Thursday, March 13, 2008

THE_BOLSHEVIK's Mystery Adventure Show

I imagine this as a poorly-drawn cartoon spinoff to THE_BOLSHEVIK's normal series. In it, he and Kris meet a diverse cast of kooky characters as they travel the world, solving mysteries that nobody else can solve.

So basically, it's a Scooby Doo ripoff, sans the dog and drug innuendo. Enjoy!

Detective: "Ah, gentlemen, how nice of you to make it!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Thanks, Detective. What information do you have for us?"
Detective: "None. We held off our investigation until you made it."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "What? Why?"
Detective: "Hey, you're willing to our job for free. We're going to let you."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Hmm..."
The Detective walks away.
Kris: "You know, sometimes I weep for our justice system."
Kris and THE_BOLSHEVIK walk up to a police officer standing by the body.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "..."
Officer: "..."
Kris: "..."
Officer: "..."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Do you have any information? Anything at all?"
Officer: "Huh? Oh, a little. The victim's name was Chad Lennox."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "..."
Officer: "..."
Kris: "...Is that all?"
Officer: "Well, we don't have much information on the guy. We sent one of our men over to see if they could find out any info from the post office."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Why the Post Office?"
Officer: "Do you have any better ideas?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris look at each other and shrug.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, could we...y'know, inspect the body?"
Officer: "Knock yourself out, kid."
THE_BOLSHEVIK nods at Kris, who puts on a pair of surgical gloves. He then crouches down off-camera and inspects the body. THE_BOLSHEVIK, somewhat off-put, turns away. After a few moments, Kris stands back up.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, what'd you find out?"
Kris: "He's dead. That's for sure."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Mm-hmm. Cause of death?"
Kris: "Hard to say. There's no injuries on the body."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "And on the head?"
Kris: "Head's missing."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Damn, now we'll never know how he died. Officer, when is that colleague of yours coming back?"
Officer: "Why, there he is now! Over here, boy!"
Trainee: "Sir, I've got information! I've got information!"
The detective suddenly appears next to THE_BOLSHEVIK, who is visibly startled.
Detective: "Oh, good. That will get us somewhere. What is it?"
Trainee: "Well, apparently Mr. Lennox mailed a letter every day."
Officer: "That's ridiculous. What with our high stamp prices, combined with the miracles of the Internet, nobody writes letters through traditional mail anymore."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, we know at least one person who did."
Detective: "Really? Who?"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Um, him....the dead guy....that was established, like, twelves seconds ago."
Detective: "Fascinating. Write that down, officer."
The officer takes out a pad and begins writing.
Kris: "So, any ideas who the letters were sent to?"
Trainee: "Yes. To Santa."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Santa as in Carlos Santa....na?"
Trainee: "No, Santa Claus."
Kris: "It must have been a pseudonym to whoever he was really mailing it to. What was the address?"
Trainee: "The North Pole."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Was there a ZIP Code included with that?"
Trainee: "Nope. Just the North Pole. In fact, none of the letters were delivered. There's just a stack in the back of the post office."
Kris: "Maybe he was secretly meaning to send the letters to someone who works in the back of the post office. We need to find out what they said!"
Trainee: "Here, I swiped a couple letters."
The trainee gives Kris and THE_BOLSHEVIK envelopes, which the rip open. They take out the letters and read.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "...Does your letter just repeat the line 'I want a flying antelope' again and again."
Kris: "No, mine is a really crappy drawing of Santa in some sort of rocket robot suit. I don't think this is getting us anywhere, THE_BOLSHEVIK."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "On the contrary, my friend. We now know that Mr. Lennox had some issues in the past."
Kris: "He still has issues. Mainly, being dead."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "True. I think we need to expand our search. We need to start asking people questions."
Kris: "Well, there's a guy over there. Wanna ask him something."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Sure."
They walk over to the guy.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Excuse me, did you murder Chad Lennox?"
Murderer: "As a matter of fact, I did!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I, uh...really?"
Kris: "Hmm, convenient."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Well, Officer, I guess you can arrest this guy."
Murderer: "Just a moment! You still have to prove I did it."
Kris: "No we don't. You just confessed."
Murderer: "I can take back my confession if I want."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "I...don't think it works like that. Officer?"
Officer: "Truth be told, I don't know much about the process, but this guy seems pretty confident, so I guess we should give him the benefit of the doubt."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Fine. How can we prove your guilt?"
Murderer: "By spending the night...in a haunted house!"
Kris: "How will that prove anything related to your guilt?"
Murderer: "It will prove to me that you have the courage - or stupidity - to take on my challenge. You will earn my respect, and I will turn myself in."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "And if we refuse?"
Murder: "Then I won't turn myself in. And this murder will go unsolved for the rest of time."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Kris, I think this guy means business. I mean, look at his jacket!"
Kris: "So, where is this house, and why is it so special?"
Murderer: "Here is the address."
The murder hands THE_BOLSHEVIK a card.
Murder: "As for the house. It is where Al Capone's nephew's childhood cat died."
Kris: "So it's haunted by a cat?"
Murderer: "No, it was actually built over an Indian burial ground. The cat thing is just it's claim to fame."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "So there are Indian ghosts haunting this house? Jeez, what did the white man ever do to them?"
Murderer: "In any event, my challenge is simple: stay within the confines of this house from noon tomorrow until noon the following day. If you can, I will turn myself in. If not, I will go free...and you'll owe me fifty bucks."
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "You know what, Mister? You're on!"
Murderer: "Excellent. I'll just bide my time until you finish. Oh, by the way, Officer, may I borrow your pistol?"
Officer: "I see no harm in that."
The officer hands the murderer his pistol. The murderer puts it in his jacket and walks away. THE_BOLSHEVIK and Kris look at each other.
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "Gee wilikers! A real haunted house! With real ghosts and everything!"
Kris: "Don't worry, THE_BOLSHEVIK! We can make it, so long as we remember that ghosts don't exist!"
THE_BOLSHEVIK: "But what if there's an magnitude-8.5 earthquake?"
Kris: "..."

To be continued...

1 comment:

Christopher said...

You know, one of these days, you're going to have to find someone to draw you good ol' Bolshie and Kris. If I had any drawing talent, I would volunteer, but then it would disgrace the story so much, you would never mention THE_BOLSHEVIK for twenty years - just like what Superman IV - The Quest For Peace did to its franchise.

BTW, I got a new idea for a new nemisis for Bolshie, - THE*MENSHEVIK...if you have no idea what I'm talking about, thank my European politics class and Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menshevik

-Comrade Chavez