Friday, January 26, 2007

LaRouche! LaRouche! LaRouche is on Fire!

One way you can tell that a new semester has begun at Cal is that Upper Sproul Plaza is completely stuffed with solicitors...more so, that is. For the most part, they're just a group of innocent people: fellow students at the bottom rung of their respective groups, forced by their higher-ups to pass out flyers, even though they know 95% of people will take them with a smile, but throw them away with a sigh. I have no problem with these people, mainly because they know not to bother me. I have all the appropriate body language to keep them away from me: Ear buds firmly in place, hands in my pockets, no eye contact, and my shoulders turned ever so slightly away from them. All rational people see me, know I don't want a flyer, and respect that.

And then there's the LaRouche cult.

"Oh, you mean that Political Action Committee, don't you, Andrew."

No, Victor von Killsport, I mean the cult. The people involved with LaRouche could best be described as brainwashed. The majority of cult members in this area are former Cal students. Former. That's not to say they're alumni, of course. They dropped out to devote most of their time to Lyndon LaRouche and his...ahem...ideas.

(Just so you know, Lyndon LaRouche feels that the way to economic prosperity is to build a bridge system [over land] connecting all of Europe, Asia, and Africa, as well as the Americas via the 75-mile-long Bering Strait. So, you could take a train from Hamburg to Santiago. By my calculations, on a nonstop 200mph train [which is actually quite dangerous], it would take 112.5 hours, or about 4.7 days. Or, of course, you could take a plane and get there in a fraction of the time. Oh, yes, and we must devote the majority of our resources to the space program. Because that will revitalize our economy, says LaRouche. But I digress...)

The thing about the LaRouche lovers is, they're a lot more...persistent than other solicitors. For example, as I walking past their table, one of them grabbed my ear buds and literally pulled them out of my ears. I was flabbergasted.

Him: "Are you like George Bush? Trying to escape reality with an iPod?"
Me: "Don't touch me, LaRouche boy."
Him: "You know, he's trying to lead a Nazi Revolution to take over this country."
Me: "You don't say."
Him: "What, you're not worried about that?"
Me: "I'm more worried about folks who go around yanking on people's ear buds."
Him: "You must be a Republican."
Me: "No, but if I said I was, would you leave me alone?"
Him: "And let me guess, you're taking Economics this semester."
Me: "Hey, you're right about that. Have a cookie."
Him: "You know, we're trying to start a movement to overthrow the Economics department here."
Me: "Is that right?"
Him: "Yes. Because they're teaching you the lies of the Old Economics."
Me: "And what lies would those be."
Him: "Well, you see, they teach you that there is scarcity in the world."
Me:
"Uh-huh."
Him: "Don't you understand? There's not."
Me: "None?"
Him: "No."
Me: "None whatsoever?"
Him: "No."
Me: "In any respect?"
Him: "No. What's your problem?"
Me: "So you are claiming that all resources are unlimited."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Including, say, time."
Him: "Yes."
Me: "So, time is not a limited resource."
Him: "Of course. Time is eternal."
Me: "That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if time can be harnessed as a resource in an unlimited amount."
Him: "...Of course it can."
Me: "In the next two minutes, I can either jog a quarter-mile east, or I can jog a quarter-mile west. However, I can't jog both a quarter mile east and west, because I only have two minutes. That is time as a limited resource, LaRouche boy. That is economics."
Him: "That's not true."
Me: "So, you're telling me that with LaRouche's economics, you could do both?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Then, please, do so. I never realized that Lyndon LaRouche was a quantum physicist able to bend the laws of nature, but if you can run a quarter-mile east and west in the next two minutes, I'll believe."
Him: "You can't possibly understand unless you attend one of our meetings. Would you like to sign up for our newsletter?"
Me: "I...no! Did you not hear a word I said?"

And I walked off, laughing all the while.

1 comment:

Alexander said...

Hey my middle name's Victor. hey in your next-next blog can you write "Martinez" somewhere in there? or you can go with my other middle name "Philip Neri".

I think, in order to revitalize our economy, we must again go to war with Germany. hey, it worked like a charm last time. and even the time before that.

Isn't "you don't say." a question?

Did you really give him a cookie? What kind of cookie? Why don't you ever comment me on myspace? wtf? Are you sure he was a "him"? You should have gone all super religious on him. i always keep a flyer about the Catholic Church in my back pocket for just this kind of situation

by the way this story you wrote is great! lol!

But I can bend the laws of nature. Well at least I DID bend the laws of nature. one time, while watching V for Vendetta in the theaters, I willed a sour cherry gummi-bear into existence. true story. the girl i was with can vouch for me. f.y.i. it was simply devine.

Miracle Man Martinez,
Excelisor!