Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Lobotomist's Dream Valentines Eve Special!

I'm pretty ambivalent towards Valentines Day. On the one hand, it's a terribly over-commercialized holiday which tries to make money from human emotions. On the other hand, it is a good opportunity for couples who have begun to take their relationship for granted to give it a second life.

Of course, neither of these apply to me. Oh, I'm sure I'll talk about my relationship status later, but suffice to say, I have no Valentine. So, what's this eligible bachelor to do on such a holiday? Celebrate it in his own way, I suppose.

Let's look at my Valentines' Day, shall we?

First of all, we have cards. I've outgrown my enjoyment of the cheap pun cards that are ever-so-popular in grade school. And I'm not big on the Sappy, $4 Hallmark cards either. So, I'll do something fun and economical: make my own cards. ...It's not quite that simple, though. You see, I tend to make...how shall I put this...alternative Valentines Day cards. I made a few construction-paper-and-marker cards a couple weeks back. The first one was an upside-down heart that said the following:

"The heart the beats fastest bleeds first."

Not only is this anatomically correct, but it's cynically correct, as well. (It basically means "Those who love the strongest are hurt the easiest," or something like that.) I was quite proud of how quickly I came up with the line, downbeat though it may be. I then signed it, "Regards, Andrew ^_^"

To make the second card, I simply used the rest of the construction paper, which had an upside-down heart cut in it (no kidding). I drew a head on top it, a couple arms on the side, and some shoes on the bottom. I then dubbed my new man "Hearty McWidelegs." On the card, there was a small speech bubble in which Hearty said sullenly, "I have no girlfriend." Oh, Hearty! I then signed the card, "Yours in business, Andrew ^_^"

Neither was popular, but I blame that on the poor quality of materials.

So, for my official cards to hand out, I decided to use my favorite tool: Photoshop. I took a picture off the Internet, did a little editing, and came up with the following Valentines Day card:

A surefire hit! (P.S. Jim's a jerk.)

If you think this is a joke...well, you're partially right. While it is supposed to be funny, this is actually what I am giving people for their cards. Why, yes, I do have a sick mind, thank you for asking.

Now, for some more Valentines Day entertainment! First of all, we have a special Vamlumtimes Day episode of "Teen Girl Squad". (For those that don't know, Teen Girl Squad is one of the funnier flash cartoons out there [to me, at least]. It basically makes no sense, but never fails to make me laugh. Try watching all 12 episodes, and make sure you click different places on the end screen for Easter eggs.)

Moving along, here are some videos I feel are relevant to the holiday.

The first is called "Ye Olde Pickup Lines of Oblivion." Oblivion is the name of an immersive computer game that consumed about 60 hours of my life and left me wanting more. So, some fellow decided to use clips from the game to give advice on what to say in order to attract members of the opposite sex. Have a look:

I swear, one of these days I'm going to use that "I am your emperor" line.

And then we have a famous love song, horribly butchered by the Man of No Shame, David Hasselhoff. Yes, nothing says, "I love you" quite like bad graphics, egg-eyed men, aborigines, and creepy underage angels. I present Hooked on a Feeling:

I think I shave two years off my life whenever I see that video, but I love it nonetheless.

So I've got videos and pictures...I might as well throw in a song to complete the trifecta. What will I be listening to this Valentines day? Well, I've been listening to the same song on repeat all day today, so I suppose I'll do the same thing tomorrow. The song is Lightning Crashes by the band Live. It's actually about a girl getting killed by a drunk driver, so it may not be exactly the best song for a romantic evening...*cough*

But I guess this could be considered pretty romantic for the Neolithic times!

Hmm...considering all the things I associate with this holiday, maybe it's no wonder I can't get a Valentine. Ah, well. Enjoy yourselves, you crazy kids!

1 comment:

Chris Smyr said...

Your Oblivion movie reached out to me, Andrew. I was hooked on its predecessor Morrowind this past summer (ran quick on my computer and sported a cool $7 pricetag). Way to make your readers hate their school responsibilities that supplanted its virtual conquest.

Happy Valentine's. Shucks.