the apparition. Kris, stunned, runs behind. This begins a long, convoluted chase in which everyone chases each other at some point and goes on for almost half a minute. Eventually, Kris stops, out of breath.
Kris: "Goddammit, will you turn off that horrible music!"
As the music stops, the apparition runs by Kris. Kris punches it in the stomach area. It falls over.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Now, to find out who this really is!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK pulls the sheet up, only to reveal...
THE_BOLSHEVIK & Kris: "Mr. Whilruff!"
Whilruff: "Hello there, gentlemen."
Kris: "So, it was you all along."
Whilruff: "That it was. I always run around the house at night like this."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But...why? Were you pretending to be a ghost so that you'd scare people away from the house?"
Whilruff: "Haha, no, no. It's just a sexual fetish of mine."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh...ewww."
Whilruff: "Yes, I get that a lot."
Kris: "Well, I guess that solves everything."
THE_BOLSHEVIK
: "Yep........Wait, I don't think it actually solves anything. What about the floating books? What about the miscrowave that incinerated everything? What about the bloody sink? What about the roll?"
Roll: "Dooon't briiiing meeeee iiiintoooo thiiiiiis."
Whilfuff: "Hoh, you see, there's a funny story to all that."
Suddenly, Whilruff reaches for his throat. Gasping for air, he falls to the ground, dead.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: ".....That wasn't that funny."
Kris: "I think he's dead."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Could you bring him back to life, roll?"
Roll: "Meh."
Kris: "Well, worse comes to worst, I know a place just outside the city that's great for burying bodies."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: (Nods.) "Rest now, gentle Whilruff, your struggle is at an end. May you find peace in your new home."
Kris: "Yeah, let's get some sleep."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kay."
Fade to scene of THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris walking onto the porch of the house. It is a bright and sunshiny day.
Kris: "Well, it's noon-thirty. I guess we slept in."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But we made it."
Murderer: "Yes, you did."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Hey, it's that murderer."
Murderer: "And since you proven to me your worth, I will admit to my crime."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What crime?"
Kris: "Murder. Remember? Yesterday? Chad Lennox? No head?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Oh, yeah. How is ol' Chad."
Murderer: "He's dead. I killed him."
Kris: "Ah-hah! An admission!"
Murderer: "And there's more to it than that. For you see, I'm not who you think I am!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "We actually don't know who you're supposed to be. I don't think we even know your name."
Murderer: "...Oh. Well, had I told you my name, it would be wrong. For you see, I am actually..."
The murder pulls off his face, which was actually a mask.
THE_BOLSHEVIK & Kris: "Don Knotts!"
Don Knotts: "That's right! I was behind this the whole time!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But why?"
Kris: "And how? You've been dead since 2006."
Don Knotts: "Ah, so you've seen through my disguise. Well, you see, I'm actually..."
Don Knotts pulls off his face, which was actually a mask.
THE_BOLSHEVIK & Kris: "Mr. Whilruff!"
Whilruffs: "That's right! I was behind this the whole time!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But why?"
Kris: "And how? You've been dead since last night."
Whilruff: "Ah, so you've seen through my disguise. Well, you see, I'm actually..."
Whilruff pulls off his face, which was actually a mask. The face underneath is of the original murderer.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Um...you're...the murderer whose...whose name we don't know."
Kris: "Can we arrest you yet?"
Murderer: "......Okay."
Fade to scene of the murderer being arrested. The detective goes up to THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris.
Detective: "Excellent work, boys. I'm going to be getting a pay raise for this!"
The detective walks away. THE_BOLSHEVIK turns to Kris.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Another mystery solved!"
They give each other a high five. Their stomachs then begin growling.
Kris: "Man, I'm hungry. Let's go to Arby's; I could stand to eat a couple Big Montanas."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "How about you, Roll?"
Roll: "I huuungeeer foooor sooooouuuls!"
All three laugh.

THEND.

1 comment:

Christopher said...

Dear...lord...

I think the roll should be a cross over character for Elderly Apple.
Either that, or Don Knotts should be one of your characters.

-Comrade Chavez