Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A Conversation Betwixt Three Members of the Religious Mafia

(Note: This isn't realted to any other project I've ever done. It's just a conversation that popped into my head while driving one day.)

Mafia Boss: You know Douglas Santori? I need you two to kill him.
Cronie 1: Wait a minute, boss. I was thinking, do we really need to kill him. Couldn't we, y'know, just...beat him or something?
Mafia Boss: Well, I suppose. But if you beat him, you need to beat hm to a severe degree.
Cronie 1: Could you define "severe?"
Mafia Boss: Like, nearly dead. 5/6 dead, maybe.
Cronie 2: If we're going to beat him until he's nearly dead, why don't we just go that last 1/6 and kill him.
Cronie 1: 'Cause I was just reading the Bible today, and killing is a sin.
Cronie 2: I'm pretty sure beating people to a bloody pulp is a sin as well.
Cronie 1: But it's not as bad a sin as killing. Plus, if it's in self-defense, God won't even consider it a sin.
Cronie 2: You do realize we're standing here planning the man's beating right now. That's, like, full pre-meditation. I think this invalidates any claim to self-defense you have. Besides, it's not even considered self defense when you attack him.
Cronie 1: Wait. What if we goaded him into attacking us? Then we can defend ourselves and beat him.
Cronie 2: Well, the fact is, it's still all planned out.
Cronie 1: What if...what if I were to goad him into attacking me, and then before he starts attacking, I take some sort of amnesia pill so I don't reember what I was doing. The guy will still be attacking me and I won't know why and I'll defend myself.
Cronie 2: I really think you're not giving God enough credit. The dude is supposed to know everything. I don't think you're going to outsmart Him.
Mafia Boss: Hold on there. What we need to do is give him the amnesia pill now so he won't even remember this conversation. Then we leave him out of our planning, and we goad Santori into attacking him he'll have no choice but to defend himself. This will be a tricky decision for God, because he was kinda in on the planning and kinda not. But God, he is a loving, forgiving God, so I think he'll turn the other cheek on this one.
Cronie 1: Good thinking, boss!
Cronie 2: Yes, that's all fine and well, but we've been discussing this under the assumption that there actually is such a thing as an amnesia pill. Do we know if such a thing exists and where to get one.
Mafia Boss: You make a good point. Let's brainstorm on this.
Cronie 1: Remember, it doesn't need to be a pill. It could be an amnesia serum, or spray, or even ray.
Cronie 2: You know, I have a gun, I'm willing to kill Santori myself.
Mafia Boss: EY! Don't throw out a problem just because you can't think of an immediate solution. This creative time. Use your head. We'll do this a team.
Cronie 1: You know, if there is any sort of amnesia inducer, we could find it from a doctor.
Mafia Boss: I like it! Then we give the doctor amnesia so he's not in on the sin.
Cronie 1: Exactly!
Cronie 2: And exactly how are you going to get the doctor to give you the amnesia inducer?
Cronie 1: ...We ask him for it.
Cronie 2: And what if he asks you what you're planning on using it for. Doctors have an oath to not do any harm. I think if he learns that you're planning on using it in a savage beating, he won't give it to you.
Cronie 1: Well, then...we'd lie.
Cronie 2: Except that lying is a sin.
Mafia Boss: ...Hmm, yes, that is an ethical conundrum there.
Cronie 2: As i said, I'm willing to do the job solo if you-
Mafia Boss: CHHT! No more words outa you unless they're productive.
Cronie 1: You know, we could always beat the doctor and forcibly take the inducer.
Cronie 2: Yeah, but then you're beating people again. And you won't have amnesia at that point.
Cronie 1: But then I'd be sinning. I don't wanna sin!
Cronie 2: I ain't a God-fearing man! I will do the job and take all the sin credit.
Mafia Boss: But...your eternal soul.
Cronie 2: Don't worry, I...

Aaaand, that's as far as I've gotten. I'll thing of a good ending for it eventually. In the meantime, make up your own endings/punchlines in the comments. What is Cronie 2 going to say?


Anonymous said...

Hahaha, a perfect title would be "A scene that didn't make the Goodfellas."

As for Cronie #2: "Don't worry, I traded my soul for this cool secret decoder ring!"

Anonymous said...

Sorry, forgot to put on my name and trademark signature on the previous comment. . I was distracted before I finished that thought and clicked on "Publish Your Comment."

-Comrade Chavez

Anonymous said...

Don't worry I....

...sold my soul to live forever

...know a guy with amnesia who we can goad into beating the other guy

...could care less about my soul, because I'm an atheist.

...have a special lucky charm that'll make everything work out right

...will go and confess everything to a priest and thus be absolved of the sin. quitting this mafia and becoming an atheist.

...will beat the both of you senseless so you don't remember this conversation and whack the guy myself.

...have cancer, my sister died, my cat got poisoned, my wife divorced me for my best friend, my daughter got involved in a lesbian relationship with her own grandmother, and my dog bit off one of my feet, two of my fingers, and my nose in the same night while I was sleeping. Hell can't possibly be any worse than my life is now.

That's all I have for now, but well, I'm sure I could come up with more later.